Friday, 31 December 2010

Last day of the year

We're gonna clean the space around us, so we're not going to enter New Year with the old dirt and filth. Then, I'm washing my long, long hair and trying to make something out of it. Because my hair is VERY uncooperative, it will lay flat despite my best efforts. All of my life I try to tame and force it. And it is not curly - it is straight as a stick. I remember that before the Prom Night I spent like 6-7 hours at the hairdresser and all my beautiful curls were gone within 1 hour. I was devastated! In January I'm planning major hair revamp - with cutting and layers.

We're going to party and celebrate NYE at Sway. I'm torn whatever I want to go - on the one hand there's going to be Dom-Dom, Monx, probably ECH with her boyfriend. But on the other hand, there's going to be lots of people I'm not exactly fond of. And they're going to be asking questions. A lot of questions which will follow the conversation like that: "Do you have a job? No? Don't worry, something will come up eventually". And these pity looks. I'm going to need A LOT of vodka today.

Thursday, 30 December 2010

Hoping for a change

I don't really want to write any recap of this year. It wasn't particularly good for me. Or I should rather say it was just plain crappy. Except passing all my LPC exams in the first round nothing happened that could really make me happy. I still don't have a job, I still feel awful and guilty about that. I just hope that the new year will be better. Because I don't know what else to do. I seriously don't. Because apparently even when you want to volunteer in Africa you need money for the ticket.

I just hope for a change, for some good luck, for a light at the end of a tunnel. I don't know if it's a lot to ask or not, but I ask for it anyway. I want to be a better person, but right now I feel that I have nothing to change for. 

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Eat, Pray, Love

I started reading today one of my presents from Santa - book: "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I've heard about it long time ago, but never got a chance to actually buy it and read it. There is even the movie with Julia Roberts based on this book and as I always prefer to read first and watch later - I knew that I had to put the book on my Santa List. 

I haven't decided what to think... yet.
After reading the reviews in The Times and hearing Oprah saying that the book is "the bible for XXI century woman" I was expecting a lot. I think I expected a little too much and so far, the book is not really delivering. Maybe I am too young, maybe I don't understand. I think the fundamental issue is that I am not really fan of the author - I do not like her as a person she is. Of course, I will give her a chance (I still have 2/3 of book to read), but so far - it's not so good. The book reminds me a little bit (or maybe it's only the similar story) about another million-copies-sold bestseller: "Under the Tuscan Sun" written by Frances Mayes. I wonder what will happen to Elizabeth Gilbert when her journey takes her further. I hope she'll choose smart, because so far, for me, her portrait is a little bit of a spoiled brat.


Tuesday, 28 December 2010

After Xmas

I can't believe how fast Christmas went by! Preparations, plans, scheming and eating. Today we went to do some shopping and exchange unwanted gifts. Therefore instead of one rather ugly bag - I have two! Yey! Me like sales. 

Beautiful, right?
We had to get up really early to be in the shopping centre among first ones - I was not in the mood to be squashed among masses. Anyway, is there anyone anywhere to be in such mood - ever? We've managed to avoid big squeezes, but when we were leaving it was actually hard to get to the door.


The Boyfriend is watching first season of Fringe. We started watching it last night, but for me there's too much blood, suspense and psychotic scientists. So for the dessert we'll have Le Petit Nicolas.

For laughs and smiles
EDIT: We've just watched Le Petit Nicolas. I haven't laugh so hard in ages (in movie-terms: since The Hungover). The movie is officially one of my Top Three comedies EVER. The other two places are taken by The Hungover (I know that you've figured this one out) and Rat Race.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Boxing Day

Today I'm not feeling very well and we've stayed home chillaxing (as ECH says). Due to the Skype-internet problems I haven't talked to my parents much, so I called home and Mother was like OK, OK, we're busy, we've baked some cake and everything's fine. I never thought this day would come when my parents actually didn't have a single fight during the holidays. Usually the pattern is like that: serenity before storm, lightnings, fireworks, more fireworks and back to love is all around. I can't believe they are actually getting along! It feels so good to know that and I just hope I haven't jinxed it!

We were planning to take a walk around London today, but because I feel really miserable we've put it of until Tuesday. Tomorrow we're going to the shopping centre to maybe catch some bargains - unless everything is sold out, because as far as I know there's shopping MADNESS in the UK at the moment. Boxing Day is a Sale Day - similar to the American Black Friday after Thanksgiving. On top of that, of course Transport for London aka tube workers decided to strike today and probably tomorrow - we still can get to the city, but I don't want to image what's going on there.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Christmas Day

It is official. I ate WAY too much. I feel I need special Joey-pants* and I need them now. Boyfriend commented on this by saying that the only reason we ate too much is simply because the food is so delicious. Well, it is! But we didn't eat proper dinners today and yesterday - simply because it is not physically impossible - there's not space left. Not even for one tiny sip of tea. So now it is time to get up, go outside to visit local swans and gooses at Reservoir and for a change - feed someone else - not only ourselves! Merry Christmas!

We came back with cold feet and red faces. It's cold outside. Like freezing cold. And despite our best attempts the birds were not interested in yesterday-baked bread! There are only two theories behind this - either they are fussy eaters and prefer cake rather than plain bread OR they're also so mega-hiper-full like we are. Nevertheless, we had a walk, saw a beautiful sunset and... saw a fox! A real, furry creature - how great is that!

Now Boyfriend is drinking mulled wine and eating gingerbread cookies and we're listening to Christmas Carols.

Merry, Merry Christmas!

* For those who don't know this episode - Phoebe brought Rachel her maternity pants - ugly patchwork with elastic rubber instead of proper belt. During Thanksgiving Joey had to eat whole turkey and in the middle, he put these pants on, so he could have more room!

Friday, 24 December 2010

Christmas Eve

It's going to be a quick and short post, because I want to enjoy my presents - Santa was VERY generous this year! Christmas Eve was much more better than I thought it would be - we made the food, talked to families on Skype and it was actually very nice. I am happy. Considering how unhappy I was about staying here in London for Christmas - it's so good to feel happy and relieved! I think I've put too much pressure on myself and right now it feels so good - as if weight was lifted from my shoulders!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

On the Eve of the Christmas Eve

Today I'm being lazy (I've watched Pride and Prejudice like hundredth time) and keeping a low-profile before tomorrow's madness of shopping and cleaning. In Poland tomorrow's Christmas Eve is a day which is enormously celebrated - even more than the actual Christmas Day. It's this evening of the year where the whole family gets together, sings Christmas carols and according to the tradition eats 12 different dishes. After the dinner all the kids are looking out of the window and wait for the first star to come up - this means that Santa comes with the gifts! And because miracles happen (and I don't mean talking animals on Christmas Eve) - the presents appear under the Christmas Tree! When I was little my dad dressed up as Santa and when he rang a bell I was screaming, shrieking and hiding under the table! Oh, how happy I was.

This year will be nothing like that. I truly hope that's the last time I'm not celebrating Christmas properly and away from family. There will be Boyfriend and me. That's it. I am sad, but I try not to think about it. We will just add something extra special from us - to cultivate old and make new traditions for the future. And I thank God for Skype!

To all of you my Blogging Friends - I wish you a Merry Christmas 
and a very Happy New Year!

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Strolling alone

I went to collect NYE tickets today. Of course there was some drama, because they were unsure if I only reserved them or booked and paid. I've never been there - we were planning to go there with the girls countless times, but never actually got there - but my first impression wasn't so great. At least as good as I hoped. Anyway, I'll keep in mind that the place doesn't make the party, only people and that you can have the best of times with the cheesiest songs on the planet if the people are fantastic. What I LOVE to do next morning when I wake up after every party is to check out all the pictures I made. To say the least, I've made some enemies on Facebook throughout the years. I can't wait for the NYE pictures. It's going to be crazy!

Later I went for a walk around London. I was in no hurry and for the first time in years (!) I was strolling alone around the city with no purpose or agenda. It was great. I didn't even realize how much I needed it. It reminded me how I actually love to live here.

Christmas Tree on Trafalgar Square

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

4 things about me

I was given this tag by the lovely Sarah Elizabeth. If you haven't already - check out her blog! She traded rainy Scotland for sunny Italy and is currently renovating her 16th century house in the middle of a small village. How cool is that?! Thank you Sarah Elizabeth for tagging - I enjoy all tagging experiences! xox


Here are my 4 things:

4 Shows I watch: TV series are one of my many guilty pleasures. From the top:
1. Friends - there are reruns every day all year on the TV. I usually watch it when eating  dinner and I still cry from laughter during the episode when Ross is wearing leather pants or Rachel and Chandler are helping him to lift his couch.
2. Sex and the City - fashion, New York, girlfriends, cosmopolitans. Just perfect.
3. True Blood - not for the faint-hearted! I started to watch this after my friends recommended it. Then I read books and think that those are even better. But I just enjoy salivating over Alexander Skarsgård aka Eric Northman.
4. Gossip Girl - XOXO, you know you love me.

4 Things I'm passionate about:
1. Animal rights - one of main reasons I became vegetarian is because I didn't want to harm animals in any way. And I buy make-up and cosmetics only from companies who do not test on animals. 
2. Fashion
3. Art
4. Recycling

4 Phrases I say a lot:
1. Sorry very - my self-made variation - often said to Dom-dom on the phone when explaining something.
2. Can you make me some tea, pleeeeeeeease? - to the Boyfriend
3. Thank you - when he makes some.
4. OK

4 Things I've learned from the past - I wish I could go back in time and tell me that:
1. Do NOT care what others think about you.
2. Never judge book by its cover.
3. You're not choosing your family, but they will stick by you for the better and worse.
4. NEVER mix wine, beer and vodka.

4 Places I'd like to go: 
1. New Zealand
2. Japan
3. Chile
4. The Moon

4 Things I did yesterday:
1. I decided that for sure I want and I will move back to Poland sometime in (unfortunately) not specified future.
2. Talked to Mom on Skype.
3. Lost a card game with Boyfriend.
4. Wrapped Christmas presents.

4 Things I'm looking forward to:
1. Getting a job in a New Year.
2. New Year's Eve and partying drinking with Dom-dom and Monx.
3. Going home for Easter.
4. Giving Christmas presents - yesterday I had to literally stop myself from giving him at least one!

4 Things I love about winter:
1. How everything changes under the cover of snow and is white and pure - even the ugliest things.
2. That I can wear my Fox scarf.
3. Drinking hot chocolate without any regretts!
4. Christmas atmosphere.

4 Things on my wish list:
1. Getting a job.
2. Plane tickets for me and the Boyfriend to Poland.
3. Great NYE dress.
4. To be a rockstar. Even for one day.


And finally pass the tag onto 4 other bloggers:

1. Piglet in France

2. The Rich Life (on a budget)

3. Programmer's Wife

4. Love in the City of Lights

Monday, 20 December 2010

Christmas shopping etc.

Yesterday I went crazy. I got really stressed out, because I have been behind with sending applications (I needed a break from it and there not that many anyway). I just couldn't fall asleep, so I got up and send around 60. Honestly, I MUST have some superpowers. There's no other explanation - whole wide UK is deep asleep and I'm applying on a Sunday night. Soy loca. Today I got two phone calls from agents - my CV will be forwarded, so at least it is going somewhere.

It was a productive day - I went to the Post Office to collect my Amazon order. Finally. Then coming back I decided to go and buy Christmas presents. Naively thinking that it's Monday and it's not going to be crowded in the shopping centre. As usual, I was delusional. There was so much people I barely made it to River Island and Boots! I somehow managed not to go mad in there and when I came back I've even wrapped in paper all the presents! (I also hid them - some are in the drawer covered by my socks and the other half is in the wardrobe under the summer clothes.) Oh, how I enjoy giving presents! Shh, don't tell the Boyfriend, but I've bought him THE BEST present - a binary watch. Perfect for IT guy! Ha!

I've also booked tickets for the New Year's Eve party. This year I'm gonna dance, drink be wasted and say bonjour to the New Year in Sway. Apparently, a lot of people are coming. For me, the most important thing is that my closest friends are going to be there. It is pretty sad, but I've never, ever had a great NYE. Most of them were boring and more boring and I've never properly celebrated it. I feel that I desperately need it this year. To enter 2011 with a new energy, surrounded by friends and laughter. So I can find my inner-power and strength. So next year can be a better year.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Snowy

Yesterday I had everything planned - cleaning, Post Office (my amazon order FINALLY came after two weeks of waiting), shopping, storage unit and Christmas lights, cinema and a good dinner. We ended up doing nothing of the above. There was a snow storm. And then more snow with a cold wind. Boyfriend went only to the nearest store for the essentials and that was it. On top of that battery in the car went dead (that's what happens when Boyfriend no longer uses the car everyday to go to work) and I was pretty sure that was it. Possibility to pay for a new battery was just a final straw. In the end it worked out for the best that we didn't drive anywhere - cars abandoned on the streets, small accidents and all that. 

Today battery was charged and despite snow on the ground off we went - at least to get Christmas light and for a walk near the reservoir. Because the car doesn't have snow tires it was going from side to side when not driving on the main roads. And when it came to coming home - last few meters going uphill - the car just stopped responding and I had to sit behind the wheel and Boyfriend was pushing. Honestly, for a moment I thought that we're not gonna make it.
London today
Walk in the park was great. We planned to build a little snowman, like we do every year, but because the air is so icy, the snow is dry and you can't even make a snowball, let alone a snowman. Sniff, sniff. Maybe it'll get better in a couple of days. There weren't many people and only few came with the dogs - a very calm Sunday. Even the reservoir is covered with ice and you can see little footsteps of ducks and swans on it. And now Boyfriend is preparing dinner, I'm drinking hot cup of tea with lemon and I have The Sunday Times to read.

Friday, 17 December 2010

I didn't sleep well this night. Boyfriend was out having a Christmas party and came back around 6.30am. He spent 4 hours in a hospital with a colleague, who tripped when leaving the club and broken her leg! They waited for one hour for an ambulance and finally had to take a cab.

I'm not feeling good these days. Combination of homesickness, no job and festive atmosphere around does not help me at all. It may sound selfish, because it probably is, but I hate that people around are happy, I hate that they are complaining about work or telling me that they have to find a second job for weekends, because they'd love ti have extra cash. I hate thinking about my life over and over again and regretting that I've studied what I studied. I hate that I can't turn back time.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Trying to find Christmas atmosphere

So the Christmas cards have been finally sent and all I can do right now is pray that they'll arrive on time. For a couple of years I've been putting it for the last minute and the only reason I've sent them today was when I heard that AW is sending hers today. Few years ago I've been sending them at the very beginning of December and this year - even though I had cards for a month (!!!) I was stuck. And I had to make a walk in a pouring rain to the tube - that's the price you pay for being lazy.

I've been so close to buying a nice extra-small Christmas tree (around 10cm), but because it's alive I know we won't have space, so it can grow later. We already have one plant-leftover from Easter two years ago (it died almost 5 times, because I wasn't watering it. It reminds me - I must water it today.) And I don't have a heart to just throw it away like a disposable tissue. But we will go this weekend to the storage unit and take Christmas lights to make a window decoration. If I can't have a full-on Christmas display, at least I deserve to have a mini display.

"The sea gave her back..."
I've read today that in Israel storm unearthed an ancient Roman statute which is estimated to be at least 1,700 years old! Isn't it amazing?! To think who it represented, where it stood and who crafted it - lost and forgotten for centuries. It makes me sad that we'll probably never find the face and how many other treasures lie somewhere forgotten.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Decisions or not?

I still didn't decide what to do which equals that I'm going to stay with Boyfriend in London for Christmas. I don't want to say another what would be if I had a work, but the truth is that I wouldn't even think twice then and just booked a ticket - £190 would be a fair price. Not like it is right now. I feel double-guilty, because every time I talk to Mother on Skype I can see how sad she feels.

What can I do?! I can only promise myself that it is the last time. I want to believe that it is the last time. I need to gather my strength and attack New Year with power. I need projects, I need commitment from myself, I need to actually do something - even when I'm still not working.

Today was the last day at the WE office this year. I'm coming back in the second week of January. It's not a rewarding job, it's completely remote from what I want to do, but at least it's something. At least I've got this something to put on my CV. And I'm grateful for that.

I talked to AM a little bit today. I'm depressed that I don't have work and she's depressed that she has work in her home country. She just doesn't fit there and can't get used to that place. I'm so sorry for her. She deserves so much better!

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

I'm feeling lonely

I just came from WE - it was good to actually go there and do something constrictive. I ate Boyfriend's risotto and covered under blanket I'm surfing on the net. I feel sad and lonely since yesterday. I think it dawns on me that for this year's Christmas it's going to be only me and Boyfriend. No family, some friends, no Christmas Tree, no Christmas carols and this atmosphere which can only be achieved by being with the family - the jokes, the food, the stories... I have few wishes for a New Year - find a job, start to earn money and to save some, be a happier person and spend holidays with the family back home.

I've just checked ticket prices and it would be possible for me to go home for Christmas. But Boyfriend would be left behind and completely alone. And what I am supposed to do right now? Buy ticket? Stay? I have absolutely no idea. One part of me wants to buy this ticket right now, my heart is racing so fast. Another part feels sorry for him. I've already done staying-for-him thing this year for Easter. It was a couple of days when I've felt so alone like I've never felt in my entire life. Because I was alone - he had to go to work. Now he has different job, but still - he'll have to go to the office.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Bad and good reviews

Expect surprises
This weekend we went to see The Tourist. I'm not a fan of Angelina Jolie. I've always belonged to the Jennifer Aniston camp and always will. However, after watching Changeling I saw her more as an actress, rather than a celebrity with husband's blood in a phial around her neck. And surprisingly, even though in The Tourist a second leading role plays Johnny  Depp, it was Angelina's portrait of Elise that convinced me. Johnny Depp's  flimsy performance just didn't sell his character - I could see him as an actor playing the role, not an actual person he played. 

I've read the movie's review in The Sunday Times and as usual - it has only two stars while I enjoyed it. No matter who is reviewing the movies the only advice The Sunday Times gives me is to check out movies with the least stars. I don't know how these people measure the cinema. Apparently, it should be innovative, modern with a twist of being old-fashioned and at the same time a breakthrough. Thankfully, the book reviews are usually alright. For the next week in a row I've found a worrying trend - that the top ten of the best-selling hardback copies are ALL memoirs of some kind of celebrity Z-list stars (OK, there is one A-list - member of The Rolling Stones, but that's it). Who is reading those "books" written by comics and entertainers with a really ugly front-cover?

And yesterday I've watched the final of The X Factor - just like other 20 million people. Matt Cardle won, I'm very happy - I was supporting him from the beginning.  Especially after he sang Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" or "First time ever I saw Your face" in a more than perfect way. He was mentored by Dannii Minogue, who for me is a role-model. Although people say that we shouldn't  vote for people just because they are mentored by a particular judge, the reality is a little bit different. It's the end of  The X Factor saga for now, Dom-dom will be free to go on dates on weekend's evenings (she is addicted to the show and NEVER misses an episode!), I'll be able to go to the cinema without regrets and the gossip columns will be full of the new details of the wannabies' lives.

Friday, 10 December 2010

How much full of yourself can you be?

ECH came to London when she was 17, almost 18. Now she is 30. She's done her degree in journalism. She has worked as a journalist in a Publishing House which publishes an annual compendium/encyclopedia about all major UK Law Firms - of course the biggest stress is made on the corporate international ones. Because her work involved interviewing many barristers and solicitors, she became familiar with law in general. Naturally, she possessed a fantastic knowledge about all law firms and the rivals they had. All good and bad points. 

She applied for the Training Contract* and from ONLY five applications she got three offers. She had this advantage and liberty to actually choose the law firm she wanted to work in! For today's standards, it is UNBELIEVABLE. That law firm paid for her both GDL** and LPC*** courses AND gave her yearly grant - they've spent on her more or less £45,000.

On the GDL she has failed at least 4 subjects. She passed them on the second attempt and was told that on the LPC such situation won't be tolerated. On the LPC she has failed one subject - a core subject called Property Law and Practice. The pass rate is 50%, she got 48% - only 2% difference means that if she would have answered correctly in one more multiple questions (A, B, C, D), she would have passed. Her law firm was understanding - tin my opinion extremely understanding - and told her that she has to pass under the second attempt or it's over. Second exam was at the end of August. Of course she appealed against the decision, but as the exams are checked by three independent examiners - there was no chance for change. 

She has failed second attempt. Even though she had whole summer to study, she decided to go home (Greece) for a month, party and study in the meantime. I told her what AM told me when she didn't pass her LPC exams year earlier - that second attempts are ALWAYS harder. It is understandable - they are using the material you were supposed to learn and know, but which was not really covered in the same detail in the classes. Nothing you can do about it. Pass rate remained the same - 50%. She got 37%. She has received the results at the end of October. During all that time she was working in her law firm as an assistant. She didn't wriggle her way out of this one. She was immediately fired. The results came in the morning, on 2pm she was already sitting in her flat. 

All this time she is blaming others. Despite the fact that on the eve of her first exam she went to a pub with her ex-boyfriend or the fact that she went away, without books or will to study. She had EVERYTHING and now she has NOTHING. But she is still blaming others. She again appealed against the decision, but she has achieved nothing.  Of course College of Law will not admit to their fault - even if there would be their fault. And there isn't. There simply isn't.

I just needed to get it out of my system. The whole story makes me really angry. I remember her boasting around, telling everyone and pointing me out that she had a training contract. And when I started to look for work (which I am still doing) she was telling me how easy it is to find it and suggesting that I'm not trying hard enough! At the moment she doesn't have a job. Even though she has much more experience on her CV than I have. Right now she is blaming her agent for her failed interview claiming that he  offered too big remuneration, which was rejected.

At least I've passed all my exams on the first attempt and never in my entire life have I failed something and she still has to write Property Law and Practice. In April. Without the help of College of Law (meaning that if there is any change of law she has to dig it up herself).
 
* Before you can become a qualified solicitor in England & Wales you need to complete a two year training contract at a law firm, with at least four different seats - in the areas of law like tax, corporate, media. Depending on in which law firm you have your training contract, you will be committed to the particular seat.
** Graduate Diploma in Law is a postgraduate law course that is taken by non-law graduates (graduates who have a degree in a discipline that is not law) wishing to become either a solicitor or a barrister in England & Wales. It allows people with a greater variety of educational backgrounds into the legal profession.
*** Legal Practice Course is the vocational stage for becoming a solicitor in England & Wales. The LPC is regulated through the Law Society. 

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

The Witcher

Today I'm reading my gift from Santa - The Witcher. I have wanted to read the books ever since I've met MFL* which was 7 years ago. I've just realised how long I know Him. And how amazing it is that I still have contact with him, despite the fact that I'm living here, he's living in Poland and I have a Boyfriend. All this years went by and I still have a major crush on MFL. I would something to happen, but I start to realise that nothing will actually happen. Anyway, it's a miracle that we still keep in touch considering the fact that I have no news from people I've known my entire life (or 18 years to be precise).

Yesterday I was looking for the books online and I've even planned to buy them next time I'm in Poland. And apparently Santa decided that I was a nice and so I got them yesterday. Whole package. Is it wrong to get something from your Boyfriend which reminds you of someone else - someone you have feelings for? I'm reading and thinking about MFL all the time. All day. I've texted him in the morning, but he can't be on Skype today to talk. I know that I have no future with him, but I still wonder what it would be like... If we had this chance.

*MFL = My First Love

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award - My First Blog Award!

Yesterday I've received another present - this time it was virtual and from the



Monday, 6 December 2010

Saint Nicholas Day

Because sometimes you just have to get up, put on your favourite heels, put on a slap of make-up, a brave face and walk out of door. Today I went to buy some Christmas cards and little gifts. I went today hoping that on Monday afternoon shopping at the shopping centre will be a rather nice experience. I was wrong. Just driving there I could see rows and rows of cars at the car park. What's happening inside can be described by only one word: frenzy. People walking everywhere, buying, trying, checking and carrying bags. I don't even want to know what was going on there yesterday and on Saturday! 

A little something for Boyfriend
I love buying gifts - it doesn't matter to whom. I just enjoy the thought that they will be pretty and useful for someone. I know almost every time what to buy for whom. I do have some problems, but usually after spending a far share of time at the shops I can dissect the best buy. Today is Saint Nicholas Day and it's a huge celebration in Poland. St. Nicolas is putting little gifts for children under the pillows and it's a huge deal. When I was going to school - doesn't matter if it was primary school or high school - it was a tradition that in the class we were drawing lots two weeks before and then buying gifts anonymously to the person we were lucky (or not) to draw. There were years when I was coming home with tears because a stupid boy bought me only chocolate and a stupid decorations while others got amazing colour books and crayons. There were years when I've exchanged draws with others so I could end up buying present to one of my best friends and she was buying mine, so we went out together and I was happy to know what I would get. Today I've bought Boyfriend little something, I hope he'll like it! I've also bought little something for myself, because it was such a long, long time since I've indulged myself. And I like it!

A little something...
...for me!


Sunday, 5 December 2010

I'm sad but My First Banner cheered me up a little

I'm not feeling very good this weekend. I have a headache, a little sore throat and in overall I'm not feeling good at all. In addition, I had to break news today to Mother and say that I won't be home for Christmas. I know she is keeping her brave face but underneath she is heartbroken. I feel so sorry, I feel so sad. We're talking that I'll come for Easter... It is so long to wait. So long...

I just wish I have a job so I could FINALLY start to plan my life. I'm one of those who like to plan and make lists. I like to be organised, have Year Planner and little cute Notebooks. I want to be able to plan what I'm going to do and when.

After a couple of hours spent in front of the monitor, suffering pain in my neck, countless mistakes made in Gimp and time-consuming looking through the websites to find perfect embellishments I have made my first and very own banner! I hope you'll like it, because I absolutely LOVE it!

Friday, 3 December 2010

Beginning of December

I'm staying indoors for most of the week, because I feel I am in a pre-cold state and I REALLY don't want to be ill. Outside everyday are the minus-something temperatures, but there is very little snow. Barely over 5cm while AW told me that in Kent there is over 50cm. And it is. I saw the pictures she posted online. Not fair. But I'm not gonna spoil my morning thinking about that. Boyfriend went to work everyday this week, but he is alone in such behaviour - half of his office is empty and one of his colleagues has a broken ankle, because he slipped on the ice on the very first day of snowing (and his girlfriend was too scared to drive him to the hospital - even though he was in pain - because there was so much snow. I'm not complaining - I'm just saying). 

I'm starting to think about presents for Christmas. Usually I have a huge problem what to get for Boyfriend and I don't think it's going to be any easier this year. I also HAVE TO buy rest of the Christmas cards this weekend and send them on Monday. I'll put on some Christmas carols, write nice wishes and try to find my Address Book. If I'd have my card-making kit I would have done most of them myself, but since it is in storage I'm stuck with purchased. But writing Christmas cards, snow and decorations all around make me feel happy that the Christmas is coming! I'm not kidding myself - I know that I'm not gonna go to Poland and I won't see my parents, Krecik, my family and friends. But at least I have Boyfriend here and other friends and we'll try to make most of it.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Snow already melted

Didn't even survive one day
OK, there WAS some snow yesterday, but it melted and right now it's back to minus temperatures with nothing to compensate for the coldness. Everyone was updating their statuses on Facebook, friends calling and posting pictures - who knew that a little bit of frozen water can give so much? On the other side, people stranded at the airports, railway stations and in the cars on the motorway would beg to differ. Even Boyfriend recived an e-mail from work which encouraged people to take as much work home as possible in case they won't get to the office toady. Of course all around London everything is still, but because living in a big city generates lots of fumes and heat - we won't have that much snow. Sniff, sniff... To celebrate I drank new raspberry Breezer. I hate rum therefore I'm not a fan of Breezer, but this flavor tastes like a watery juice - perfect for me AND it has ONLY 100 calories! Winner!

I didn't go to WE today. I decided to stay and finally study some Spanish. Today it's 1st of December so I have only like a MONTH to revise and enrol on a nice intermediate-level course! It's actually making me sick right now. I waste so much time on the Internet and reading that I don't have anything left to study! On Saturday we went to buy me some books - and I have one for legal Spanish and one for preparation for DELE. These are the new ones. In addition, I have the lastest issue of Elle in Spanish, at least 5 different revision books, El Hobbit, Grammar and Vocabulary in Nutshell... Just please - I need some motivation! Today there are no excuses - I need to sit down and revise!

Monday, 29 November 2010

Where is this snow?!

It's TOTALLY unfair. They predicted snow on Friday, then on Saturday, finally Sunday and apparently it's supposed to fall this night. In Poland the Mansion is covered in snow, Krecik can't run in the garden - only jump like a rabbit through the fluffy snowdrifts. The whole city is in a standstill. 

Don't believe in what IPad tells you!
My friend updated her status on Facebook that she's already spent 10 hours in a plane and she doesn't know how long she's going to wait. She's leaving UK today. Because there IS snow in the UK. Scotland, Newcastle, everything up north is COVERED in snow. But in London it's freezing and empty

I love how snow changes everything. How it works it magic on ugly rooftops, forgotten gardens and dirty sidewalks. Everything is white and bright, new and pretty. New shapes appear and you can smell winter in the air. I like how snow makes this distinctive sound when you walk on it when the temperature is below zero. And how it falls dawn the sky when I focus on one snowflake until it's on my glove melting.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Sunday at English Pub and Ruislip Lido

After morning Skype with Mother when I’ve found out that it has already snowed in Lublin we decided to brace ourselves and drive to Ruislip Lido. I like this place very much! There is a huge forest on three different sides, a lake with swans, ducks and other birds, little beach (usually occupied with children playing and bored parents) and even a little Ruislip Railway services which takes you on a little steam train from one side of the lake to the other for a mere £1! I like walking on the forest paths or on the sunny sidewalk, just near the beach. In the summer we’re going there with a little picnic basket and blanket to get some tan laying lazy in the sun and reading The Times. Since I’ve bought my bike we also went there to make a little drive around the lake stopping to get some ice-cream and watch dogs fetching balls and sticks from the water.

Today it was so cold that we barely made it to the beach when we turned and went back to the car. We also took some bread (bought on the same day from the Polish Bakery! Yum!) to feed the birds. The seagulls were so annoying and trying to steal the food so I was throwing it only in the direction of the ducks. I’ve even pulled my courage and actually hold the bread in my hand when the duck was grabbing it and trying to chew! It was so amazing to see the duck’s teeth and pink soft tongue! So cute!!! Boyfriend was feeding the swans and at one point I was pretty sure one of them will bite him or hit him with wings after he tried to stop two swans fighting over a crust.

I am so glad that we ended up there – even if just for a short walk, because I ate WAY too much today! On our way to Lido we stopped at a typical English Pub (Beefeaters) – which on Sundays changes into a family place – where everyone sits and eats, orders more ale and drinks some more. I was sceptical, because the combination of the name and the atmosphere of an English Pub does not normally guarantee vegetarian food (except French fries), but I was positively surprised! Because Boyfriend was driving he ordered orange juice and I decided to go for the rose wine. I rarely drink wine, because I simply don’t like it. I’m usually having it with a meal – when I know that the taste will be masked by the flavour of the food and I had it only once in a club – I was already drunk and as most of the girls were ordering it I went with the crowd. Very. Bad. Decision. NEVER go with the flow when it comes to drinking. NEVER. I should know better! Anyway, I ate a wonderful cauliflower and cheese soup with a fresh baguette, followed by not-so-great Mediterranean pasta and AMAZING chocolate and vanilla ice-cream sundae. At this point I was so drunk (Boyfriend had a GOOD laugh out of me) and I still have no idea how I managed to actually find place in my body to store all this food! But next time I’m ordering starter soup OR main meal ONLY!

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Discovering the Hummingbird Cupcackes

It was supposed to be snowing today in London. It didn't, but it is VERY cold. I was wearing my extra-warm gloves, long woolen scarf and a teddy hat which ended up in my bag, but I think it will see the world tomorrow. I was freezing, but I'm happy. I love pre-Christmas London - all the decorated shopping windows, festive atmosphere on the streets and random reminders of the gift-season.

That's what I want for Christmas!
Our plan was to go to the Spanish Bookshop so I can buy some books for studying, dinner and cinema. When we climbed the stairs on the Oxford Circus it appeared that whole Regents Street and Oxford Street are closed for shopping and some festive stuff.
OK, I'll also settle for this lot.

We managed to find some freebies like acid-green bag and I spent some time salivating in front of Liberty. The Manolos, Kiehl's cosmetics, scarves and lots and lots of little gems...


I've bought some books: Temas de derecho - Español en el ámbito jurídico, El cronómetro: Manuales depreparación DELE and Spanish Elle. Then we were looking for a place to eat from the TasteCard application on the phone (Boyfriend has a card so he gets various discounts), but after wandering around for like an hour we've given up and by accident decided to go to Byron. Luckily they do have vegetarian hamburgers so we didn't starve in the end! The PERFECT dessert was the Hummingbird Cupcake! I have no idea that next to the Oxford Street - is one of the most magical places with the BEST cupcakes in the world! Now I know when we're gonna desserts every time aka tomorrow.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Planners

I just got off the phone with Dom-dom. She is usually calling me when on a bus and coming back from work. We agreed that this weekend (the latest!) we simply HAVE TO find something and book it for the New Year's Eve. We're already afraid that every club in town may be booked and we don't want to end up in some borough's disco. There are so many other plans - what to do for Christmas, Boxing Day, Christmas dinners with friends... And as always we're both just talking and planning how wonderful it will be, but then actually doing nothing. No more. I know! I'll use IPad to plan all these big events! Boyfriend brought it yesterday from work - apparently he borrowed it aka took it for playing etc. as it belongs to his IT team. Fun!

We have party on Saturday, but I suspect that Dom-dom will be too tired from working and I'll make any excuse not to go there (it's in a remote place and far away from my pad and Boyfriend doesn't want to NOT drink and drive again). So we'll probably meet on Sunday for XFactor. Due to the constant lack of money and (her) hard-working and (my) shame of  unemployment we are like two 80-year old grandmothers - NOT twenty-something girls! I just hope that the New Year will bring a lot of a positive change!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Thing about the cinema

Today I'm not feeling very well, so since I came back from the WE I'm staying in bed and reading. I'm finishing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Then I want to read the last book in the series and finally go to the cinema and watch Deathly Hallows - Part 1. It's been such a long time when I was last watching a movie in the cinema. We used to go every week or sometimes twice a week - every time when there was something interesting. And now with all this money shortage we just stopped. I love going to the cinema - especially during the week and on weekend's mornings - when there is few people and quiet. There were few times when we actually were the only ones in the whole room! Boyfriend always buys something to drink and we sometimes share nachos or toffee popcorn - but most of the times I prefer nothing, because if only we have time - we're going for eat-fest and drink-fest to some nice restaurants. I have a feeling this weekend we may finally go out and watch something! I certainly hope so! 

Monday, 22 November 2010

Weekend is over

Another lazy weekend behind me. I HAVE TO do something constructive next week. No more sitting, eating and just turning from one side to the other on the bed all day! I need to DO something!

I'm going to the WE office every day and sometimes it's fun and great and sometimes I'm just nervous and not completely sure what to do. On Friday I had to make like 20 calls to chase some insurers to find out if they've received out letter of claim. Today I wrote a long and strong letter of complaint to the "Immigration Specialists" who only took the money from a nice lady and used the fact that she doesn't speak English. She's working in a supermarket and living here with her 6 year old daughter and her Ukrainian boyfriend for whom she's sponsoring the visa. He is not working 1 year, because he can't legally work and won't do something illegal to jeopardise his chances of actually getting a visa. They started the application process over a year ago, paid like £920 (at least it was only HALF of the fee) and they are in the same point. That stupid firm completely ignored them. She went to a different one and the application is proceeding. She is still not in the worst position - some people paid £3000 and NOTHING was done! This is simply outrageous!

I've finally plucked my courage and filed some job applications today. But I'm seeing everything in the dark colours - I've sent them, but there's nothing for me and I know that no one will call. I also had an emotional talk with my parents during weekend - every time it is so exhausting and depressing that I'm left feeling low thorough the day. (And that is also one of the reasons why I'm keeping everything low on weekends.)

I'm thinking what would be the best way for me to revise Spanish. I need to sit on my ass and just read something and study. But I was also thinking about going to Mexico or Spain - maybe for some voluntary work to do. I'd need 3-6 months to really RECALL all my vocabulary and grammar. Then I would pass advanced certificates easily. I'm not even thinking of going there to do some PROPER job although I may look for it. But let's be realistic. No one wants me in London - who would want me over there? 


Wednesday, 17 November 2010

First day at the WE Office

OK, so I finally went to the office today I did some work. Unfortunately I won't be paid, but at least I will get some experience to put on my CV! And the owner of the company aka director is really friendly so I'll have no problems with agreeing with him. There are also two nice girls women and I have no problems talking to them. All in all, it's good for now. Also, I'm free whenever I'll have any interview which is great because gives me hopefully much needed flexibility. 

Today I had to make a couple of calls - in Polish and English! I have no idea which ones were more stressful, but I think those in Polish. I have completely no idea how to deal in Polish on a professional manner - I would never be able to write a formal letter in Polish when in English it is like my second nature. 

The office deals with personal injury claims, car accidents and some bookkeeping and accountancy. It also helps people who don't know English and confirms my biggest fears - that actually for a foreigner it is possible to live in the UK for 10 years without knowledge of the English language! For me it is very sad - I think that one of the reasons you want to emigrate to another country is to learn about the culture, embrace some experiences and get to know the real people. I admit that in London it is hard to find and befriend real English man and women because of the all diversity, but it's not impossible! I honestly pity people who just come here and set their own boundaries to only keep close with each other. We only live once!

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Another day in suspense

I didn't sleep well this night. I kept waking up hour after hour and finally woken up an hour too early only to realise I still can get some sleep. Of course I didn't. If I am fully awake that's it for me and I can only go back to sleep during the day if (1) I have terrible hangover or (2) I have a fever.

On 7.15am I've checked my BlackBerry only to find a couple of random e-mails and a message on Facebook. On 7.45am I've left fully dressed up and with nervous stomach ache - ready to go. On 7.59am I've checked my BlackBerry again and there was a message from the guy telling me that today it won't work out, because someone is not coming to the office and if I can go there tomorrow at 9am. Fortunately I haven't been very far so I've just hopped off the bus and went back home. So here it goes - another sleep-deprived night and more nerves on the way!

Today outside is the perfect fog. Honestly, I haven't seen anything like that for a long, long time. And today it's different, because it actually stayed! Usually it just disappears and around 10am it is just a mere memory, but right now I think it grows even stronger and stronger. You can't actually see very far! It's also cold, cold, cold. It's good that I've found my warm woollen scarf and gloves yesterday!

Monday, 15 November 2010

From bad to not-so-bad

And so one hour ago I've found out that the guy I was supposed to have interview and talk about my work experience with, wasn't in the office today. After all the hopes and nerves, the disgusting mint tea in Starbucks and the horrible journey in the bus... Some may say c'est la vie, I can only cry. I don't even count on this job now. In all my stupidity I was so naive to think that he may actually offer me a position and even tell me to stay today to start ASAP. How stupid can I be?!

I don't have money to go to Poland for Christmas. Plane tickets cost around £500 and I just can't afford that. Boyfriend may repair his car and we may go then. That's the only hope. Otherwise it is just too expensive. 

And now I just have to clench my teeth and literally force myself to visit all the job websites. I honestly don't know how long I'll be able to do it. I have no motivation to actually wake up in the morning, get dressed and... do what? Nothing.

I'd like to do so many things: go to the oil painting course, Spanish and French courses, finally join the gym or enroll to the morning boot camp, go horse riding (I miss it so, so much)... And without money it's all impossible. 

Edit 1.00pm: I decided to keep the chin up, go to the store for some dinner, then study some Spanish and Marine Insurance. I'll call the guy around 4pm and ask what's going on. I also have some ironing to do - which I like - it makes me calm plus my pedantic nature really loves the fact that the creased clothes are changed into something smooth and pretty.   

Edit 5.06pm: Of course no-one from that office called me. I finally gathered the courage and tried to call that guy - he didn't answer the phone; I tried the office - no-one is picking up. At that point I was a little bit mad and just called him again. He picked up and told me that there was no misunderstanding as such and the secretary should have known about me! I'm going there tomorrow 9am for a couple of hours to try.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

My options

Tomorrow I'm going for an interview to a Polish agency, which helps other Poles to acclimatise here in the UK. AW gave me details to call the owner and telling me that her friend gained work experience there. She wasn't paid except some money for lunch and travel. I talked to the guy on Thursday and it sounds promising - he asked me if I'm available part-time or full-time and if I am working at the moment. I told him that I'll take anything and I really want to gain some work experience. Even if I'd work there for a month - would be great - maybe in January something will come up for me.

But on the other hand I could go home to Poland, study Spanish for like a month, come back and pass language certificate. Then it would be so much easier for me to get an AA job. Or maybe not? Maybe better to stay here and study in my free-time and just get some work experience? I don't know what to do and everything depends on what I'll agree on tomorrow. And if it'll even work out. 

To confuse me even more, another option I have - thanks to the AW's advice - is that I can volunteer in a charity shop for a month or two. I was already planning to go to the Cancer Research near Baker Street and ask if they'd need me even for a couple hours a week. Apparently that's how AW and her husband started their CV careers! It's a very good advice and I was considering it, but I've put this on hold - I'm waiting what will come out from the tomorrow's interview. 

One thing I am sure of is that I want to volunteer at the British Museum. I just need to finally go there and ask about all the information. From what I read on the website anyone can become a volunteer if can commit to one or half day for six months. Plus, they're giving full training! Boyfriend wanted to volunteer at Science Museum but their expectations are so high that it is impossible.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Remember, remember; the Fifth of November

"Remember, remember
The Fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot
We see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot..."
 

2010 marks the 405th anniversary of Guy Fawkes. It's no wonder British children can recall the rhyme; every year there are massive celebrations to commemorate the failure of the 1605 Gunpowder Plot. Four hundred and five years ago, Catholic conspirator Guy Fawkes and his gang of accomplices attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament and King James I along with it. The group were executed for treason but they are remembered every year as children the length and breadth of the country make effigies of the infamous traitor to burn on large bonfires. This uniquely British commemoration of our past also sees thousands of fireworks being blasted into the sky in imitation of the plot's explosive failure.

It all sounds a bit gruesome but these days it's all in the name of fun. Across London there are scores of municipal displays as well as thousands of private parties. Residents regard their local displays as a source of pride and huge crowds gather to "ooh" and "aah" as thousands of pounds worth of pyrotechnics are sent up in smoke. Not only is Bonfire Night a spectacular occasion - fun for kids, with a bit of community spirit - but it gives you a chance to get outside, grab a piping hot snack and a glass of mulled wine and gaze into the skies with the rest of London.

Today Lord Mayor of London gives a spectacular show of the fireworks just above the Thames - next to the Big Ben and London Eye. Unfortunately I am not feeling very well and we decided not to go in the end. We're gonna watch some XFactor in the evening and I'm planning a indulge myself in huge belgian waffle with banana, whipped cream and maple syrup! Yum-yum!

Friday, 12 November 2010

Sex and the City

Third day in a row I'm watching SATC. All seasons from the beginning. I just love it. LOVE IT! It is amazing how much Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha taught me! And it's amazing how you can get attach to them and treat them as your own friends. They are so open and simply fun whilst at the same time they deal with some serious problems. AM always claims that I remind her of Charlotte. And it is kinda true. I can really easily relate to her - style (OK, maybe when we talk fashion I'm a hybrid between Charlotte and Carrie), innocence and quirkiness.  

Sometimes I still dream about living in New York, moving my girlfriends over there and having a fab Manolos collection. We always want what we can't have. I know I should be more grateful - I live in London, have great  friends and wardrobe which doesn't want to close full of not-so-labeled clothes. And I am grateful. It's just sometimes I'd like to be as free as they are and careless. And to talk about sex without any inhibitions...

I was talking to KO for 2.5 hours on Skype today. If Boyfriend had known that he would be very sad. I know that he is so jealous of him that even a mere mention of his name gives him creeps. But I'm sorry - I want KO to be part of my life and nothing and no-one can change that. I've had a MAJOR crush on him and I still have it. I know that sometimes it may be playing with fire, but that's what makes the life more interesting, doesn't it?

At least I am not cheating like AB. She told everyone on Facebook* what a fabulous time she had in Turkey with her girlfriends (I was sure at that point that she went there with her sister) and it turns out that she went there with a guy she met in a club. She met him exactly one week after her boyfriend (for 6 years) went to Germany for 1 year to work there as an IT consultant. And apparently AB and her boyfriend are still together! She has one hot guy here in London and the other husband-type in Germany. I still don't get that. Personally, the guilt would have eaten me alive. And the weirdest thing is that she wanted her boyfriend to go away so she could have fun - and all she did was to SETTLE for the first guy she's met! Where's the fun in that?! Work hard, play hard, cheat hard!

* The most depressing thing was that her actual boyfriend LIKED her status. Poor thing doesn't know what a bitch she is!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Polish Independence Day

Today in Poland is National Independence Day. It is a public holiday celebrated every year on 11 November to commemorate the anniversary of Poland's assumption of independent statehood in 1918 after 123 years of partitions by Austria-Hungary, Prussia, and Russia.

When you think about all of the November is somehow remembrance of those who passed away. Maybe it has something to do with the weather and autumn which makes this month so nostalgic.

Today's weather in London is appalling. The wind and rain make it almost impossible to venture outside unless you have to go to work. Boyfriend already told me that he has never seen so many broken umbrellas on his way to work. It's a pity because I wanted to visit nearby cemetery and light a candle on the grave of some nameless soldier.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

.

My relationship with Mother was always difficult. I was born when she was almost 40 and the difference between generations didn't help us at all. Of course she claims that such thing does not even exist, but I know better. There is a lot of bitterness between us and neither of us makes an effort to overcome this. I made so many efforts that now I've just given up and I simply don't tell her what's going on in my life. Except with work. I don't have work, I don't have interviews and I don't have any prospects at the moment. 

She makes me feel bad, very, very bad. Makes me feel like a failure - because what can she say to her friends, neighbours and our family - that I'm still looking?! Since July?! How come - I MUST be doing something wrong - I've been at great schools, have fantastic degree - how the hell I STILL don't have a job?! She blames me for it even though I do everything I can to change the situation. Sometimes I catch myself at being exactly the same person when I was when I was 17 - listening to her and always doing exactly what she says. Or she would have her tantrum, scream and even hit me. That's why I decided to leave home and come to a foreign country to study. I escaped. I knew that I couldn't deal with the situation any longer or I would end up in a psychiatric unit. 

I hate the fact that every week when I log on Skype my heart is racing fast, I have nervous stomach pain and want to vomit - I'm scared of in what mood she's going to be today and depending on THAT how the conversation will go. I know for sure that I can NEVER be honest with her - I've been before and she has used this against me countless times.It pains me that she blames me for everything... I can never have a normal discussion with her, because she thinks she is always right and all of my achievements in her opinion are only thanks to her. 

I needed to get it out of my system. I've just finished to talk to her on Skype and it was a first decent conversation we had since 2 weeks ago I told her firmly that I don't want to talk about job thing and she went ballistic. When I listen to Madonna's "Miles Away" I always think about her and Father. 

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud

Friday, 5 November 2010

Visiting AW

AW is 22 weeks pregnant. She is having a boy and has due date on 8 March 2011. It's actually scary to see her so grown-up and mother-to-be. I mean - she is my first and (at least for now) only true and real grown-up girlfriend with husband, nice flat, mortgage and living outside London in Kent - better schools, less city noise and more family-oriented neighbourhood. 

One of the reasons I see her so rarely is the fact that she lives so far away! When Dom-dom was living in South London I still managed to see her in her flat and party with her in Clapham - but I was always (not so) swift tube ride away to get home. On the other hand, to get to AW's place I need to board a train. I have never been on a train in the UK before. I love journeys in a train - because when I was growing up Mother decided not to have a car the fastest way to get to grandparents was to hop on a train. I like it - from the fastest and most fabulous TGV in France to stinky 12-hours journeys in Poland - me like it! 

The reality hit me when I had to stand and wait at King's Cross Station for like 25 minutes for a train. I forgot how long you have to WAIT if you're not getting a tube or hop in a car. Then, of course went on the wrong platform so I had to backtrack... I was sitting next to an old (and very stylish) lady who was getting off on the same station as I did. During the 30-minutes journey I was looking outside the window all the time when she was putting some make-up and retouching what she had put on. She was simply a very nice old lady. And I've finally saw Big Ben and London Eye from the train - after so many walks on the bridges and seeing people on the trains I've finally got my own experience. Of course AW would laugh at me right now considering she had to take this train every day to get to work. 

I honestly still can't believe that AW is pregnant. OK, even SHE still can't believe it! I still remember our long talks that kids are... hmm... disgusting and ugly. Well, yes - they are! Then she told me that she has woken up one day and suddenly she felt an urge to have a kid. Just like that - you don't know when it can hit you! It's actually scary!!! She showed me the scan pictures and I've actually FELT his kicks! That was soooo weird! Plus, she told me LOTS of inside info reserved only for pregnant women. Apparently even a midwife in a hospital told her NOT to tell any childless girlfriends about it, because it may put them off from having a baby. We both condemned such behaviour! AW told me that there were numerous occasions when she was panicking for nothing, because no-one told her that something may happen and it's completely natural. That's why I'm glad she's having this baby boy - she is my guinea pig!

She also helped me to be more positive about all this job thing. She's going to Poland for 10 days, but when she'll come back we'll go through my CV together and maybe figure something out. Still, AB said that now it's the end of the year so firms are not recruiting people - they're waiting for the New Year. Hopefully, it will get easier in January...

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Trying to stay positive

I try to stay positive and think about the future in bright colours. But it proves much harder than I thought it could be. For the past week I've alienated myself and stopped talking to almost anyone. It's getting better each day and I hope it'll continue to do so. I really hope, because I have no idea how long I can exist like this. I say exist because it is existence - nothing to plan, nothing to do, nothing to wake up and get up in the morning for. This is the hardest part of all. To have something when you have nothing. But I made progress today by actually logging to the find-a-job websites and sending some applications. It is not good out there - very little advertisements, but I had to do something.

AM sent me Facebook message today. She has a hard, hard time adjusting to live in her country again. I seriously don't blame her. If someone would take away my freedom and normal habits I would be devastated. I can see that she is even more depressed than I am. I wish I could make her laugh and simply hug her and tell her everything's gonna be alright, but I know just as she does that it won't get better soon. She misses everything and everyone, literally everything. I feel so bad even though I can't do anything. And I feel bad, because my problems seem less significant than hers. And that I didn't write to her because I was ashamed that I failed on the last interview. I hope she'll come and visit soon. I know it'll get easier for her with time, but all the time she'll think about those amazing things she could be doing Here instead of There. I'm planning a little surprise for her - I've just send her sister a message to get AM's home address and I'll send her some magazines (Vogue!!!) and treats from London!
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