Friday, 18 February 2011

Wishful thinking

Next week I have a meeting with the recruitment agency, a meeting I am nervous about. It has been so long since I've been out and about and interact with people I don't know that I'm scared that I will forget tongue in my mouth. I'm not keeping my hopes up that something will turn out of it, because it's a simple registration meeting. At least I will go and be registered in another agency. I've also spoken with the agent, whom I met in August - regarding my dream job (for which I didn't even get the interview). The current job offer is in the same company, with excellent prospects for self-development and - most importantly - with the prospect of landing that dream job in the future. Again, I'm not hoping for anything. As far as I know - I am completely out of luck and it doesn't seem that it will end soon... It seems, however, that everyone is doing something, moving on with their lives, only I am stuck in the exactly same point as I was months ago. 

It's been two days since I've taken pills my doctor prescribed. It turns out - surprise, surprise - that I have depression and anxiety disorder. I have not spoken to either of my parents in weeks (with Mother - since that horrible outburst) and to be honest, I am feeling better, except that nagging feeling of guilt. I am learning to cope with it and understand that I can be ME without them. That I can make choices despite what they are thinking. It feels pretty depressing to actually realize that and start to learn that when I'm 23. Also, I don't really believe that the pills will help me. I don't understand how they can help me, because they won't magically erase all of negative thoughts in my head... Time will tell.


  1. Hi, Long time since I was able to stop by as not been on internet much, I am sorry to read you're still going through a rough patch.

    Pills: its up to you whether you take them or not but if you are already thinking that they won't help you then they probably won't. I was prescrived anti depressants this summer and took them for 2 months resulting in me having issues with my inner ear and central nervous system. It was scary and I had more and more panic attacks. Talk to your doctor about alternatives, maybe see a psy - it sounds as if you need to do some soul searching and figure out some things. Feeling lost in your twenties is common (I think) but it is very unstablizing and can leave you wondering about loads of things. I've been there many times and again only just this year.

    Recruitment agencies: you have to keep on top of them, they will just as soon forget you if you're not constantly in touch with them. Voila. Don't forget this and you will be okay, otherwise you will pin your hopes on them for nothing.

    good luck hun!

  2. Good luck with the meeting.
    On the parent thing....You will always want to be who you are with them in your life...It is a human emotion.
    As a mom that is having trouble connecting with my 22 year old...I honestly crave her to want me in her life...everynight.
    She is the first thing i think of every day when i wake up......ok i will be quiet now


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