Dark clouds over my head

Well I don't know what to do anymore. Both interviews I went to were not successful. I'm looking for a job since the middle of July. When I wrote it now it seems like a year. And I feel like its ten years. I literally don't know what to do anymore. No matter how many applications I send, no matter how many phone calls from agents I get - no one wants me. I've been so delusional. I don't know if it's better to move to a completely different country on the other side of the world and start all over again. Or maybe... I don't know. I don't even know what my options are. So what if I have a fabulous academic results when I don't have that much work experience. I've done Law degree, then Masters in Maritime Law, followed by the Legal Practice Course. For what? For nothing. Right now I feel that I will never find a job. This makes me more and more depressed every day. I can't talk to friends, Boyfriend or family. I feel ashamed. They're telling me that it's not my fault. How can this be that it's not? 

I don't get it. I've done everything right, just like they told me to. And I've ended up with big, fat Nothing.

New opportunity?

OK, so tomorrow I have interview with an agent about some paralegal job which involves Polish speaker. Well known American law firm, so would look great on my CV. Keep the fingers crossed please! I'm only worried that this is a really temporary job, so in a month or two I would have to start looking all over again and be in the same miserable position. But at least I'd have some more experience then. Also, I still have no response from the interview I had last week (Publishing Assistant job). The more I think about it, the better it looks, but I don't want to keep my hopes up as it probably won't work out.

Medicine and litres of Earl Grey helped me and I no longer feel pain in my throat. Only thing which worries me is that I am not eating lately. For the person who can finish everything from her plate and eat dessert this is really unusual. I survive on one or two sandwiches... Normally this is like a snack for me! Not that it REALLY bothers me - I have to lose some weight - but I think that this is not a healthy way of doing it. It is the stress which takes toll on me...

Experienced student?

Well I blew my chances for a second interview. I was so shocked that after many phone calls the agent finally answered that my tongue was tangled and so I blabbed incoherently. To top that, my stupid phone went dead in the middle! I feel so stupid!!! Why is it always like that - I have my chance and don't really take it? 

No plans for today. Will look for some jobs, but I've already been twice on the standard-look-for-job websites and there's nothing. I mean, there are jobs for those with experience. So what that I really can learn fast and am smart. No one wants me. On the other hand, after coming to a foreign country for study when being 18, living here for 5 years and being now 23 - when should I've gotten some excellent experience. This is what really pisses me off. Everyone expects me to have experience at the top firms, but how could I've done it when I was studying?

First Official Interview

I should write since adrenaline is still pumping through my veins and I can still feel my feet from wearing these incredibly high (but also cute) heels. Well, I am still alive. The interview was not at all as scary as I thought it would be! I arrived early - as always. I am ALWAYS punctual and just HATE when someone is late. So I demand nothing less from someone else than from myself. There was a time when I was living in Poland my relationship with the Boyfriend was still at the beginning when he was constantly late for every date. I just hated it and had few words with him about that. Since then, I have trained (taught) Boyfriend that being late shows no respect, is rude and will not get you anywhere (especially with me).

Well... so I was on time. In painfully high heels. Black and patent. Just the ones you should wear on your interview. I sat, I've been given IQ test. The nemesis I was so scared of. 50 questions. 15 minutes. Pass mark is 50%. Vast majority of people do not finish all questions on time. And the first question was asking about prologue - what is it (beginning, note about author, ending). SERIOUSLY? Right then and there I knew I'm gonna be fine. And I was. Of course there were questions with numbers and calculations, but I've either: omitted/guessed/tried to answer them. And then was a psychometric test (without a pass mark, duh?!) which I don't even know what it is for. And then was... actual interview! Something I was not prepared for, because I was sure to fail IQ test! 

The interviewing lady was really nice, I made her laugh and I was answering honestly. The position is for a fixed term, so I had no problem with being honest. I wasn't nervous, it didn't feel like an interview to me. I was in a familiar area, talking about studying nearby, going to the shop across the street and being myself. (Which is being pretty AWESOME, but I think she got that straightaway.) At the end she told me that she has a couple of interviews lined up this week and I should know something next week. This means that I was the first one to be interviewed for the position. I hope I will be the measure for the rest of them!

I slowly, very slowly start to believe that 'When the door closes, another window opens'. Just when being stuck on the tube on my way to the interview, I've checked my BlackBerry for messages of encouragement and wishes of good luck. To my astonishment I've found a reply e-mail for the position I've applied last week. I was hoping (i.e. praying) for someone to get back to me on that one. Seems pretty challenging but great. I've called the agent, but he was busy and still didn't call me back. Anyway, I hope I'll talk to him soon and schedule another interview. 

It is an universal truth that you can be the best person for the job, but not know how to present yourself during the interview. It is a technique that needs to be learned and practiced like any other skill. I just hope I'm good at it. Good enough to secure a job one day.

IQ tests? No thanks!

I have interview on Monday. My first serious interview. I try not to put hopes up, but I would do ANYTHING, ANYTHING to get the job. It's part-time and sounds really interesting. The only downside is that I have to take IQ and psychometric tests to get a proper interview. And this is a hard part. 

I don't know what it is with me, but I just never get IQ answers right. I am aware that I am intelligent, clever and smart. I read a lot and can have a decent conversation about fashion, computers, geography or world history. But when you give me triangle, circle and square and ask what should be next - I just guess. Je ne comprend pas! Or numbers - what is with numbers? - six, eight, nineteen and sixty-four - what will be next? No idea. Plus, it's been years (thank God!) since I've studied maths, so now even more complex calculation is a bit of a challenge for me. That's why calculator was invented for crying out loud!!! 

Anyway, I am more stressed out about these tests than the actual interview. I just hope I'll pass, be fabulous and enchant them all with my inner charm and get a job. Otherwise people may find me in the next few weeks wandering around London streets with the insane look in my eyes. Seriously. I need some project. Few books from amazon came yesterday with a couple of more to follow. But I want to go out and meet some new people and actually do something with my life and my brain. Just no more maths please!

Another day, another failure

Why when we really, really want something it is so hard to get?! Honestly, God knows I've paid my dues. And now I have to be patient and wait? I don't know how long I can do that. It is so hard knowing everyone around you thinks about it when they are talking to you, you think about it every minute of every day. And each morning I wake up with a delusional hope that today something may change. I have no idea what else I can do. I have no strength to do all this anymore. Somehow I have to live and function. With this HUGE elephant in a room.

Just my luck

Why is that every day I am getting lucky - small things like finding that extra money in a pocket, buying something I want to eat REALLY badly (i.e. ice cream etc.) on sale or those fantastic River Island shoes without closing part (i.e. 50% off) and I still look gloomy and angry. Time to change that and look on the more positive parts of life and whole planet in general. So... the tube strike today forced to take me a much longer route for my NIN appointment - but I was forced to go to Camden which normally I visit once a year, because it's never on the way. So what that I had to go to a different station - at least I went in a nice, new carriage and I was sitting a whole way So what that the stupid woman at the bank was unhelpful and nasty - I got a really nice one for my NIN appointment. So what that I got a bill for energy and gas that nearly got me killed (heart attack) - somehow someone will be able to pay it. So what that there was raining today - I had merely a couple of droplets on me - without taking any umbrella! Shocking! And I even cooked my own dinner - as a person who HATES, absolutely HATES cooking it is quite an achievement! 

Destiny

Very often people ask the question: "Do you believe in destiny?". I do. I think that sometimes there are too many coincidences to think that it was just a pot of luck which brought something together. And I'm not talking about only love. Friendship. Studies. Memories. Of course we all choose a path, but I think we are restricted to the small choices. The Bigger Plan is out there and working. The nano-elementsof our world are working, working, working to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. I firmly believe that each one of us makes own choices and it is why we are unique in each and every sense, but some things are just meant to happen. Like the fact that I might have gone to a different school or decided in the last minute to change the degree. 

Everything is connected in the universe, a butterfly effect. I believe in that too. Because I can see with my own eyes that a simple act of goodness brings good in people and evil actions can only spread evil. Even though it's been years, I still remember "Butterfly Effect" the movie. I remember being shocked and astonished that even the smallest actions can matter to the world. Now I am careful not to destroy living things and to be nice. As simple as that and shouldn't cost anything.

And a little trip inside my mind/what goes inside your head when you cannot find a job

It is official. I really am going insane! No job, no interviews, no motivation, no point in waking up and getting out of bed. You name it - I've been there and done that. BF issues - check, parents issues - check, friends issues - check, bad hair days - check... And only now I hear that the very last one of my close friends got a work experience. Can the day get better than that?! And I still didn't hear from the Trainee AA job, only another agency called today (success - second one in total!).

I don't know what else to do. I seriously don't. Thank God BF has a job, otherwise we would be screwed. Real bad. How long does it take to find a freakin' job?! And it's not that I am some kind of stupid/illiterate person. I learn fast, I am nice.

Each day I wake up thinking that I wish this day wouldn't start. Each day I have a hope that something will change. But in the evening, it's Welcome Back to LoserVille. I feel ashamed, I feel like I don't deserve anything - fun, sun, a smile, dancing. This Friday (Domi's bday celebrations) is going to be hard. Especially now - when I know that Kami found work experience. And I'm still sitting on the couch. Just like yesterday and tomorrow.