Fifty feet of crap, then me

Since Thursday I'm in a coma. I didn't get that job. I was strolling around London, going to Starbucks to have latte during Boyfriend's break and I've checked my BlackBerry. Then it hit me. Standard e-mail from HR manager. I'm still waiting for the feedback. I cried all the way home. And then I was re-living my interview over and over again. I fell numb now. Like it was a dream. I've completely alienated myself. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I'm reading and sleeping, but every once in a while a memory and enormity of everything slaps my in the face and I'm out of breath. 

My parents don't know about any of that. I don't want them to be worried, I know how they are. I feel so embarrassed that I still don't have the job. Embarrassed in front of family, friends... everyone. Embarrassed that I am a failure and can't achieve anything. On Monday I have to start looking for job. Again. I'm dreading it. I have absolutely no idea what else I can do.

Boyfriend's 24th Birthday

I don't want today to be only marked as a date of my failed interview, so I decided to write about something more cheerful. Yesterday was Boyfriend's 24th Birthday! Poor thing is really excited and terrified at once when this day comes every year. Because I am 6 months younger than him (and Mother sent me to school one year earlier; I was am smart and intelligent), I tease him by saying: "You're sooo old". He reacts VERY aggressively and immediately after makes a sad face and noises which I can only describe as "Sniff, sniff".

Yesterday was our little celebration. Boyfriend got his presents - extremely modest this year due to my non-working - but because I know what he likes they were spot on! I also chose a very nice card, from the series we follow for various celebrations - anniversaries, Christmas, I-like-giving-you-a-card days, I-am-so-in-love-with-you-it-hurts days etc., etc. Boyfriend was happy and immediately got suck up in the surprise book. It was a lazy Sunday, but I like those. It's the time when you can relax, we can eat BIG breakfast sitting together - and Boyfriend prepares everything. In the evening there was my guilty pleasure - Xfactor and looking out of the window to admire a full moon*.

On Saturday we had a little birthday celebrations linked together with the housewarming party of Dom-dom and AP. There was a lot of champagne, food and vodka. We certainly know how to party! But because I had stupid interview today and Boyfriend was driving (Dom-dom and AP's crib is not far away, but to get there by tube takes around 1-1.5 hour, because you need to go to Central London first to change to the Northern Line) - i.e. not drinking except very little champagne and beer (we are strict on Driving = Not drinking; that's how Boyfriend's Father had a small car accident) - we decided not to go clubbing. Everyone was already wasted and clubbing was in North London - not Central where all my favourites are. I truly have fabbest friends who understood, so off we went, to bed and to get some beauty sleep.

* I've recently found a new admiration for the moon when I learned that it is made of SILVER! How cool is that?! I hope one day to have my very own Moon Silver pendant, earings and bracelet! And a ring to match!

Second Official Interview

I'm not kidding myself that I'll get the job. The interview went AWFUL. The test was relatively easy - 45 minutes to write a Note about the proposed EU Regulations. Then the interview which lasted around 40 minutes with two heads of departments. Difficult questions. For 2-3 of them I got confused and couldn't answer properly. I have a feeling that my English was horrible too. I'm just waiting for the e-mail to confirm that I didn't get it. And I don't want to even THINK how perfect this position is. How PERFECT for me in every imaginable way. Out of 200 applicants I was invited for the interview. Just after when I entered the reception I saw a guy sitting and waiting for his turn and then I knew that I won't get it. Right now I just want to cry and hide under the blanket.

What to wear: Halloween Edition

Every day is a never-ending saga of What to wear (My wardrobe is full and I STILL have nothing to wear!). There is only week and a half before a special edition of this programme: What to wear: Halloween Edition. This is serious. Dom-dom reminded me yesterday that we didn't discuss any possibilities! This year, like usually, we're going to be dressed up and clubbing somewhere in central London. Apparently, there is this girl which is organising a party and our Group Elite is coming. I need to think fast and make decisions even faster. I do NOT want it to be like last year.

Last year I was so busy with my studies that I put off buying my costume for the last minute. It was a very bad decision and I regretted it dearly. I was constantly on the telephone/texting/BBM with Dom-dom, AM, Monx and AB about which outfit to choose and what is SHE wearing. In the end I've chosen to dress up as a Marie Antoinette. Sexy one. I mean barely-there dress, white stockings with blue ribbons and extreme silver heels. And what did I get? Certainly nothing like that.

Me and Boyfriend decided to venture to the biggest and most-well-stocked costume shop in London. They say that it has 6 floors for crying out loud! I was so excited! So off we went, on a Saturday afternoon. My dreams were crushed and reality hit me when we were standing in the queue OUTSIDE of the shop for about 40 minutes. Inside was even worse, cramped like sardines in a tin I was beginning to feel like this is a fight for survival. Of course my natural instincts of preservation and finding a good piece of prêt-à-porter kicked in and I delegated Boyfriend to his floor to find something* for himself. I didn't have time for it!

When I finally got to the last floor (stairs and the place is tiny) - because OF COURSE ladies' costumes must be in some "dark" corner - I've found out that EVERYTHING from my prospective list of Items To Buy When There Is No Marie Antoinette Costume is sold out! After spending painful 2 hours trying to get attention of sales people I gave up and chose a fairy outfit** with last minute addition of sparkly wings. A far, far, FAR cry from my FABBEST choice.

Still, we did have an amazing night, but for the whole year now all I can think about how amazing I would will look in the costume I wanted. And now I've visited the website and some of them are already out of stock on the website! No way. On Tuesday I'm going there and I'm not leaving without a fight.

* He also had a bit of a problem, because some costumes were sold out, but in the end he settled for Robin Hood. He was not impressed.

** I panicked and it was a safe choice. No-one can try the items on, because it is one-of-a-kind-very-expensive-and-child-labour-stuff-from-China. Packed in a sealed plastic bag. Apparently if you have spare £70, you can become an owner of these amazing pièces de résistance.

Mother's dreams vs reality

Mother had a dream last week. Very weird, but I don't question her dreams - they're usually so extraordinary that I consider her psychic. She has a lot of dreams about people who she knew and they died. And the same person appears in the dreams until she goes to church and lights up a candle in their memory. She had a fantastic friend during university, who died in some tragic accident. Even though Mother dreamt about her a couple times, this friend still wasn't letting go until she actually prayed for her soul! Mother dreamt about her parents being happy, shortly after they died. I never had any dreams about Grandparents. I only remember once when I was 13 or 14 I had a dream that Mother was in a coffin, dead and wearing her wedding dress. I woke up in tears and rushed downstairs crying so she could comfort me. 

Mother's dreamt last week that I was driving the tractor. I was driving it very, very slowly, so slowly that Mother finally got impatient and got out of the tractor-trailer behind. I was looking really happy didn't pay notice to anything Mother was saying. But this dream is a good sign. I firmly believe so. I've even checked it in the Dream-Book, even though I never do such a thing, and it turns out that the meaning is that slowly, my life will become stable! I truly hope it must be true! 

I am still looking for work, recently there were no call-backs. But today, just before I went to the Tanning Shop (I simply have to change my blueish/greyish skin, because it doesn't scream healthy!) I got a call from agent who will forward my CV and later, in the bookstore I almost got a heart attack when I listened to my voice mail. Next Monday I have an interview in an amazing place. One or two years working there will get me any position I'd want in the industry I want to work! So this week all my plans for Spanish and French language certificates are put aside and I concentrate on studying. I don't want to put my hopes up, but I AM excited. I'll be at least notices and even if I won't land this position, maybe they'll offer me something else now or in the future?

For my dog a glass is always half empty

A recent discovery proved something I knew for a long, long time. Dogs really have their own unique personalities and can be divided into optimists and pessimists. The research was based on the eternal question of whether the glass is half full or half empty. It was exposed that the dogs which are more optimistic rarely wailed and howled when an owner was leaving the house. On the contrary, pessimists were more prone to crying and whimpering, because they felt abandoned and didn't think that owner may come back.

As for my dog - Krecik (this is his Polish name - similar to a famous Czech cartoon called Krtek, or Krteček; English translation is little mole (animal); actually the history of Krecik's name is a story for another post) there are few things you now for sure. He. Is. Always. Whimpering. When. Mother. Leaves. She is a pack-leader as Cesar Millan would say - gives the food. On the other hand, I am treated as a lowest, most insignificant member of the pack, even though I give him treats! I'm someone you go to when you are in a bad mood or the bone/soup (Mother is always cooking for him)/meat does not taste good enough and simply bite - because you have nothing else better to do. Krecik is widely renown in my family for his temper and tantrums. Mother and me often joke that he is a little "character". He is stubborn - the story of me teaching him to give paw is famous in our circles! - and does not forget easily.

His howling is epic. It doesn't matter if he is inside or outside The Mansion, just always the minute Mother disappears around the corner - he delivers. We have very patient neighbours who never complained, but believe me - if around 6-7am on Saturday or Sunday morning something like this wakes you up your life will never be the same. To make matters worse, when I jump out of my bed in pyjamas, rush down the stairs from the first floor, through the corridor with half-open eyes, then down more stairs through the porch and open the door very loudly and he sees me - BUSTED! - he makes an incredibly fast run to his Dog House. And you can't get him out of that. He knows he is doing wrong and he is not supposed to do that. Mother busted him a few times when she forgot something and came back - he was so into howling that he didn't see her coming. If you think this might have taught him something, you're wrong - he pretends he is innocent!

 Krecik: look at me - I'm so cute and innocent!

After speaking with various vets, friends, other dog owners, etc., etc. it turns out he will never stop it. It is too late for him (he is about 7-8 years old) and his stubbornness will prevent any attempts of teaching him good manners. Oh well, c'est la vie - a whole neighbourhood already knows him anyway...

Boyfriend's parents recently adopted a mixture of the Grate Dane and Rottweiler/Doberman called Sara. Being only 4 months apparently doesn't stop you from eating sandwiches off the table! Her paws are enormous and at the moment Boyfriend's parents are desperately trying to teach her not to sleep on the sofa, armchairs and beds. Apparently the minute someone gets up in the morning the bed doesn't even get cold when she's already in it! Love it!

Dark clouds over my head

Well I don't know what to do anymore. Both interviews I went to were not successful. I'm looking for a job since the middle of July. When I wrote it now it seems like a year. And I feel like its ten years. I literally don't know what to do anymore. No matter how many applications I send, no matter how many phone calls from agents I get - no one wants me. I've been so delusional. I don't know if it's better to move to a completely different country on the other side of the world and start all over again. Or maybe... I don't know. I don't even know what my options are. So what if I have a fabulous academic results when I don't have that much work experience. I've done Law degree, then Masters in Maritime Law, followed by the Legal Practice Course. For what? For nothing. Right now I feel that I will never find a job. This makes me more and more depressed every day. I can't talk to friends, Boyfriend or family. I feel ashamed. They're telling me that it's not my fault. How can this be that it's not? 

I don't get it. I've done everything right, just like they told me to. And I've ended up with big, fat Nothing.

London's BFF is leaving

On Tuesday evening my London's BFF is leaving. AM is stepping on the plane and going back to her home country, far, far away in the land of oil and Caspian Sea. I still cannot believe it. She is a first true friend I met here and she's been here for me for the last 5 years. I can always count on her - opinion, advice or simply a pat on the back when I'm feeling low. She is smart, funny and sexy and can be friends with anyone.

I will always remember the day I met her. It was a first meeting of our group. Back then none of us didn't know that we will be together for 3 years at uni. I was already in class, sulking under the wall, when she walked in with a confident smile and we started to chat. We always had something to talk about... Making presentations, discussing topics or simply sneaking to H&M instead of going to the Tort Law lecture. Dreaming about newest and fabulous Topshop bags and going for lunches. 

It was a comfort to know that I can call her or text (or rather BBM) her anytime, anywhere and she will always answer with her "Hi sweetie!" - just like me. It was a comfort to know that she lives just 25 minutes from my place and I can make a quick phone call and be there in less than half an hour. 

I will miss so many things that I cannot write them all down. Our famous Watermelon Martinis at Cocoon sitting at the bar or on the comfy sofas and drinking, drinking, drinking and talking, talking, talking. About our families, countries, the way we live, fashion, bags, complaining about the course we've chosen and later dreaming about working in Chanel or Gucci as the in-house lawyers (and that our bonuses would be trips for Paris Fashion Week or Chanel 2.55)...

Clubbing with AM is second to none. She is so funny (especially after few drinks), dances like a pro and ALWAYS turns down every single guy who approaches her with her famous hand gesture. (It is sort of a "Zzzzzz" by Ruby Rhod from The Fifth Element. And the movie is AM's favourite movie of all times!) It is always entertaining to watch how the guy backs away.

There will be no more Halloween parties when we are dressing in scary cute outfits and after dancing in Tiger Tiger we go home to watch some horror movies when everyone is asleep. There will be no more emergency calls of what to wear and how to do your make-up. Or sharing make-up tricks... Visits with Starbucks in hand and sitting on the bench in a park discussing current affairs or simply gossiping about our mutual friends. 

I will miss her so much and I still cannot believe it is actually happening. I just hope that everything AM planned will work out and she'll come back to London next year. Or even in two years time. But she has to and she will come back. What is left for us now is planning NYE in Rio de Janeiro next year when we'll save some money.