Decisions or not?

I still didn't decide what to do which equals that I'm going to stay with Boyfriend in London for Christmas. I don't want to say another what would be if I had a work, but the truth is that I wouldn't even think twice then and just booked a ticket - £190 would be a fair price. Not like it is right now. I feel double-guilty, because every time I talk to Mother on Skype I can see how sad she feels.

What can I do?! I can only promise myself that it is the last time. I want to believe that it is the last time. I need to gather my strength and attack New Year with power. I need projects, I need commitment from myself, I need to actually do something - even when I'm still not working.

Today was the last day at the WE office this year. I'm coming back in the second week of January. It's not a rewarding job, it's completely remote from what I want to do, but at least it's something. At least I've got this something to put on my CV. And I'm grateful for that.

I talked to AM a little bit today. I'm depressed that I don't have work and she's depressed that she has work in her home country. She just doesn't fit there and can't get used to that place. I'm so sorry for her. She deserves so much better!

I'm feeling lonely

I just came from WE - it was good to actually go there and do something constrictive. I ate Boyfriend's risotto and covered under blanket I'm surfing on the net. I feel sad and lonely since yesterday. I think it dawns on me that for this year's Christmas it's going to be only me and Boyfriend. No family, some friends, no Christmas Tree, no Christmas carols and this atmosphere which can only be achieved by being with the family - the jokes, the food, the stories... I have few wishes for a New Year - find a job, start to earn money and to save some, be a happier person and spend holidays with the family back home.

I've just checked ticket prices and it would be possible for me to go home for Christmas. But Boyfriend would be left behind and completely alone. And what I am supposed to do right now? Buy ticket? Stay? I have absolutely no idea. One part of me wants to buy this ticket right now, my heart is racing so fast. Another part feels sorry for him. I've already done staying-for-him thing this year for Easter. It was a couple of days when I've felt so alone like I've never felt in my entire life. Because I was alone - he had to go to work. Now he has different job, but still - he'll have to go to the office.

Bad and good reviews

Expect surprises

This weekend we went to see The Tourist. I'm not a fan of Angelina Jolie. I've always belonged to the Jennifer Aniston camp and always will. However, after watching Changeling I saw her more as an actress, rather than a celebrity with husband's blood in a phial around her neck. And surprisingly, even though in The Tourist a second leading role plays Johnny  Depp, it was Angelina's portrait of Elise that convinced me. Johnny Depp's  flimsy performance just didn't sell his character - I could see him as an actor playing the role, not an actual person he played. 

I've read the movie's review in The Sunday Times and as usual - it has only two stars while I enjoyed it. No matter who is reviewing the movies the only advice The Sunday Times gives me is to check out movies with the least stars. I don't know how these people measure the cinema. Apparently, it should be innovative, modern with a twist of being old-fashioned and at the same time a breakthrough. Thankfully, the book reviews are usually alright. For the next week in a row I've found a worrying trend - that the top ten of the best-selling hardback copies are ALL memoirs of some kind of celebrity Z-list stars (OK, there is one A-list - member of The Rolling Stones, but that's it). Who is reading those "books" written by comics and entertainers with a really ugly front-cover?

And yesterday I've watched the final of The X Factor - just like other 20 million people. Matt Cardle won, I'm very happy - I was supporting him from the beginning.  Especially after he sang Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" or "First time ever I saw Your face" in a more than perfect way. He was mentored by Dannii Minogue, who for me is a role-model. Although people say that we shouldn't  vote for people just because they are mentored by a particular judge, the reality is a little bit different. It's the end of  The X Factor saga for now, Dom-dom will be free to go on dates on weekend's evenings (she is addicted to the show and NEVER misses an episode!), I'll be able to go to the cinema without regrets and the gossip columns will be full of the new details of the wannabies' lives.

How much full of yourself can you be?

ECH came to London when she was 17, almost 18. Now she is 30. She's done her degree in journalism. She has worked as a journalist in a Publishing House which publishes an annual compendium/encyclopedia about all major UK Law Firms - of course the biggest stress is made on the corporate international ones. Because her work involved interviewing many barristers and solicitors, she became familiar with law in general. Naturally, she possessed a fantastic knowledge about all law firms and the rivals they had. All good and bad points. 

She applied for the Training Contract* and from ONLY five applications she got three offers. She had this advantage and liberty to actually choose the law firm she wanted to work in! For today's standards, it is UNBELIEVABLE. That law firm paid for her both GDL** and LPC*** courses AND gave her yearly grant - they've spent on her more or less £45,000.

On the GDL she has failed at least 4 subjects. She passed them on the second attempt and was told that on the LPC such situation won't be tolerated. On the LPC she has failed one subject - a core subject called Property Law and Practice. The pass rate is 50%, she got 48% - only 2% difference means that if she would have answered correctly in one more multiple questions (A, B, C, D), she would have passed. Her law firm was understanding - tin my opinion extremely understanding - and told her that she has to pass under the second attempt or it's over. Second exam was at the end of August. Of course she appealed against the decision, but as the exams are checked by three independent examiners - there was no chance for change. 

She has failed second attempt. Even though she had whole summer to study, she decided to go home (Greece) for a month, party and study in the meantime. I told her what AM told me when she didn't pass her LPC exams year earlier - that second attempts are ALWAYS harder. It is understandable - they are using the material you were supposed to learn and know, but which was not really covered in the same detail in the classes. Nothing you can do about it. Pass rate remained the same - 50%. She got 37%. She has received the results at the end of October. During all that time she was working in her law firm as an assistant. She didn't wriggle her way out of this one. She was immediately fired. The results came in the morning, on 2pm she was already sitting in her flat. 

All this time she is blaming others. Despite the fact that on the eve of her first exam she went to a pub with her ex-boyfriend or the fact that she went away, without books or will to study. She had EVERYTHING and now she has NOTHING. But she is still blaming others. She again appealed against the decision, but she has achieved nothing.  Of course College of Law will not admit to their fault - even if there would be their fault. And there isn't. There simply isn't.

I just needed to get it out of my system. The whole story makes me really angry. I remember her boasting around, telling everyone and pointing me out that she had a training contract. And when I started to look for work (which I am still doing) she was telling me how easy it is to find it and suggesting that I'm not trying hard enough! At the moment she doesn't have a job. Even though she has much more experience on her CV than I have. Right now she is blaming her agent for her failed interview claiming that he  offered too big remuneration, which was rejected.

At least I've passed all my exams on the first attempt and never in my entire life have I failed something and she still has to write Property Law and Practice. In April. Without the help of College of Law (meaning that if there is any change of law she has to dig it up herself).

 

* Before you can become a qualified solicitor in England & Wales you need to complete a two year training contract at a law firm, with at least four different seats - in the areas of law like tax, corporate, media. Depending on in which law firm you have your training contract, you will be committed to the particular seat.

** Graduate Diploma in Law is a postgraduate law course that is taken by non-law graduates (graduates who have a degree in a discipline that is not law) wishing to become either a solicitor or a barrister in England & Wales. It allows people with a greater variety of educational backgrounds into the legal profession.

*** Legal Practice Course is the vocational stage for becoming a solicitor in England & Wales. The LPC is regulated through the Law Society. 

The Witcher

Today I'm reading my gift from Santa - The Witcher. I have wanted to read the books ever since I've met MFL* which was 7 years ago. I've just realised how long I know Him. And how amazing it is that I still have contact with him, despite the fact that I'm living here, he's living in Poland and I have a Boyfriend. All this years went by and I still have a major crush on MFL. I would something to happen, but I start to realise that nothing will actually happen. Anyway, it's a miracle that we still keep in touch considering the fact that I have no news from people I've known my entire life (or 18 years to be precise).

Yesterday I was looking for the books online and I've even planned to buy them next time I'm in Poland. And apparently Santa decided that I was a nice and so I got them yesterday. Whole package. Is it wrong to get something from your Boyfriend which reminds you of someone else - someone you have feelings for? I'm reading and thinking about MFL all the time. All day. I've texted him in the morning, but he can't be on Skype today to talk. I know that I have no future with him, but I still wonder what it would be like... If we had this chance.

*MFL = My First Love

The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award - My First Blog Award!

Yesterday I've received another present - this time it was virtual and from the International Woman of Mystery. She has passed on me my very first blog award: The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award. 

International Woman writes about her conquests in different parts of the world. She has travelled all around the world, met some wonderful people and in the meantime she is looking for this Perfect Guy. Recently she's moved from London back to Boston and is decorating her new apartment. I encourage you to visit her blog and see yourself how sweet she is! Her posts always make me smile and I love the fact that they are (usually) long - I can relax with a cup of tea and just read. She truly has an adventurous life! 

  

Thank you so much International Woman!

(I clicked on the link at least 10 times before I truly believed I didn't make a mistake!)

I would like to pass this award to three blogs which are very sweet and very beautiful:

The French Sampler - J'adore Crusoe (official French Sampler mascot) and all the photographs! I enjoy reading life story of Josephine Baker or see unpublished photographs of Marilyn Monroe. If you're looking for some inspiration - this is the place!

W stronę Toskanii (In the Tuscany's Direction) - This Blog is unfortunatelly only written in Polish and I really regret this! Olive is beginning her dream of living in Tuscany - she and her husband moved from Poland's capital city and bought a very old house called Molino just outside Cortona and this is their journey of a new life.

The Paris Apartment - I consider interior design to be one of my hobbies and I love the fact that this blog is full of amazing photographs! Check out fantastic ideas to redecorate.

Saint Nicholas Day

Because sometimes you just have to get up, put on your favourite heels, put on a slap of make-up, a brave face and walk out of door. Today I went to buy some Christmas cards and little gifts. I went today hoping that on Monday afternoon shopping at the shopping centre will be a rather nice experience. I was wrong. Just driving there I could see rows and rows of cars at the car park. What's happening inside can be described by only one word: frenzy. People walking everywhere, buying, trying, checking and carrying bags. I don't even want to know what was going on there yesterday and on Saturday! 

A little something for Boyfriend

I love buying gifts - it doesn't matter to whom. I just enjoy the thought that they will be pretty and useful for someone. I know almost every time what to buy for whom. I do have some problems, but usually after spending a far share of time at the shops I can dissect the best buy. Today is Saint Nicholas Day and it's a huge celebration in Poland. St. Nicolas is putting little gifts for children under the pillows and it's a huge deal. When I was going to school - doesn't matter if it was primary school or high school - it was a tradition that in the class we were drawing lots two weeks before and then buying gifts anonymously to the person we were lucky (or not) to draw. There were years when I was coming home with tears because a stupid boy bought me only chocolate and a stupid decorations while others got amazing colour books and crayons. There were years when I've exchanged draws with others so I could end up buying present to one of my best friends and she was buying mine, so we went out together and I was happy to know what I would get. Today I've bought Boyfriend little something, I hope he'll like it! I've also bought little something for myself, because it was such a long, long time since I've indulged myself. And I like it!

A little something...

...for me!

I'm sad but My First Banner cheered me up a little

I'm not feeling very good this weekend. I have a headache, a little sore throat and in overall I'm not feeling good at all. In addition, I had to break news today to Mother and say that I won't be home for Christmas. I know she is keeping her brave face but underneath she is heartbroken. I feel so sorry, I feel so sad. We're talking that I'll come for Easter... It is so long to wait. So long...

I just wish I have a job so I could FINALLY start to plan my life. I'm one of those who like to plan and make lists. I like to be organised, have Year Planner and little cute Notebooks. I want to be able to plan what I'm going to do and when.

After a couple of hours spent in front of the monitor, suffering pain in my neck, countless mistakes made in Gimp and time-consuming looking through the websites to find perfect embellishments I have made my first and very own banner! I hope you'll like it, because I absolutely LOVE it!

Beginning of December

I'm staying indoors for most of the week, because I feel I am in a pre-cold state and I REALLY don't want to be ill. Outside everyday are the minus-something temperatures, but there is very little snow. Barely over 5cm while AW told me that in Kent there is over 50cm. And it is. I saw the pictures she posted online. Not fair. But I'm not gonna spoil my morning thinking about that. Boyfriend went to work everyday this week, but he is alone in such behaviour - half of his office is empty and one of his colleagues has a broken ankle, because he slipped on the ice on the very first day of snowing (and his girlfriend was too scared to drive him to the hospital - even though he was in pain - because there was so much snow. I'm not complaining - I'm just saying). 

I'm starting to think about presents for Christmas. Usually I have a huge problem what to get for Boyfriend and I don't think it's going to be any easier this year. I also HAVE TO buy rest of the Christmas cards this weekend and send them on Monday. I'll put on some Christmas carols, write nice wishes and try to find my Address Book. If I'd have my card-making kit I would have done most of them myself, but since it is in storage I'm stuck with purchased. But writing Christmas cards, snow and decorations all around make me feel happy that the Christmas is coming! I'm not kidding myself - I know that I'm not gonna go to Poland and I won't see my parents, Krecik, my family and friends. But at least I have Boyfriend here and other friends and we'll try to make most of it.

Snow already melted

Didn't even survive one day

OK, there WAS some snow yesterday, but it melted and right now it's back to minus temperatures with nothing to compensate for the coldness. Everyone was updating their statuses on Facebook, friends calling and posting pictures - who knew that a little bit of frozen water can give so much? On the other side, people stranded at the airports, railway stations and in the cars on the motorway would beg to differ. Even Boyfriend recived an e-mail from work which encouraged people to take as much work home as possible in case they won't get to the office toady. Of course all around London everything is still, but because living in a big city generates lots of fumes and heat - we won't have that much snow. Sniff, sniff... To celebrate I drank new raspberry Breezer. I hate rum therefore I'm not a fan of Breezer, but this flavor tastes like a watery juice - perfect for me AND it has ONLY 100 calories! Winner!

I didn't go to WE today. I decided to stay and finally study some Spanish. Today it's 1st of December so I have only like a MONTH to revise and enrol on a nice intermediate-level course! It's actually making me sick right now. I waste so much time on the Internet and reading that I don't have anything left to study! On Saturday we went to buy me some books - and I have one for legal Spanish and one for preparation for DELE. These are the new ones. In addition, I have the lastest issue of Elle in Spanish, at least 5 different revision books, El Hobbit, Grammar and Vocabulary in Nutshell... Just please - I need some motivation! Today there are no excuses - I need to sit down and revise!

Where is this snow?!

It's TOTALLY unfair. They predicted snow on Friday, then on Saturday, finally Sunday and apparently it's supposed to fall this night. In Poland the Mansion is covered in snow, Krecik can't run in the garden - only jump like a rabbit through the fluffy snowdrifts. The whole city is in a standstill. 

Don't believe in what IPad tells you!

My friend updated her status on Facebook that she's already spent 10 hours in a plane and she doesn't know how long she's going to wait. She's leaving UK today. Because there IS snow in the UK. Scotland, Newcastle, everything up north is COVERED in snow. But in London it's freezing and empty. 

I love how snow changes everything. How it works it magic on ugly rooftops, forgotten gardens and dirty sidewalks. Everything is white and bright, new and pretty. New shapes appear and you can smell winter in the air. I like how snow makes this distinctive sound when you walk on it when the temperature is below zero. And how it falls dawn the sky when I focus on one snowflake until it's on my glove melting.

Sunday at English Pub and Ruislip Lido

After morning Skype with Mother when I’ve found out that it has already snowed in Lublin we decided to brace ourselves and drive to Ruislip Lido. I like this place very much! There is a huge forest on three different sides, a lake with swans, ducks and other birds, little beach (usually occupied with children playing and bored parents) and even a little Ruislip Railway services which takes you on a little steam train from one side of the lake to the other for a mere £1! I like walking on the forest paths or on the sunny sidewalk, just near the beach. In the summer we’re going there with a little picnic basket and blanket to get some tan laying lazy in the sun and reading The Times. Since I’ve bought my bike we also went there to make a little drive around the lake stopping to get some ice-cream and watch dogs fetching balls and sticks from the water.

Today it was so cold that we barely made it to the beach when we turned and went back to the car. We also took some bread (bought on the same day from the Polish Bakery! Yum!) to feed the birds. The seagulls were so annoying and trying to steal the food so I was throwing it only in the direction of the ducks. I’ve even pulled my courage and actually hold the bread in my hand when the duck was grabbing it and trying to chew! It was so amazing to see the duck’s teeth and pink soft tongue! So cute!!! Boyfriend was feeding the swans and at one point I was pretty sure one of them will bite him or hit him with wings after he tried to stop two swans fighting over a crust.

I am so glad that we ended up there – even if just for a short walk, because I ate WAY too much today! On our way to Lido we stopped at a typical English Pub (Beefeaters) – which on Sundays changes into a family place – where everyone sits and eats, orders more ale and drinks some more. I was sceptical, because the combination of the name and the atmosphere of an English Pub does not normally guarantee vegetarian food (except French fries), but I was positively surprised! Because Boyfriend was driving he ordered orange juice and I decided to go for the rose wine. I rarely drink wine, because I simply don’t like it. I’m usually having it with a meal – when I know that the taste will be masked by the flavour of the food and I had it only once in a club – I was already drunk and as most of the girls were ordering it I went with the crowd. Very. Bad. Decision. NEVER go with the flow when it comes to drinking. NEVER. I should know better! Anyway, I ate a wonderful cauliflower and cheese soup with a fresh baguette, followed by not-so-great Mediterranean pasta and AMAZING chocolate and vanilla ice-cream sundae. At this point I was so drunk (Boyfriend had a GOOD laugh out of me) and I still have no idea how I managed to actually find place in my body to store all this food! But next time I’m ordering starter soup OR main meal ONLY!

Discovering the Hummingbird Cupcackes

It was supposed to be snowing today in London. It didn't, but it is VERY cold. I was wearing my extra-warm gloves, long woolen scarf and a teddy hat which ended up in my bag, but I think it will see the world tomorrow. I was freezing, but I'm happy. I love pre-Christmas London - all the decorated shopping windows, festive atmosphere on the streets and random reminders of the gift-season.

That's what I want for Christmas!

Our plan was to go to the Spanish Bookshop so I can buy some books for studying, dinner and cinema. When we climbed the stairs on the Oxford Circus it appeared that whole Regents Street and Oxford Street are closed for shopping and some festive stuff.

OK, I'll also settle for this lot.

We managed to find some freebies like acid-green bag and I spent some time salivating in front of Liberty. The Manolos, Kiehl's cosmetics, scarves and lots and lots of little gems...

I've bought some books: Temas de derecho - Español en el ámbito jurídico, El cronómetro: Manuales depreparación DELE and Spanish Elle. Then we were looking for a place to eat from the TasteCard application on the phone (Boyfriend has a card so he gets various discounts), but after wandering around for like an hour we've given up and by accident decided to go to Byron. Luckily they do have vegetarian hamburgers so we didn't starve in the end! The PERFECT dessert was the Hummingbird Cupcake! I have no idea that next to the Oxford Street - is one of the most magical places with the BEST cupcakes in the world! Now I know when we're gonna desserts every time aka tomorrow.

Planners

I just got off the phone with Dom-dom. She is usually calling me when on a bus and coming back from work. We agreed that this weekend (the latest!) we simply HAVE TO find something and book it for the New Year's Eve. We're already afraid that every club in town may be booked and we don't want to end up in some borough's disco. There are so many other plans - what to do for Christmas, Boxing Day, Christmas dinners with friends... And as always we're both just talking and planning how wonderful it will be, but then actually doing nothing. No more. I know! I'll use IPad to plan all these big events! Boyfriend brought it yesterday from work - apparently he borrowed it aka took it for playing etc. as it belongs to his IT team. Fun!

We have party on Saturday, but I suspect that Dom-dom will be too tired from working and I'll make any excuse not to go there (it's in a remote place and far away from my pad and Boyfriend doesn't want to NOT drink and drive again). So we'll probably meet on Sunday for XFactor. Due to the constant lack of money and (her) hard-working and (my) shame of  unemployment we are like two 80-year old grandmothers - NOT twenty-something girls! I just hope that the New Year will bring a lot of a positive change!

Thing about the cinema

Today I'm not feeling very well, so since I came back from the WE I'm staying in bed and reading. I'm finishing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Then I want to read the last book in the series and finally go to the cinema and watch Deathly Hallows - Part 1. It's been such a long time when I was last watching a movie in the cinema. We used to go every week or sometimes twice a week - every time when there was something interesting. And now with all this money shortage we just stopped. I love going to the cinema - especially during the week and on weekend's mornings - when there is few people and quiet. There were few times when we actually were the only ones in the whole room! Boyfriend always buys something to drink and we sometimes share nachos or toffee popcorn - but most of the times I prefer nothing, because if only we have time - we're going for eat-fest and drink-fest to some nice restaurants. I have a feeling this weekend we may finally go out and watch something! I certainly hope so! 

Weekend is over

Another lazy weekend behind me. I HAVE TO do something constructive next week. No more sitting, eating and just turning from one side to the other on the bed all day! I need to DO something!

I'm going to the WE office every day and sometimes it's fun and great and sometimes I'm just nervous and not completely sure what to do. On Friday I had to make like 20 calls to chase some insurers to find out if they've received out letter of claim. Today I wrote a long and strong letter of complaint to the "Immigration Specialists" who only took the money from a nice lady and used the fact that she doesn't speak English. She's working in a supermarket and living here with her 6 year old daughter and her Ukrainian boyfriend for whom she's sponsoring the visa. He is not working 1 year, because he can't legally work and won't do something illegal to jeopardise his chances of actually getting a visa. They started the application process over a year ago, paid like £920 (at least it was only HALF of the fee) and they are in the same point. That stupid firm completely ignored them. She went to a different one and the application is proceeding. She is still not in the worst position - some people paid £3000 and NOTHING was done! This is simply outrageous!

I've finally plucked my courage and filed some job applications today. But I'm seeing everything in the dark colours - I've sent them, but there's nothing for me and I know that no one will call. I also had an emotional talk with my parents during weekend - every time it is so exhausting and depressing that I'm left feeling low thorough the day. (And that is also one of the reasons why I'm keeping everything low on weekends.)

I'm thinking what would be the best way for me to revise Spanish. I need to sit on my ass and just read something and study. But I was also thinking about going to Mexico or Spain - maybe for some voluntary work to do. I'd need 3-6 months to really RECALL all my vocabulary and grammar. Then I would pass advanced certificates easily. I'm not even thinking of going there to do some PROPER job although I may look for it. But let's be realistic. No one wants me in London - who would want me over there? 

First day at the WE Office

OK, so I finally went to the office today I did some work. Unfortunately I won't be paid, but at least I will get some experience to put on my CV! And the owner of the company aka director is really friendly so I'll have no problems with agreeing with him. There are also two nice girls women and I have no problems talking to them. All in all, it's good for now. Also, I'm free whenever I'll have any interview which is great because gives me hopefully much needed flexibility. 

Today I had to make a couple of calls - in Polish and English! I have no idea which ones were more stressful, but I think those in Polish. I have completely no idea how to deal in Polish on a professional manner - I would never be able to write a formal letter in Polish when in English it is like my second nature. 

The office deals with personal injury claims, car accidents and some bookkeeping and accountancy. It also helps people who don't know English and confirms my biggest fears - that actually for a foreigner it is possible to live in the UK for 10 years without knowledge of the English language! For me it is very sad - I think that one of the reasons you want to emigrate to another country is to learn about the culture, embrace some experiences and get to know the real people. I admit that in London it is hard to find and befriend real English man and women because of the all diversity, but it's not impossible! I honestly pity people who just come here and set their own boundaries to only keep close with each other. We only live once!

Another day in suspense

I didn't sleep well this night. I kept waking up hour after hour and finally woken up an hour too early only to realise I still can get some sleep. Of course I didn't. If I am fully awake that's it for me and I can only go back to sleep during the day if (1) I have terrible hangover or (2) I have a fever.

On 7.15am I've checked my BlackBerry only to find a couple of random e-mails and a message on Facebook. On 7.45am I've left fully dressed up and with nervous stomach ache - ready to go. On 7.59am I've checked my BlackBerry again and there was a message from the guy telling me that today it won't work out, because someone is not coming to the office and if I can go there tomorrow at 9am. Fortunately I haven't been very far so I've just hopped off the bus and went back home. So here it goes - another sleep-deprived night and more nerves on the way!

Today outside is the perfect fog. Honestly, I haven't seen anything like that for a long, long time. And today it's different, because it actually stayed! Usually it just disappears and around 10am it is just a mere memory, but right now I think it grows even stronger and stronger. You can't actually see very far! It's also cold, cold, cold. It's good that I've found my warm woollen scarf and gloves yesterday!

From bad to not-so-bad

And so one hour ago I've found out that the guy I was supposed to have interview and talk about my work experience with, wasn't in the office today. After all the hopes and nerves, the disgusting mint tea in Starbucks and the horrible journey in the bus... Some may say c'est la vie, I can only cry. I don't even count on this job now. In all my stupidity I was so naive to think that he may actually offer me a position and even tell me to stay today to start ASAP. How stupid can I be?!

I don't have money to go to Poland for Christmas. Plane tickets cost around £500 and I just can't afford that. Boyfriend may repair his car and we may go then. That's the only hope. Otherwise it is just too expensive. 

And now I just have to clench my teeth and literally force myself to visit all the job websites. I honestly don't know how long I'll be able to do it. I have no motivation to actually wake up in the morning, get dressed and... do what? Nothing.

I'd like to do so many things: go to the oil painting course, Spanish and French courses, finally join the gym or enroll to the morning boot camp, go horse riding (I miss it so, so much)... And without money it's all impossible. 

Edit 1.00pm: I decided to keep the chin up, go to the store for some dinner, then study some Spanish and Marine Insurance. I'll call the guy around 4pm and ask what's going on. I also have some ironing to do - which I like - it makes me calm plus my pedantic nature really loves the fact that the creased clothes are changed into something smooth and pretty.   

Edit 5.06pm: Of course no-one from that office called me. I finally gathered the courage and tried to call that guy - he didn't answer the phone; I tried the office - no-one is picking up. At that point I was a little bit mad and just called him again. He picked up and told me that there was no misunderstanding as such and the secretary should have known about me! I'm going there tomorrow 9am for a couple of hours to try.

My options

Tomorrow I'm going for an interview to a Polish agency, which helps other Poles to acclimatise here in the UK. AW gave me details to call the owner and telling me that her friend gained work experience there. She wasn't paid except some money for lunch and travel. I talked to the guy on Thursday and it sounds promising - he asked me if I'm available part-time or full-time and if I am working at the moment. I told him that I'll take anything and I really want to gain some work experience. Even if I'd work there for a month - would be great - maybe in January something will come up for me.

But on the other hand I could go home to Poland, study Spanish for like a month, come back and pass language certificate. Then it would be so much easier for me to get an AA job. Or maybe not? Maybe better to stay here and study in my free-time and just get some work experience? I don't know what to do and everything depends on what I'll agree on tomorrow. And if it'll even work out. 

To confuse me even more, another option I have - thanks to the AW's advice - is that I can volunteer in a charity shop for a month or two. I was already planning to go to the Cancer Research near Baker Street and ask if they'd need me even for a couple hours a week. Apparently that's how AW and her husband started their CV careers! It's a very good advice and I was considering it, but I've put this on hold - I'm waiting what will come out from the tomorrow's interview. 

One thing I am sure of is that I want to volunteer at the British Museum. I just need to finally go there and ask about all the information. From what I read on the website anyone can become a volunteer if can commit to one or half day for six months. Plus, they're giving full training! Boyfriend wanted to volunteer at Science Museum but their expectations are so high that it is impossible.

Remember, remember; the Fifth of November

"Remember, remember
The Fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot
We see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot..." 

2010 marks the 405th anniversary of Guy Fawkes. It's no wonder British children can recall the rhyme; every year there are massive celebrations to commemorate the failure of the 1605 Gunpowder Plot. Four hundred and five years ago, Catholic conspirator Guy Fawkes and his gang of accomplices attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament and King James I along with it. The group were executed for treason but they are remembered every year as children the length and breadth of the country make effigies of the infamous traitor to burn on large bonfires. This uniquely British commemoration of our past also sees thousands of fireworks being blasted into the sky in imitation of the plot's explosive failure.

It all sounds a bit gruesome but these days it's all in the name of fun. Across London there are scores of municipal displays as well as thousands of private parties. Residents regard their local displays as a source of pride and huge crowds gather to "ooh" and "aah" as thousands of pounds worth of pyrotechnics are sent up in smoke. Not only is Bonfire Night a spectacular occasion - fun for kids, with a bit of community spirit - but it gives you a chance to get outside, grab a piping hot snack and a glass of mulled wine and gaze into the skies with the rest of London.

Today Lord Mayor of London gives a spectacular show of the fireworks just above the Thames - next to the Big Ben and London Eye. Unfortunately I am not feeling very well and we decided not to go in the end. We're gonna watch some XFactor in the evening and I'm planning a indulge myself in huge belgian waffle with banana, whipped cream and maple syrup! Yum-yum!

Sex and the City

Third day in a row I'm watching SATC. All seasons from the beginning. I just love it. LOVE IT! It is amazing how much Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha taught me! And it's amazing how you can get attach to them and treat them as your own friends. They are so open and simply fun whilst at the same time they deal with some serious problems. AM always claims that I remind her of Charlotte. And it is kinda true. I can really easily relate to her - style (OK, maybe when we talk fashion I'm a hybrid between Charlotte and Carrie), innocence and quirkiness.  

Sometimes I still dream about living in New York, moving my girlfriends over there and having a fab Manolos collection. We always want what we can't have. I know I should be more grateful - I live in London, have great  friends and wardrobe which doesn't want to close full of not-so-labeled clothes. And I am grateful. It's just sometimes I'd like to be as free as they are and careless. And to talk about sex without any inhibitions...

I was talking to KO for 2.5 hours on Skype today. If Boyfriend had known that he would be very sad. I know that he is so jealous of him that even a mere mention of his name gives him creeps. But I'm sorry - I want KO to be part of my life and nothing and no-one can change that. I've had a MAJOR crush on him and I still have it. I know that sometimes it may be playing with fire, but that's what makes the life more interesting, doesn't it?

At least I am not cheating like AB. She told everyone on Facebook* what a fabulous time she had in Turkey with her girlfriends (I was sure at that point that she went there with her sister) and it turns out that she went there with a guy she met in a club. She met him exactly one week after her boyfriend (for 6 years) went to Germany for 1 year to work there as an IT consultant. And apparently AB and her boyfriend are still together! She has one hot guy here in London and the other husband-type in Germany. I still don't get that. Personally, the guilt would have eaten me alive. And the weirdest thing is that she wanted her boyfriend to go away so she could have fun - and all she did was to SETTLE for the first guy she's met! Where's the fun in that?! Work hard, play hard, cheat hard!

* The most depressing thing was that her actual boyfriend LIKED her status. Poor thing doesn't know what a bitch she is!

Polish Independence Day

Today in Poland is National Independence Day. It is a public holiday celebrated every year on 11 November to commemorate the anniversary of Poland's assumption of independent statehood in 1918 after 123 years of partitions by Austria-Hungary, Prussia, and Russia.

When you think about all of the November is somehow remembrance of those who passed away. Maybe it has something to do with the weather and autumn which makes this month so nostalgic.

Today's weather in London is appalling. The wind and rain make it almost impossible to venture outside unless you have to go to work. Boyfriend already told me that he has never seen so many broken umbrellas on his way to work. It's a pity because I wanted to visit nearby cemetery and light a candle on the grave of some nameless soldier.

.

My relationship with Mother was always difficult. I was born when she was almost 40 and the difference between generations didn't help us at all. Of course she claims that such thing does not even exist, but I know better. There is a lot of bitterness between us and neither of us makes an effort to overcome this. I made so many efforts that now I've just given up and I simply don't tell her what's going on in my life. Except with work. I don't have work, I don't have interviews and I don't have any prospects at the moment. 

She makes me feel bad, very, very bad. Makes me feel like a failure - because what can she say to her friends, neighbours and our family - that I'm still looking?! Since July?! How come - I MUST be doing something wrong - I've been at great schools, have fantastic degree - how the hell I STILL don't have a job?! She blames me for it even though I do everything I can to change the situation. Sometimes I catch myself at being exactly the same person when I was when I was 17 - listening to her and always doing exactly what she says. Or she would have her tantrum, scream and even hit me. That's why I decided to leave home and come to a foreign country to study. I escaped. I knew that I couldn't deal with the situation any longer or I would end up in a psychiatric unit. 

I hate the fact that every week when I log on Skype my heart is racing fast, I have nervous stomach pain and want to vomit - I'm scared of in what mood she's going to be today and depending on THAT how the conversation will go. I know for sure that I can NEVER be honest with her - I've been before and she has used this against me countless times.It pains me that she blames me for everything... I can never have a normal discussion with her, because she thinks she is always right and all of my achievements in her opinion are only thanks to her. 

I needed to get it out of my system. I've just finished to talk to her on Skype and it was a first decent conversation we had since 2 weeks ago I told her firmly that I don't want to talk about job thing and she went ballistic. When I listen to Madonna's "Miles Away" I always think about her and Father. 

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud

Visiting AW

AW is 22 weeks pregnant. She is having a boy and has due date on 8 March 2011. It's actually scary to see her so grown-up and mother-to-be. I mean - she is my first and (at least for now) only true and real grown-up girlfriend with husband, nice flat, mortgage and living outside London in Kent - better schools, less city noise and more family-oriented neighbourhood. 

One of the reasons I see her so rarely is the fact that she lives so far away! When Dom-dom was living in South London I still managed to see her in her flat and party with her in Clapham - but I was always (not so) swift tube ride away to get home. On the other hand, to get to AW's place I need to board a train. I have never been on a train in the UK before. I love journeys in a train - because when I was growing up Mother decided not to have a car the fastest way to get to grandparents was to hop on a train. I like it - from the fastest and most fabulous TGV in France to stinky 12-hours journeys in Poland - me like it! 

The reality hit me when I had to stand and wait at King's Cross Station for like 25 minutes for a train. I forgot how long you have to WAIT if you're not getting a tube or hop in a car. Then, of course went on the wrong platform so I had to backtrack... I was sitting next to an old (and very stylish) lady who was getting off on the same station as I did. During the 30-minutes journey I was looking outside the window all the time when she was putting some make-up and retouching what she had put on. She was simply a very nice old lady. And I've finally saw Big Ben and London Eye from the train - after so many walks on the bridges and seeing people on the trains I've finally got my own experience. Of course AW would laugh at me right now considering she had to take this train every day to get to work. 

I honestly still can't believe that AW is pregnant. OK, even SHE still can't believe it! I still remember our long talks that kids are... hmm... disgusting and ugly. Well, yes - they are! Then she told me that she has woken up one day and suddenly she felt an urge to have a kid. Just like that - you don't know when it can hit you! It's actually scary!!! She showed me the scan pictures and I've actually FELT his kicks! That was soooo weird! Plus, she told me LOTS of inside info reserved only for pregnant women. Apparently even a midwife in a hospital told her NOT to tell any childless girlfriends about it, because it may put them off from having a baby. We both condemned such behaviour! AW told me that there were numerous occasions when she was panicking for nothing, because no-one told her that something may happen and it's completely natural. That's why I'm glad she's having this baby boy - she is my guinea pig!

She also helped me to be more positive about all this job thing. She's going to Poland for 10 days, but when she'll come back we'll go through my CV together and maybe figure something out. Still, AB said that now it's the end of the year so firms are not recruiting people - they're waiting for the New Year. Hopefully, it will get easier in January...

Trying to stay positive

I try to stay positive and think about the future in bright colours. But it proves much harder than I thought it could be. For the past week I've alienated myself and stopped talking to almost anyone. It's getting better each day and I hope it'll continue to do so. I really hope, because I have no idea how long I can exist like this. I say exist because it is existence - nothing to plan, nothing to do, nothing to wake up and get up in the morning for. This is the hardest part of all. To have something when you have nothing. But I made progress today by actually logging to the find-a-job websites and sending some applications. It is not good out there - very little advertisements, but I had to do something.

AM sent me Facebook message today. She has a hard, hard time adjusting to live in her country again. I seriously don't blame her. If someone would take away my freedom and normal habits I would be devastated. I can see that she is even more depressed than I am. I wish I could make her laugh and simply hug her and tell her everything's gonna be alright, but I know just as she does that it won't get better soon. She misses everything and everyone, literally everything. I feel so bad even though I can't do anything. And I feel bad, because my problems seem less significant than hers. And that I didn't write to her because I was ashamed that I failed on the last interview. I hope she'll come and visit soon. I know it'll get easier for her with time, but all the time she'll think about those amazing things she could be doing Here instead of There. I'm planning a little surprise for her - I've just send her sister a message to get AM's home address and I'll send her some magazines (Vogue!!!) and treats from London!

All Saints' Day

Today is All Saints' Day. Here in the UK it is not celebrated as it is in Poland. In Poland it is a proper holiday - you don't go to work, almost all shops are closed (except petrol stations but you can hardly buy a decent bread over there) and there are two places you must visit: church and cemetery. Ever since my grandmothers and grandfathers died, I look at this day differently. Before I was carefree and careless going to the local cemetery with Mother and lighting a candles on the graves of her friends and cousins. Sometimes we went to the Mother's birth place to visit an uncle and light some candles in the cemetery where Mother's family is buried - grandparents and cousins she has never met, because they were executed by the Nazis. But now for me this day is sad and I am no longer carefree. I remember my grandparents, all the fun memories and even those bad ones. And I wish I'd known them better and could talk to them just this once. It is a day when you pause for the minute and think about your existence and about loved ones, who are no longer here.

Because here in the UK this is a normal day, Boyfriend went to work and the only replacement of the tradition was that yesterday we went to visit a local cemetery. I was very surprised, because it is very neglected. It is still a beautiful place - full of mossed graves (people buried there are from the beginnings of XX century), mixture of autumn yellow and red leaves and two (!) old churches in the middle. In Poland, because this day and tomorrow (when people remember those who died) is a celebrated tradition the cemeteries are kept (or are trying to be kept) in a well state. Everyone is cleaning the graves and there are often collections and fund-rising events for the looking after the cemeteries. I still remember that in the school we were going to different cemetery each year and trying to tidy up some of the worst neglected graves at this time of year. I've checked on-line and the cemetery we went to yesterday actually has a fund for such activities, but apparently there is a lack of hands and people's free time to put it into a good use. It's a shame, because some of the buried there are RAF and Marine soldiers who died in the First and Second World War. I wish people remember those, who died, so we can now have our freedom.

Fifty feet of crap, then me

Since Thursday I'm in a coma. I didn't get that job. I was strolling around London, going to Starbucks to have latte during Boyfriend's break and I've checked my BlackBerry. Then it hit me. Standard e-mail from HR manager. I'm still waiting for the feedback. I cried all the way home. And then I was re-living my interview over and over again. I fell numb now. Like it was a dream. I've completely alienated myself. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I'm reading and sleeping, but every once in a while a memory and enormity of everything slaps my in the face and I'm out of breath. 

My parents don't know about any of that. I don't want them to be worried, I know how they are. I feel so embarrassed that I still don't have the job. Embarrassed in front of family, friends... everyone. Embarrassed that I am a failure and can't achieve anything. On Monday I have to start looking for job. Again. I'm dreading it. I have absolutely no idea what else I can do.

Boyfriend's 24th Birthday

I don't want today to be only marked as a date of my failed interview, so I decided to write about something more cheerful. Yesterday was Boyfriend's 24th Birthday! Poor thing is really excited and terrified at once when this day comes every year. Because I am 6 months younger than him (and Mother sent me to school one year earlier; I was am smart and intelligent), I tease him by saying: "You're sooo old". He reacts VERY aggressively and immediately after makes a sad face and noises which I can only describe as "Sniff, sniff".

Yesterday was our little celebration. Boyfriend got his presents - extremely modest this year due to my non-working - but because I know what he likes they were spot on! I also chose a very nice card, from the series we follow for various celebrations - anniversaries, Christmas, I-like-giving-you-a-card days, I-am-so-in-love-with-you-it-hurts days etc., etc. Boyfriend was happy and immediately got suck up in the surprise book. It was a lazy Sunday, but I like those. It's the time when you can relax, we can eat BIG breakfast sitting together - and Boyfriend prepares everything. In the evening there was my guilty pleasure - Xfactor and looking out of the window to admire a full moon*.

On Saturday we had a little birthday celebrations linked together with the housewarming party of Dom-dom and AP. There was a lot of champagne, food and vodka. We certainly know how to party! But because I had stupid interview today and Boyfriend was driving (Dom-dom and AP's crib is not far away, but to get there by tube takes around 1-1.5 hour, because you need to go to Central London first to change to the Northern Line) - i.e. not drinking except very little champagne and beer (we are strict on Driving = Not drinking; that's how Boyfriend's Father had a small car accident) - we decided not to go clubbing. Everyone was already wasted and clubbing was in North London - not Central where all my favourites are. I truly have fabbest friends who understood, so off we went, to bed and to get some beauty sleep.

* I've recently found a new admiration for the moon when I learned that it is made of SILVER! How cool is that?! I hope one day to have my very own Moon Silver pendant, earings and bracelet! And a ring to match!

Second Official Interview

I'm not kidding myself that I'll get the job. The interview went AWFUL. The test was relatively easy - 45 minutes to write a Note about the proposed EU Regulations. Then the interview which lasted around 40 minutes with two heads of departments. Difficult questions. For 2-3 of them I got confused and couldn't answer properly. I have a feeling that my English was horrible too. I'm just waiting for the e-mail to confirm that I didn't get it. And I don't want to even THINK how perfect this position is. How PERFECT for me in every imaginable way. Out of 200 applicants I was invited for the interview. Just after when I entered the reception I saw a guy sitting and waiting for his turn and then I knew that I won't get it. Right now I just want to cry and hide under the blanket.

What to wear: Halloween Edition

Every day is a never-ending saga of What to wear (My wardrobe is full and I STILL have nothing to wear!). There is only week and a half before a special edition of this programme: What to wear: Halloween Edition. This is serious. Dom-dom reminded me yesterday that we didn't discuss any possibilities! This year, like usually, we're going to be dressed up and clubbing somewhere in central London. Apparently, there is this girl which is organising a party and our Group Elite is coming. I need to think fast and make decisions even faster. I do NOT want it to be like last year.

Last year I was so busy with my studies that I put off buying my costume for the last minute. It was a very bad decision and I regretted it dearly. I was constantly on the telephone/texting/BBM with Dom-dom, AM, Monx and AB about which outfit to choose and what is SHE wearing. In the end I've chosen to dress up as a Marie Antoinette. Sexy one. I mean barely-there dress, white stockings with blue ribbons and extreme silver heels. And what did I get? Certainly nothing like that.

Me and Boyfriend decided to venture to the biggest and most-well-stocked costume shop in London. They say that it has 6 floors for crying out loud! I was so excited! So off we went, on a Saturday afternoon. My dreams were crushed and reality hit me when we were standing in the queue OUTSIDE of the shop for about 40 minutes. Inside was even worse, cramped like sardines in a tin I was beginning to feel like this is a fight for survival. Of course my natural instincts of preservation and finding a good piece of prêt-à-porter kicked in and I delegated Boyfriend to his floor to find something* for himself. I didn't have time for it!

When I finally got to the last floor (stairs and the place is tiny) - because OF COURSE ladies' costumes must be in some "dark" corner - I've found out that EVERYTHING from my prospective list of Items To Buy When There Is No Marie Antoinette Costume is sold out! After spending painful 2 hours trying to get attention of sales people I gave up and chose a fairy outfit** with last minute addition of sparkly wings. A far, far, FAR cry from my FABBEST choice.

Still, we did have an amazing night, but for the whole year now all I can think about how amazing I would will look in the costume I wanted. And now I've visited the website and some of them are already out of stock on the website! No way. On Tuesday I'm going there and I'm not leaving without a fight.

* He also had a bit of a problem, because some costumes were sold out, but in the end he settled for Robin Hood. He was not impressed.

** I panicked and it was a safe choice. No-one can try the items on, because it is one-of-a-kind-very-expensive-and-child-labour-stuff-from-China. Packed in a sealed plastic bag. Apparently if you have spare £70, you can become an owner of these amazing pièces de résistance.

Mother's dreams vs reality

Mother had a dream last week. Very weird, but I don't question her dreams - they're usually so extraordinary that I consider her psychic. She has a lot of dreams about people who she knew and they died. And the same person appears in the dreams until she goes to church and lights up a candle in their memory. She had a fantastic friend during university, who died in some tragic accident. Even though Mother dreamt about her a couple times, this friend still wasn't letting go until she actually prayed for her soul! Mother dreamt about her parents being happy, shortly after they died. I never had any dreams about Grandparents. I only remember once when I was 13 or 14 I had a dream that Mother was in a coffin, dead and wearing her wedding dress. I woke up in tears and rushed downstairs crying so she could comfort me. 

Mother's dreamt last week that I was driving the tractor. I was driving it very, very slowly, so slowly that Mother finally got impatient and got out of the tractor-trailer behind. I was looking really happy didn't pay notice to anything Mother was saying. But this dream is a good sign. I firmly believe so. I've even checked it in the Dream-Book, even though I never do such a thing, and it turns out that the meaning is that slowly, my life will become stable! I truly hope it must be true! 

I am still looking for work, recently there were no call-backs. But today, just before I went to the Tanning Shop (I simply have to change my blueish/greyish skin, because it doesn't scream healthy!) I got a call from agent who will forward my CV and later, in the bookstore I almost got a heart attack when I listened to my voice mail. Next Monday I have an interview in an amazing place. One or two years working there will get me any position I'd want in the industry I want to work! So this week all my plans for Spanish and French language certificates are put aside and I concentrate on studying. I don't want to put my hopes up, but I AM excited. I'll be at least notices and even if I won't land this position, maybe they'll offer me something else now or in the future?

For my dog a glass is always half empty

A recent discovery proved something I knew for a long, long time. Dogs really have their own unique personalities and can be divided into optimists and pessimists. The research was based on the eternal question of whether the glass is half full or half empty. It was exposed that the dogs which are more optimistic rarely wailed and howled when an owner was leaving the house. On the contrary, pessimists were more prone to crying and whimpering, because they felt abandoned and didn't think that owner may come back.

As for my dog - Krecik (this is his Polish name - similar to a famous Czech cartoon called Krtek, or Krteček; English translation is little mole (animal); actually the history of Krecik's name is a story for another post) there are few things you now for sure. He. Is. Always. Whimpering. When. Mother. Leaves. She is a pack-leader as Cesar Millan would say - gives the food. On the other hand, I am treated as a lowest, most insignificant member of the pack, even though I give him treats! I'm someone you go to when you are in a bad mood or the bone/soup (Mother is always cooking for him)/meat does not taste good enough and simply bite - because you have nothing else better to do. Krecik is widely renown in my family for his temper and tantrums. Mother and me often joke that he is a little "character". He is stubborn - the story of me teaching him to give paw is famous in our circles! - and does not forget easily.

His howling is epic. It doesn't matter if he is inside or outside The Mansion, just always the minute Mother disappears around the corner - he delivers. We have very patient neighbours who never complained, but believe me - if around 6-7am on Saturday or Sunday morning something like this wakes you up your life will never be the same. To make matters worse, when I jump out of my bed in pyjamas, rush down the stairs from the first floor, through the corridor with half-open eyes, then down more stairs through the porch and open the door very loudly and he sees me - BUSTED! - he makes an incredibly fast run to his Dog House. And you can't get him out of that. He knows he is doing wrong and he is not supposed to do that. Mother busted him a few times when she forgot something and came back - he was so into howling that he didn't see her coming. If you think this might have taught him something, you're wrong - he pretends he is innocent!

 Krecik: look at me - I'm so cute and innocent!

After speaking with various vets, friends, other dog owners, etc., etc. it turns out he will never stop it. It is too late for him (he is about 7-8 years old) and his stubbornness will prevent any attempts of teaching him good manners. Oh well, c'est la vie - a whole neighbourhood already knows him anyway...

Boyfriend's parents recently adopted a mixture of the Grate Dane and Rottweiler/Doberman called Sara. Being only 4 months apparently doesn't stop you from eating sandwiches off the table! Her paws are enormous and at the moment Boyfriend's parents are desperately trying to teach her not to sleep on the sofa, armchairs and beds. Apparently the minute someone gets up in the morning the bed doesn't even get cold when she's already in it! Love it!

Dark clouds over my head

Well I don't know what to do anymore. Both interviews I went to were not successful. I'm looking for a job since the middle of July. When I wrote it now it seems like a year. And I feel like its ten years. I literally don't know what to do anymore. No matter how many applications I send, no matter how many phone calls from agents I get - no one wants me. I've been so delusional. I don't know if it's better to move to a completely different country on the other side of the world and start all over again. Or maybe... I don't know. I don't even know what my options are. So what if I have a fabulous academic results when I don't have that much work experience. I've done Law degree, then Masters in Maritime Law, followed by the Legal Practice Course. For what? For nothing. Right now I feel that I will never find a job. This makes me more and more depressed every day. I can't talk to friends, Boyfriend or family. I feel ashamed. They're telling me that it's not my fault. How can this be that it's not? 

I don't get it. I've done everything right, just like they told me to. And I've ended up with big, fat Nothing.

London's BFF is leaving

On Tuesday evening my London's BFF is leaving. AM is stepping on the plane and going back to her home country, far, far away in the land of oil and Caspian Sea. I still cannot believe it. She is a first true friend I met here and she's been here for me for the last 5 years. I can always count on her - opinion, advice or simply a pat on the back when I'm feeling low. She is smart, funny and sexy and can be friends with anyone.

I will always remember the day I met her. It was a first meeting of our group. Back then none of us didn't know that we will be together for 3 years at uni. I was already in class, sulking under the wall, when she walked in with a confident smile and we started to chat. We always had something to talk about... Making presentations, discussing topics or simply sneaking to H&M instead of going to the Tort Law lecture. Dreaming about newest and fabulous Topshop bags and going for lunches. 

It was a comfort to know that I can call her or text (or rather BBM) her anytime, anywhere and she will always answer with her "Hi sweetie!" - just like me. It was a comfort to know that she lives just 25 minutes from my place and I can make a quick phone call and be there in less than half an hour. 

I will miss so many things that I cannot write them all down. Our famous Watermelon Martinis at Cocoon sitting at the bar or on the comfy sofas and drinking, drinking, drinking and talking, talking, talking. About our families, countries, the way we live, fashion, bags, complaining about the course we've chosen and later dreaming about working in Chanel or Gucci as the in-house lawyers (and that our bonuses would be trips for Paris Fashion Week or Chanel 2.55)...

Clubbing with AM is second to none. She is so funny (especially after few drinks), dances like a pro and ALWAYS turns down every single guy who approaches her with her famous hand gesture. (It is sort of a "Zzzzzz" by Ruby Rhod from The Fifth Element. And the movie is AM's favourite movie of all times!) It is always entertaining to watch how the guy backs away.

There will be no more Halloween parties when we are dressing in scary cute outfits and after dancing in Tiger Tiger we go home to watch some horror movies when everyone is asleep. There will be no more emergency calls of what to wear and how to do your make-up. Or sharing make-up tricks... Visits with Starbucks in hand and sitting on the bench in a park discussing current affairs or simply gossiping about our mutual friends. 

I will miss her so much and I still cannot believe it is actually happening. I just hope that everything AM planned will work out and she'll come back to London next year. Or even in two years time. But she has to and she will come back. What is left for us now is planning NYE in Rio de Janeiro next year when we'll save some money.