Wednesday, 26 January 2011

When you don't have strength anymore

Today I went to Kent to visit AW. She has only two or three pregnant pictures, so I took Boyfriend's camera (it's SO heavy) and I hopped on a train. I was little shaky in the morning, because of what happened yesterday, but I was determined not to bail out on AW and simply go there. Plus, what's the point in being completely alone all day - it would be much worse, with no distractions whatsoever. 

The Shard is going up
Time to hop off

She is huge! We made some pictures, we had some lunch and we talked, talked and talked. It was so good to tell her stuff and knew that she listens.

Me and AW are similar in terms of upbringing. We're both only children, so it's easier for her to understand me. Because when there are brothers and sisters, parents' bad energy is spread more-or-less evenly. On the other hand, when you're an only child, this energy concentrated on you. It's really true. I am so grateful that I can talk to her. She also struggled with her parents - just like I do. Then she slowly started to stop being afraid of what will happen when she won't do as she's told. This is exactly what aunt is telling me: "Stop being afraid of her! What can she do to you?!". And all I can remember is how I was punished when I behaved in a way that mother didn't want me to - even if it was a lesser grade. She was and she still uses emotional blackmail and I'm surrendering to it. 

Aunt talked to her doctor and he prescribed some herbal pills for me - a full-on 10 days treatment, so I can heal and calm my nerves. I know that I should talk to someone like psychiatrist, because I still can't sleep, I have nightmares and suicidal thoughts. I want someone to help me. I want someone to hear me. I just don't have the strength anymore to fight alone.

1 comment:

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