Wishful thinking

Next week I have a meeting with the recruitment agency, a meeting I am nervous about. It has been so long since I've been out and about and interact with people I don't know that I'm scared that I will forget tongue in my mouth. I'm not keeping my hopes up that something will turn out of it, because it's a simple registration meeting. At least I will go and be registered in another agency. I've also spoken with the agent, whom I met in August - regarding my dream job (for which I didn't even get the interview). The current job offer is in the same company, with excellent prospects for self-development and - most importantly - with the prospect of landing that dream job in the future. Again, I'm not hoping for anything. As far as I know - I am completely out of luck and it doesn't seem that it will end soon... It seems, however, that everyone is doing something, moving on with their lives, only I am stuck in the exactly same point as I was months ago. 

It's been two days since I've taken pills my doctor prescribed. It turns out - surprise, surprise - that I have depression and anxiety disorder. I have not spoken to either of my parents in weeks (with Mother - since that horrible outburst) and to be honest, I am feeling better, except that nagging feeling of guilt. I am learning to cope with it and understand that I can be ME without them. That I can make choices despite what they are thinking. It feels pretty depressing to actually realize that and start to learn that when I'm 23. Also, I don't really believe that the pills will help me. I don't understand how they can help me, because they won't magically erase all of negative thoughts in my head... Time will tell.

Let's not think about it

I have fantastic start of my 6 weeks challenge. I am sick. I am so angry with myself it's beyond words. I came back yesterday, I was hot, but I still drank this apple juice from the fridge. And later I came back from the gym and I did exactly the same thing even though I knew it's bad! Just great. I didn't go to gym today and I won't go to AW tomorrow - even if I'll feel better (unlikely) I don't want her to get sick.

I talked to a doctor today and  he prescribed me some pills. The things I have and take now - mostly herbal - are just not strong enough. When I'll get the pills I will speak to him in two weeks time to check if my condition has improved. I only forgot to ask him if I should talk to Mother or not. It's a vicious circle for me, because every time I get better I have to talk to her again, because we Skype on Sunday and Wednesday. 

I don't know HOW, but I've managed to send some applications today. Nothing special - usual thing recently - but at least I've been strong enough to log on the websites. There are so few offers (especially legal), it's terrifying, but I try not to think about it. Lately, it's my response to almost everything.

Motivation is what gets you started, Habit is what keeps you going

My 6 weeks challenge began today! I am so excited and cannot believe that I am actually going to do it! I went to the gym, I've done some working out - just taking it easy. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to go to the Step class and later do some work alone. I even managed to survive cross-trainer - my most dreaded torture machine EVER.

It was a busy day. In the morning I went to the work experience office and I've written some letters. Later, I went to collect a parcel from my aunt (of course Post Office only delivered delivery notice) and then to the gym! I am happy, I am full of energy. 

I am gathering my strength, because tomorrow at 10am I am talking to the psychiatrist, who will decide what kind of treatment I need. I am a little bit nervous and scared that I'll by crying throughout the conversation. I try not to think about it, so I won't waste my energy on being scared.

When you don't have strength anymore

Today I went to Kent to visit AW. She has only two or three pregnant pictures, so I took Boyfriend's camera (it's SO heavy) and I hopped on a train. I was little shaky in the morning, because of what happened yesterday, but I was determined not to bail out on AW and simply go there. Plus, what's the point in being completely alone all day - it would be much worse, with no distractions whatsoever. 

The Shard is going up

Time to hop off

She is huge! We made some pictures, we had some lunch and we talked, talked and talked. It was so good to tell her stuff and knew that she listens.

Me and AW are similar in terms of upbringing. We're both only children, so it's easier for her to understand me. Because when there are brothers and sisters, parents' bad energy is spread more-or-less evenly. On the other hand, when you're an only child, this energy concentrated on you. It's really true. I am so grateful that I can talk to her. She also struggled with her parents - just like I do. Then she slowly started to stop being afraid of what will happen when she won't do as she's told. This is exactly what aunt is telling me: "Stop being afraid of her! What can she do to you?!". And all I can remember is how I was punished when I behaved in a way that mother didn't want me to - even if it was a lesser grade. She was and she still uses emotional blackmail and I'm surrendering to it. 

Aunt talked to her doctor and he prescribed some herbal pills for me - a full-on 10 days treatment, so I can heal and calm my nerves. I know that I should talk to someone like psychiatrist, because I still can't sleep, I have nightmares and suicidal thoughts. I want someone to help me. I want someone to hear me. I just don't have the strength anymore to fight alone.

My nerves are shattered

In the end, my day ended in tears. But these were tears of stress and nerves. Mother called and she put me in such a state I had a full nervous attack - just like in the old days. She said nothing new - that I don't look for a job, I waste my time spending it with friends and that I should study Spanish, that she is disappointed and "let's be honest - you have nothing now, you don't have the job and I am horrified what's going to happen to you".

I am fed up. I am literally fed up. I didn't respond to one thing she was saying and when her tirade ended I simply said that I won't be talking to her or father until I have a job - even if it would be six months. I simply can't take it anymore. Instead of keeping my spirits up and saying positive things like "something will come up", she is always accusing ME - that it is my fault that I don't have a job. I'm just spinning in a circle and I can't get out. She never sees me as a person, she never listens to me and my needs, she shrugs it off like a dust.

Immediately after the phone call, I called my aunt. I couldn't breath, so only after a while I took some medicine to calm me down. Now I have strict instructions from my aunt that I am banned to talk to my parents. They simply don't understand that I am trying and that I simply can't get a job. Their attitude and things they say to me - in their eyes - for my benefit - have caused a serious problems. I don't know how to solve them alone.

Decisions or not?

I still didn't decide what to do which equals that I'm going to stay with Boyfriend in London for Christmas. I don't want to say another what would be if I had a work, but the truth is that I wouldn't even think twice then and just booked a ticket - £190 would be a fair price. Not like it is right now. I feel double-guilty, because every time I talk to Mother on Skype I can see how sad she feels.

What can I do?! I can only promise myself that it is the last time. I want to believe that it is the last time. I need to gather my strength and attack New Year with power. I need projects, I need commitment from myself, I need to actually do something - even when I'm still not working.

Today was the last day at the WE office this year. I'm coming back in the second week of January. It's not a rewarding job, it's completely remote from what I want to do, but at least it's something. At least I've got this something to put on my CV. And I'm grateful for that.

I talked to AM a little bit today. I'm depressed that I don't have work and she's depressed that she has work in her home country. She just doesn't fit there and can't get used to that place. I'm so sorry for her. She deserves so much better!

Trying to stay positive

I try to stay positive and think about the future in bright colours. But it proves much harder than I thought it could be. For the past week I've alienated myself and stopped talking to almost anyone. It's getting better each day and I hope it'll continue to do so. I really hope, because I have no idea how long I can exist like this. I say exist because it is existence - nothing to plan, nothing to do, nothing to wake up and get up in the morning for. This is the hardest part of all. To have something when you have nothing. But I made progress today by actually logging to the find-a-job websites and sending some applications. It is not good out there - very little advertisements, but I had to do something.

AM sent me Facebook message today. She has a hard, hard time adjusting to live in her country again. I seriously don't blame her. If someone would take away my freedom and normal habits I would be devastated. I can see that she is even more depressed than I am. I wish I could make her laugh and simply hug her and tell her everything's gonna be alright, but I know just as she does that it won't get better soon. She misses everything and everyone, literally everything. I feel so bad even though I can't do anything. And I feel bad, because my problems seem less significant than hers. And that I didn't write to her because I was ashamed that I failed on the last interview. I hope she'll come and visit soon. I know it'll get easier for her with time, but all the time she'll think about those amazing things she could be doing Here instead of There. I'm planning a little surprise for her - I've just send her sister a message to get AM's home address and I'll send her some magazines (Vogue!!!) and treats from London!

Fifty feet of crap, then me

Since Thursday I'm in a coma. I didn't get that job. I was strolling around London, going to Starbucks to have latte during Boyfriend's break and I've checked my BlackBerry. Then it hit me. Standard e-mail from HR manager. I'm still waiting for the feedback. I cried all the way home. And then I was re-living my interview over and over again. I fell numb now. Like it was a dream. I've completely alienated myself. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I'm reading and sleeping, but every once in a while a memory and enormity of everything slaps my in the face and I'm out of breath. 

My parents don't know about any of that. I don't want them to be worried, I know how they are. I feel so embarrassed that I still don't have the job. Embarrassed in front of family, friends... everyone. Embarrassed that I am a failure and can't achieve anything. On Monday I have to start looking for job. Again. I'm dreading it. I have absolutely no idea what else I can do.