Wishful thinking

Next week I have a meeting with the recruitment agency, a meeting I am nervous about. It has been so long since I've been out and about and interact with people I don't know that I'm scared that I will forget tongue in my mouth. I'm not keeping my hopes up that something will turn out of it, because it's a simple registration meeting. At least I will go and be registered in another agency. I've also spoken with the agent, whom I met in August - regarding my dream job (for which I didn't even get the interview). The current job offer is in the same company, with excellent prospects for self-development and - most importantly - with the prospect of landing that dream job in the future. Again, I'm not hoping for anything. As far as I know - I am completely out of luck and it doesn't seem that it will end soon... It seems, however, that everyone is doing something, moving on with their lives, only I am stuck in the exactly same point as I was months ago. 

It's been two days since I've taken pills my doctor prescribed. It turns out - surprise, surprise - that I have depression and anxiety disorder. I have not spoken to either of my parents in weeks (with Mother - since that horrible outburst) and to be honest, I am feeling better, except that nagging feeling of guilt. I am learning to cope with it and understand that I can be ME without them. That I can make choices despite what they are thinking. It feels pretty depressing to actually realize that and start to learn that when I'm 23. Also, I don't really believe that the pills will help me. I don't understand how they can help me, because they won't magically erase all of negative thoughts in my head... Time will tell.

My options

Tomorrow I'm going for an interview to a Polish agency, which helps other Poles to acclimatise here in the UK. AW gave me details to call the owner and telling me that her friend gained work experience there. She wasn't paid except some money for lunch and travel. I talked to the guy on Thursday and it sounds promising - he asked me if I'm available part-time or full-time and if I am working at the moment. I told him that I'll take anything and I really want to gain some work experience. Even if I'd work there for a month - would be great - maybe in January something will come up for me.

But on the other hand I could go home to Poland, study Spanish for like a month, come back and pass language certificate. Then it would be so much easier for me to get an AA job. Or maybe not? Maybe better to stay here and study in my free-time and just get some work experience? I don't know what to do and everything depends on what I'll agree on tomorrow. And if it'll even work out. 

To confuse me even more, another option I have - thanks to the AW's advice - is that I can volunteer in a charity shop for a month or two. I was already planning to go to the Cancer Research near Baker Street and ask if they'd need me even for a couple hours a week. Apparently that's how AW and her husband started their CV careers! It's a very good advice and I was considering it, but I've put this on hold - I'm waiting what will come out from the tomorrow's interview. 

One thing I am sure of is that I want to volunteer at the British Museum. I just need to finally go there and ask about all the information. From what I read on the website anyone can become a volunteer if can commit to one or half day for six months. Plus, they're giving full training! Boyfriend wanted to volunteer at Science Museum but their expectations are so high that it is impossible.

Fifty feet of crap, then me

Since Thursday I'm in a coma. I didn't get that job. I was strolling around London, going to Starbucks to have latte during Boyfriend's break and I've checked my BlackBerry. Then it hit me. Standard e-mail from HR manager. I'm still waiting for the feedback. I cried all the way home. And then I was re-living my interview over and over again. I fell numb now. Like it was a dream. I've completely alienated myself. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I'm reading and sleeping, but every once in a while a memory and enormity of everything slaps my in the face and I'm out of breath. 

My parents don't know about any of that. I don't want them to be worried, I know how they are. I feel so embarrassed that I still don't have the job. Embarrassed in front of family, friends... everyone. Embarrassed that I am a failure and can't achieve anything. On Monday I have to start looking for job. Again. I'm dreading it. I have absolutely no idea what else I can do.

Second Official Interview

I'm not kidding myself that I'll get the job. The interview went AWFUL. The test was relatively easy - 45 minutes to write a Note about the proposed EU Regulations. Then the interview which lasted around 40 minutes with two heads of departments. Difficult questions. For 2-3 of them I got confused and couldn't answer properly. I have a feeling that my English was horrible too. I'm just waiting for the e-mail to confirm that I didn't get it. And I don't want to even THINK how perfect this position is. How PERFECT for me in every imaginable way. Out of 200 applicants I was invited for the interview. Just after when I entered the reception I saw a guy sitting and waiting for his turn and then I knew that I won't get it. Right now I just want to cry and hide under the blanket.

New opportunity?

OK, so tomorrow I have interview with an agent about some paralegal job which involves Polish speaker. Well known American law firm, so would look great on my CV. Keep the fingers crossed please! I'm only worried that this is a really temporary job, so in a month or two I would have to start looking all over again and be in the same miserable position. But at least I'd have some more experience then. Also, I still have no response from the interview I had last week (Publishing Assistant job). The more I think about it, the better it looks, but I don't want to keep my hopes up as it probably won't work out.

Medicine and litres of Earl Grey helped me and I no longer feel pain in my throat. Only thing which worries me is that I am not eating lately. For the person who can finish everything from her plate and eat dessert this is really unusual. I survive on one or two sandwiches... Normally this is like a snack for me! Not that it REALLY bothers me - I have to lose some weight - but I think that this is not a healthy way of doing it. It is the stress which takes toll on me...

Experienced student?

Well I blew my chances for a second interview. I was so shocked that after many phone calls the agent finally answered that my tongue was tangled and so I blabbed incoherently. To top that, my stupid phone went dead in the middle! I feel so stupid!!! Why is it always like that - I have my chance and don't really take it? 

No plans for today. Will look for some jobs, but I've already been twice on the standard-look-for-job websites and there's nothing. I mean, there are jobs for those with experience. So what that I really can learn fast and am smart. No one wants me. On the other hand, after coming to a foreign country for study when being 18, living here for 5 years and being now 23 - when should I've gotten some excellent experience. This is what really pisses me off. Everyone expects me to have experience at the top firms, but how could I've done it when I was studying?

First Official Interview

I should write since adrenaline is still pumping through my veins and I can still feel my feet from wearing these incredibly high (but also cute) heels. Well, I am still alive. The interview was not at all as scary as I thought it would be! I arrived early - as always. I am ALWAYS punctual and just HATE when someone is late. So I demand nothing less from someone else than from myself. There was a time when I was living in Poland my relationship with the Boyfriend was still at the beginning when he was constantly late for every date. I just hated it and had few words with him about that. Since then, I have trained (taught) Boyfriend that being late shows no respect, is rude and will not get you anywhere (especially with me).

Well... so I was on time. In painfully high heels. Black and patent. Just the ones you should wear on your interview. I sat, I've been given IQ test. The nemesis I was so scared of. 50 questions. 15 minutes. Pass mark is 50%. Vast majority of people do not finish all questions on time. And the first question was asking about prologue - what is it (beginning, note about author, ending). SERIOUSLY? Right then and there I knew I'm gonna be fine. And I was. Of course there were questions with numbers and calculations, but I've either: omitted/guessed/tried to answer them. And then was a psychometric test (without a pass mark, duh?!) which I don't even know what it is for. And then was... actual interview! Something I was not prepared for, because I was sure to fail IQ test! 

The interviewing lady was really nice, I made her laugh and I was answering honestly. The position is for a fixed term, so I had no problem with being honest. I wasn't nervous, it didn't feel like an interview to me. I was in a familiar area, talking about studying nearby, going to the shop across the street and being myself. (Which is being pretty AWESOME, but I think she got that straightaway.) At the end she told me that she has a couple of interviews lined up this week and I should know something next week. This means that I was the first one to be interviewed for the position. I hope I will be the measure for the rest of them!

I slowly, very slowly start to believe that 'When the door closes, another window opens'. Just when being stuck on the tube on my way to the interview, I've checked my BlackBerry for messages of encouragement and wishes of good luck. To my astonishment I've found a reply e-mail for the position I've applied last week. I was hoping (i.e. praying) for someone to get back to me on that one. Seems pretty challenging but great. I've called the agent, but he was busy and still didn't call me back. Anyway, I hope I'll talk to him soon and schedule another interview. 

It is an universal truth that you can be the best person for the job, but not know how to present yourself during the interview. It is a technique that needs to be learned and practiced like any other skill. I just hope I'm good at it. Good enough to secure a job one day.

IQ tests? No thanks!

I have interview on Monday. My first serious interview. I try not to put hopes up, but I would do ANYTHING, ANYTHING to get the job. It's part-time and sounds really interesting. The only downside is that I have to take IQ and psychometric tests to get a proper interview. And this is a hard part. 

I don't know what it is with me, but I just never get IQ answers right. I am aware that I am intelligent, clever and smart. I read a lot and can have a decent conversation about fashion, computers, geography or world history. But when you give me triangle, circle and square and ask what should be next - I just guess. Je ne comprend pas! Or numbers - what is with numbers? - six, eight, nineteen and sixty-four - what will be next? No idea. Plus, it's been years (thank God!) since I've studied maths, so now even more complex calculation is a bit of a challenge for me. That's why calculator was invented for crying out loud!!! 

Anyway, I am more stressed out about these tests than the actual interview. I just hope I'll pass, be fabulous and enchant them all with my inner charm and get a job. Otherwise people may find me in the next few weeks wandering around London streets with the insane look in my eyes. Seriously. I need some project. Few books from amazon came yesterday with a couple of more to follow. But I want to go out and meet some new people and actually do something with my life and my brain. Just no more maths please!

And a little trip inside my mind/what goes inside your head when you cannot find a job

It is official. I really am going insane! No job, no interviews, no motivation, no point in waking up and getting out of bed. You name it - I've been there and done that. BF issues - check, parents issues - check, friends issues - check, bad hair days - check... And only now I hear that the very last one of my close friends got a work experience. Can the day get better than that?! And I still didn't hear from the Trainee AA job, only another agency called today (success - second one in total!).

I don't know what else to do. I seriously don't. Thank God BF has a job, otherwise we would be screwed. Real bad. How long does it take to find a freakin' job?! And it's not that I am some kind of stupid/illiterate person. I learn fast, I am nice.

Each day I wake up thinking that I wish this day wouldn't start. Each day I have a hope that something will change. But in the evening, it's Welcome Back to LoserVille. I feel ashamed, I feel like I don't deserve anything - fun, sun, a smile, dancing. This Friday (Domi's bday celebrations) is going to be hard. Especially now - when I know that Kami found work experience. And I'm still sitting on the couch. Just like yesterday and tomorrow.