Tuesday 25 January 2011

My nerves are shattered

In the end, my day ended in tears. But these were tears of stress and nerves. Mother called and she put me in such a state I had a full nervous attack - just like in the old days. She said nothing new - that I don't look for a job, I waste my time spending it with friends and that I should study Spanish, that she is disappointed and "let's be honest - you have nothing now, you don't have the job and I am horrified what's going to happen to you".

I am fed up. I am literally fed up. I didn't respond to one thing she was saying and when her tirade ended I simply said that I won't be talking to her or father until I have a job - even if it would be six months. I simply can't take it anymore. Instead of keeping my spirits up and saying positive things like "something will come up", she is always accusing ME - that it is my fault that I don't have a job. I'm just spinning in a circle and I can't get out. She never sees me as a person, she never listens to me and my needs, she shrugs it off like a dust.

Immediately after the phone call, I called my aunt. I couldn't breath, so only after a while I took some medicine to calm me down. Now I have strict instructions from my aunt that I am banned to talk to my parents. They simply don't understand that I am trying and that I simply can't get a job. Their attitude and things they say to me - in their eyes - for my benefit - have caused a serious problems. I don't know how to solve them alone.

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