Where is this snow?!

It's TOTALLY unfair. They predicted snow on Friday, then on Saturday, finally Sunday and apparently it's supposed to fall this night. In Poland the Mansion is covered in snow, Krecik can't run in the garden - only jump like a rabbit through the fluffy snowdrifts. The whole city is in a standstill. 

Don't believe in what IPad tells you!

My friend updated her status on Facebook that she's already spent 10 hours in a plane and she doesn't know how long she's going to wait. She's leaving UK today. Because there IS snow in the UK. Scotland, Newcastle, everything up north is COVERED in snow. But in London it's freezing and empty. 

I love how snow changes everything. How it works it magic on ugly rooftops, forgotten gardens and dirty sidewalks. Everything is white and bright, new and pretty. New shapes appear and you can smell winter in the air. I like how snow makes this distinctive sound when you walk on it when the temperature is below zero. And how it falls dawn the sky when I focus on one snowflake until it's on my glove melting.

Sunday at English Pub and Ruislip Lido

After morning Skype with Mother when I’ve found out that it has already snowed in Lublin we decided to brace ourselves and drive to Ruislip Lido. I like this place very much! There is a huge forest on three different sides, a lake with swans, ducks and other birds, little beach (usually occupied with children playing and bored parents) and even a little Ruislip Railway services which takes you on a little steam train from one side of the lake to the other for a mere £1! I like walking on the forest paths or on the sunny sidewalk, just near the beach. In the summer we’re going there with a little picnic basket and blanket to get some tan laying lazy in the sun and reading The Times. Since I’ve bought my bike we also went there to make a little drive around the lake stopping to get some ice-cream and watch dogs fetching balls and sticks from the water.

Today it was so cold that we barely made it to the beach when we turned and went back to the car. We also took some bread (bought on the same day from the Polish Bakery! Yum!) to feed the birds. The seagulls were so annoying and trying to steal the food so I was throwing it only in the direction of the ducks. I’ve even pulled my courage and actually hold the bread in my hand when the duck was grabbing it and trying to chew! It was so amazing to see the duck’s teeth and pink soft tongue! So cute!!! Boyfriend was feeding the swans and at one point I was pretty sure one of them will bite him or hit him with wings after he tried to stop two swans fighting over a crust.

I am so glad that we ended up there – even if just for a short walk, because I ate WAY too much today! On our way to Lido we stopped at a typical English Pub (Beefeaters) – which on Sundays changes into a family place – where everyone sits and eats, orders more ale and drinks some more. I was sceptical, because the combination of the name and the atmosphere of an English Pub does not normally guarantee vegetarian food (except French fries), but I was positively surprised! Because Boyfriend was driving he ordered orange juice and I decided to go for the rose wine. I rarely drink wine, because I simply don’t like it. I’m usually having it with a meal – when I know that the taste will be masked by the flavour of the food and I had it only once in a club – I was already drunk and as most of the girls were ordering it I went with the crowd. Very. Bad. Decision. NEVER go with the flow when it comes to drinking. NEVER. I should know better! Anyway, I ate a wonderful cauliflower and cheese soup with a fresh baguette, followed by not-so-great Mediterranean pasta and AMAZING chocolate and vanilla ice-cream sundae. At this point I was so drunk (Boyfriend had a GOOD laugh out of me) and I still have no idea how I managed to actually find place in my body to store all this food! But next time I’m ordering starter soup OR main meal ONLY!

Discovering the Hummingbird Cupcackes

It was supposed to be snowing today in London. It didn't, but it is VERY cold. I was wearing my extra-warm gloves, long woolen scarf and a teddy hat which ended up in my bag, but I think it will see the world tomorrow. I was freezing, but I'm happy. I love pre-Christmas London - all the decorated shopping windows, festive atmosphere on the streets and random reminders of the gift-season.

That's what I want for Christmas!

Our plan was to go to the Spanish Bookshop so I can buy some books for studying, dinner and cinema. When we climbed the stairs on the Oxford Circus it appeared that whole Regents Street and Oxford Street are closed for shopping and some festive stuff.

OK, I'll also settle for this lot.

We managed to find some freebies like acid-green bag and I spent some time salivating in front of Liberty. The Manolos, Kiehl's cosmetics, scarves and lots and lots of little gems...

I've bought some books: Temas de derecho - Español en el ámbito jurídico, El cronómetro: Manuales depreparación DELE and Spanish Elle. Then we were looking for a place to eat from the TasteCard application on the phone (Boyfriend has a card so he gets various discounts), but after wandering around for like an hour we've given up and by accident decided to go to Byron. Luckily they do have vegetarian hamburgers so we didn't starve in the end! The PERFECT dessert was the Hummingbird Cupcake! I have no idea that next to the Oxford Street - is one of the most magical places with the BEST cupcakes in the world! Now I know when we're gonna desserts every time aka tomorrow.

Planners

I just got off the phone with Dom-dom. She is usually calling me when on a bus and coming back from work. We agreed that this weekend (the latest!) we simply HAVE TO find something and book it for the New Year's Eve. We're already afraid that every club in town may be booked and we don't want to end up in some borough's disco. There are so many other plans - what to do for Christmas, Boxing Day, Christmas dinners with friends... And as always we're both just talking and planning how wonderful it will be, but then actually doing nothing. No more. I know! I'll use IPad to plan all these big events! Boyfriend brought it yesterday from work - apparently he borrowed it aka took it for playing etc. as it belongs to his IT team. Fun!

We have party on Saturday, but I suspect that Dom-dom will be too tired from working and I'll make any excuse not to go there (it's in a remote place and far away from my pad and Boyfriend doesn't want to NOT drink and drive again). So we'll probably meet on Sunday for XFactor. Due to the constant lack of money and (her) hard-working and (my) shame of  unemployment we are like two 80-year old grandmothers - NOT twenty-something girls! I just hope that the New Year will bring a lot of a positive change!

Thing about the cinema

Today I'm not feeling very well, so since I came back from the WE I'm staying in bed and reading. I'm finishing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Then I want to read the last book in the series and finally go to the cinema and watch Deathly Hallows - Part 1. It's been such a long time when I was last watching a movie in the cinema. We used to go every week or sometimes twice a week - every time when there was something interesting. And now with all this money shortage we just stopped. I love going to the cinema - especially during the week and on weekend's mornings - when there is few people and quiet. There were few times when we actually were the only ones in the whole room! Boyfriend always buys something to drink and we sometimes share nachos or toffee popcorn - but most of the times I prefer nothing, because if only we have time - we're going for eat-fest and drink-fest to some nice restaurants. I have a feeling this weekend we may finally go out and watch something! I certainly hope so! 

Weekend is over

Another lazy weekend behind me. I HAVE TO do something constructive next week. No more sitting, eating and just turning from one side to the other on the bed all day! I need to DO something!

I'm going to the WE office every day and sometimes it's fun and great and sometimes I'm just nervous and not completely sure what to do. On Friday I had to make like 20 calls to chase some insurers to find out if they've received out letter of claim. Today I wrote a long and strong letter of complaint to the "Immigration Specialists" who only took the money from a nice lady and used the fact that she doesn't speak English. She's working in a supermarket and living here with her 6 year old daughter and her Ukrainian boyfriend for whom she's sponsoring the visa. He is not working 1 year, because he can't legally work and won't do something illegal to jeopardise his chances of actually getting a visa. They started the application process over a year ago, paid like £920 (at least it was only HALF of the fee) and they are in the same point. That stupid firm completely ignored them. She went to a different one and the application is proceeding. She is still not in the worst position - some people paid £3000 and NOTHING was done! This is simply outrageous!

I've finally plucked my courage and filed some job applications today. But I'm seeing everything in the dark colours - I've sent them, but there's nothing for me and I know that no one will call. I also had an emotional talk with my parents during weekend - every time it is so exhausting and depressing that I'm left feeling low thorough the day. (And that is also one of the reasons why I'm keeping everything low on weekends.)

I'm thinking what would be the best way for me to revise Spanish. I need to sit on my ass and just read something and study. But I was also thinking about going to Mexico or Spain - maybe for some voluntary work to do. I'd need 3-6 months to really RECALL all my vocabulary and grammar. Then I would pass advanced certificates easily. I'm not even thinking of going there to do some PROPER job although I may look for it. But let's be realistic. No one wants me in London - who would want me over there? 

First day at the WE Office

OK, so I finally went to the office today I did some work. Unfortunately I won't be paid, but at least I will get some experience to put on my CV! And the owner of the company aka director is really friendly so I'll have no problems with agreeing with him. There are also two nice girls women and I have no problems talking to them. All in all, it's good for now. Also, I'm free whenever I'll have any interview which is great because gives me hopefully much needed flexibility. 

Today I had to make a couple of calls - in Polish and English! I have no idea which ones were more stressful, but I think those in Polish. I have completely no idea how to deal in Polish on a professional manner - I would never be able to write a formal letter in Polish when in English it is like my second nature. 

The office deals with personal injury claims, car accidents and some bookkeeping and accountancy. It also helps people who don't know English and confirms my biggest fears - that actually for a foreigner it is possible to live in the UK for 10 years without knowledge of the English language! For me it is very sad - I think that one of the reasons you want to emigrate to another country is to learn about the culture, embrace some experiences and get to know the real people. I admit that in London it is hard to find and befriend real English man and women because of the all diversity, but it's not impossible! I honestly pity people who just come here and set their own boundaries to only keep close with each other. We only live once!

Another day in suspense

I didn't sleep well this night. I kept waking up hour after hour and finally woken up an hour too early only to realise I still can get some sleep. Of course I didn't. If I am fully awake that's it for me and I can only go back to sleep during the day if (1) I have terrible hangover or (2) I have a fever.

On 7.15am I've checked my BlackBerry only to find a couple of random e-mails and a message on Facebook. On 7.45am I've left fully dressed up and with nervous stomach ache - ready to go. On 7.59am I've checked my BlackBerry again and there was a message from the guy telling me that today it won't work out, because someone is not coming to the office and if I can go there tomorrow at 9am. Fortunately I haven't been very far so I've just hopped off the bus and went back home. So here it goes - another sleep-deprived night and more nerves on the way!

Today outside is the perfect fog. Honestly, I haven't seen anything like that for a long, long time. And today it's different, because it actually stayed! Usually it just disappears and around 10am it is just a mere memory, but right now I think it grows even stronger and stronger. You can't actually see very far! It's also cold, cold, cold. It's good that I've found my warm woollen scarf and gloves yesterday!

From bad to not-so-bad

And so one hour ago I've found out that the guy I was supposed to have interview and talk about my work experience with, wasn't in the office today. After all the hopes and nerves, the disgusting mint tea in Starbucks and the horrible journey in the bus... Some may say c'est la vie, I can only cry. I don't even count on this job now. In all my stupidity I was so naive to think that he may actually offer me a position and even tell me to stay today to start ASAP. How stupid can I be?!

I don't have money to go to Poland for Christmas. Plane tickets cost around £500 and I just can't afford that. Boyfriend may repair his car and we may go then. That's the only hope. Otherwise it is just too expensive. 

And now I just have to clench my teeth and literally force myself to visit all the job websites. I honestly don't know how long I'll be able to do it. I have no motivation to actually wake up in the morning, get dressed and... do what? Nothing.

I'd like to do so many things: go to the oil painting course, Spanish and French courses, finally join the gym or enroll to the morning boot camp, go horse riding (I miss it so, so much)... And without money it's all impossible. 

Edit 1.00pm: I decided to keep the chin up, go to the store for some dinner, then study some Spanish and Marine Insurance. I'll call the guy around 4pm and ask what's going on. I also have some ironing to do - which I like - it makes me calm plus my pedantic nature really loves the fact that the creased clothes are changed into something smooth and pretty.   

Edit 5.06pm: Of course no-one from that office called me. I finally gathered the courage and tried to call that guy - he didn't answer the phone; I tried the office - no-one is picking up. At that point I was a little bit mad and just called him again. He picked up and told me that there was no misunderstanding as such and the secretary should have known about me! I'm going there tomorrow 9am for a couple of hours to try.

My options

Tomorrow I'm going for an interview to a Polish agency, which helps other Poles to acclimatise here in the UK. AW gave me details to call the owner and telling me that her friend gained work experience there. She wasn't paid except some money for lunch and travel. I talked to the guy on Thursday and it sounds promising - he asked me if I'm available part-time or full-time and if I am working at the moment. I told him that I'll take anything and I really want to gain some work experience. Even if I'd work there for a month - would be great - maybe in January something will come up for me.

But on the other hand I could go home to Poland, study Spanish for like a month, come back and pass language certificate. Then it would be so much easier for me to get an AA job. Or maybe not? Maybe better to stay here and study in my free-time and just get some work experience? I don't know what to do and everything depends on what I'll agree on tomorrow. And if it'll even work out. 

To confuse me even more, another option I have - thanks to the AW's advice - is that I can volunteer in a charity shop for a month or two. I was already planning to go to the Cancer Research near Baker Street and ask if they'd need me even for a couple hours a week. Apparently that's how AW and her husband started their CV careers! It's a very good advice and I was considering it, but I've put this on hold - I'm waiting what will come out from the tomorrow's interview. 

One thing I am sure of is that I want to volunteer at the British Museum. I just need to finally go there and ask about all the information. From what I read on the website anyone can become a volunteer if can commit to one or half day for six months. Plus, they're giving full training! Boyfriend wanted to volunteer at Science Museum but their expectations are so high that it is impossible.

Remember, remember; the Fifth of November

"Remember, remember
The Fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot
We see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot..." 

2010 marks the 405th anniversary of Guy Fawkes. It's no wonder British children can recall the rhyme; every year there are massive celebrations to commemorate the failure of the 1605 Gunpowder Plot. Four hundred and five years ago, Catholic conspirator Guy Fawkes and his gang of accomplices attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament and King James I along with it. The group were executed for treason but they are remembered every year as children the length and breadth of the country make effigies of the infamous traitor to burn on large bonfires. This uniquely British commemoration of our past also sees thousands of fireworks being blasted into the sky in imitation of the plot's explosive failure.

It all sounds a bit gruesome but these days it's all in the name of fun. Across London there are scores of municipal displays as well as thousands of private parties. Residents regard their local displays as a source of pride and huge crowds gather to "ooh" and "aah" as thousands of pounds worth of pyrotechnics are sent up in smoke. Not only is Bonfire Night a spectacular occasion - fun for kids, with a bit of community spirit - but it gives you a chance to get outside, grab a piping hot snack and a glass of mulled wine and gaze into the skies with the rest of London.

Today Lord Mayor of London gives a spectacular show of the fireworks just above the Thames - next to the Big Ben and London Eye. Unfortunately I am not feeling very well and we decided not to go in the end. We're gonna watch some XFactor in the evening and I'm planning a indulge myself in huge belgian waffle with banana, whipped cream and maple syrup! Yum-yum!

Sex and the City

Third day in a row I'm watching SATC. All seasons from the beginning. I just love it. LOVE IT! It is amazing how much Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha taught me! And it's amazing how you can get attach to them and treat them as your own friends. They are so open and simply fun whilst at the same time they deal with some serious problems. AM always claims that I remind her of Charlotte. And it is kinda true. I can really easily relate to her - style (OK, maybe when we talk fashion I'm a hybrid between Charlotte and Carrie), innocence and quirkiness.  

Sometimes I still dream about living in New York, moving my girlfriends over there and having a fab Manolos collection. We always want what we can't have. I know I should be more grateful - I live in London, have great  friends and wardrobe which doesn't want to close full of not-so-labeled clothes. And I am grateful. It's just sometimes I'd like to be as free as they are and careless. And to talk about sex without any inhibitions...

I was talking to KO for 2.5 hours on Skype today. If Boyfriend had known that he would be very sad. I know that he is so jealous of him that even a mere mention of his name gives him creeps. But I'm sorry - I want KO to be part of my life and nothing and no-one can change that. I've had a MAJOR crush on him and I still have it. I know that sometimes it may be playing with fire, but that's what makes the life more interesting, doesn't it?

At least I am not cheating like AB. She told everyone on Facebook* what a fabulous time she had in Turkey with her girlfriends (I was sure at that point that she went there with her sister) and it turns out that she went there with a guy she met in a club. She met him exactly one week after her boyfriend (for 6 years) went to Germany for 1 year to work there as an IT consultant. And apparently AB and her boyfriend are still together! She has one hot guy here in London and the other husband-type in Germany. I still don't get that. Personally, the guilt would have eaten me alive. And the weirdest thing is that she wanted her boyfriend to go away so she could have fun - and all she did was to SETTLE for the first guy she's met! Where's the fun in that?! Work hard, play hard, cheat hard!

* The most depressing thing was that her actual boyfriend LIKED her status. Poor thing doesn't know what a bitch she is!

Polish Independence Day

Today in Poland is National Independence Day. It is a public holiday celebrated every year on 11 November to commemorate the anniversary of Poland's assumption of independent statehood in 1918 after 123 years of partitions by Austria-Hungary, Prussia, and Russia.

When you think about all of the November is somehow remembrance of those who passed away. Maybe it has something to do with the weather and autumn which makes this month so nostalgic.

Today's weather in London is appalling. The wind and rain make it almost impossible to venture outside unless you have to go to work. Boyfriend already told me that he has never seen so many broken umbrellas on his way to work. It's a pity because I wanted to visit nearby cemetery and light a candle on the grave of some nameless soldier.

.

My relationship with Mother was always difficult. I was born when she was almost 40 and the difference between generations didn't help us at all. Of course she claims that such thing does not even exist, but I know better. There is a lot of bitterness between us and neither of us makes an effort to overcome this. I made so many efforts that now I've just given up and I simply don't tell her what's going on in my life. Except with work. I don't have work, I don't have interviews and I don't have any prospects at the moment. 

She makes me feel bad, very, very bad. Makes me feel like a failure - because what can she say to her friends, neighbours and our family - that I'm still looking?! Since July?! How come - I MUST be doing something wrong - I've been at great schools, have fantastic degree - how the hell I STILL don't have a job?! She blames me for it even though I do everything I can to change the situation. Sometimes I catch myself at being exactly the same person when I was when I was 17 - listening to her and always doing exactly what she says. Or she would have her tantrum, scream and even hit me. That's why I decided to leave home and come to a foreign country to study. I escaped. I knew that I couldn't deal with the situation any longer or I would end up in a psychiatric unit. 

I hate the fact that every week when I log on Skype my heart is racing fast, I have nervous stomach pain and want to vomit - I'm scared of in what mood she's going to be today and depending on THAT how the conversation will go. I know for sure that I can NEVER be honest with her - I've been before and she has used this against me countless times.It pains me that she blames me for everything... I can never have a normal discussion with her, because she thinks she is always right and all of my achievements in her opinion are only thanks to her. 

I needed to get it out of my system. I've just finished to talk to her on Skype and it was a first decent conversation we had since 2 weeks ago I told her firmly that I don't want to talk about job thing and she went ballistic. When I listen to Madonna's "Miles Away" I always think about her and Father. 

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud

Visiting AW

AW is 22 weeks pregnant. She is having a boy and has due date on 8 March 2011. It's actually scary to see her so grown-up and mother-to-be. I mean - she is my first and (at least for now) only true and real grown-up girlfriend with husband, nice flat, mortgage and living outside London in Kent - better schools, less city noise and more family-oriented neighbourhood. 

One of the reasons I see her so rarely is the fact that she lives so far away! When Dom-dom was living in South London I still managed to see her in her flat and party with her in Clapham - but I was always (not so) swift tube ride away to get home. On the other hand, to get to AW's place I need to board a train. I have never been on a train in the UK before. I love journeys in a train - because when I was growing up Mother decided not to have a car the fastest way to get to grandparents was to hop on a train. I like it - from the fastest and most fabulous TGV in France to stinky 12-hours journeys in Poland - me like it! 

The reality hit me when I had to stand and wait at King's Cross Station for like 25 minutes for a train. I forgot how long you have to WAIT if you're not getting a tube or hop in a car. Then, of course went on the wrong platform so I had to backtrack... I was sitting next to an old (and very stylish) lady who was getting off on the same station as I did. During the 30-minutes journey I was looking outside the window all the time when she was putting some make-up and retouching what she had put on. She was simply a very nice old lady. And I've finally saw Big Ben and London Eye from the train - after so many walks on the bridges and seeing people on the trains I've finally got my own experience. Of course AW would laugh at me right now considering she had to take this train every day to get to work. 

I honestly still can't believe that AW is pregnant. OK, even SHE still can't believe it! I still remember our long talks that kids are... hmm... disgusting and ugly. Well, yes - they are! Then she told me that she has woken up one day and suddenly she felt an urge to have a kid. Just like that - you don't know when it can hit you! It's actually scary!!! She showed me the scan pictures and I've actually FELT his kicks! That was soooo weird! Plus, she told me LOTS of inside info reserved only for pregnant women. Apparently even a midwife in a hospital told her NOT to tell any childless girlfriends about it, because it may put them off from having a baby. We both condemned such behaviour! AW told me that there were numerous occasions when she was panicking for nothing, because no-one told her that something may happen and it's completely natural. That's why I'm glad she's having this baby boy - she is my guinea pig!

She also helped me to be more positive about all this job thing. She's going to Poland for 10 days, but when she'll come back we'll go through my CV together and maybe figure something out. Still, AB said that now it's the end of the year so firms are not recruiting people - they're waiting for the New Year. Hopefully, it will get easier in January...

Trying to stay positive

I try to stay positive and think about the future in bright colours. But it proves much harder than I thought it could be. For the past week I've alienated myself and stopped talking to almost anyone. It's getting better each day and I hope it'll continue to do so. I really hope, because I have no idea how long I can exist like this. I say exist because it is existence - nothing to plan, nothing to do, nothing to wake up and get up in the morning for. This is the hardest part of all. To have something when you have nothing. But I made progress today by actually logging to the find-a-job websites and sending some applications. It is not good out there - very little advertisements, but I had to do something.

AM sent me Facebook message today. She has a hard, hard time adjusting to live in her country again. I seriously don't blame her. If someone would take away my freedom and normal habits I would be devastated. I can see that she is even more depressed than I am. I wish I could make her laugh and simply hug her and tell her everything's gonna be alright, but I know just as she does that it won't get better soon. She misses everything and everyone, literally everything. I feel so bad even though I can't do anything. And I feel bad, because my problems seem less significant than hers. And that I didn't write to her because I was ashamed that I failed on the last interview. I hope she'll come and visit soon. I know it'll get easier for her with time, but all the time she'll think about those amazing things she could be doing Here instead of There. I'm planning a little surprise for her - I've just send her sister a message to get AM's home address and I'll send her some magazines (Vogue!!!) and treats from London!

All Saints' Day

Today is All Saints' Day. Here in the UK it is not celebrated as it is in Poland. In Poland it is a proper holiday - you don't go to work, almost all shops are closed (except petrol stations but you can hardly buy a decent bread over there) and there are two places you must visit: church and cemetery. Ever since my grandmothers and grandfathers died, I look at this day differently. Before I was carefree and careless going to the local cemetery with Mother and lighting a candles on the graves of her friends and cousins. Sometimes we went to the Mother's birth place to visit an uncle and light some candles in the cemetery where Mother's family is buried - grandparents and cousins she has never met, because they were executed by the Nazis. But now for me this day is sad and I am no longer carefree. I remember my grandparents, all the fun memories and even those bad ones. And I wish I'd known them better and could talk to them just this once. It is a day when you pause for the minute and think about your existence and about loved ones, who are no longer here.

Because here in the UK this is a normal day, Boyfriend went to work and the only replacement of the tradition was that yesterday we went to visit a local cemetery. I was very surprised, because it is very neglected. It is still a beautiful place - full of mossed graves (people buried there are from the beginnings of XX century), mixture of autumn yellow and red leaves and two (!) old churches in the middle. In Poland, because this day and tomorrow (when people remember those who died) is a celebrated tradition the cemeteries are kept (or are trying to be kept) in a well state. Everyone is cleaning the graves and there are often collections and fund-rising events for the looking after the cemeteries. I still remember that in the school we were going to different cemetery each year and trying to tidy up some of the worst neglected graves at this time of year. I've checked on-line and the cemetery we went to yesterday actually has a fund for such activities, but apparently there is a lack of hands and people's free time to put it into a good use. It's a shame, because some of the buried there are RAF and Marine soldiers who died in the First and Second World War. I wish people remember those, who died, so we can now have our freedom.