Sunday, 7 November 2010


My relationship with Mother was always difficult. I was born when she was almost 40 and the difference between generations didn't help us at all. Of course she claims that such thing does not even exist, but I know better. There is a lot of bitterness between us and neither of us makes an effort to overcome this. I made so many efforts that now I've just given up and I simply don't tell her what's going on in my life. Except with work. I don't have work, I don't have interviews and I don't have any prospects at the moment. 

She makes me feel bad, very, very bad. Makes me feel like a failure - because what can she say to her friends, neighbours and our family - that I'm still looking?! Since July?! How come - I MUST be doing something wrong - I've been at great schools, have fantastic degree - how the hell I STILL don't have a job?! She blames me for it even though I do everything I can to change the situation. Sometimes I catch myself at being exactly the same person when I was when I was 17 - listening to her and always doing exactly what she says. Or she would have her tantrum, scream and even hit me. That's why I decided to leave home and come to a foreign country to study. I escaped. I knew that I couldn't deal with the situation any longer or I would end up in a psychiatric unit. 

I hate the fact that every week when I log on Skype my heart is racing fast, I have nervous stomach pain and want to vomit - I'm scared of in what mood she's going to be today and depending on THAT how the conversation will go. I know for sure that I can NEVER be honest with her - I've been before and she has used this against me countless times.It pains me that she blames me for everything... I can never have a normal discussion with her, because she thinks she is always right and all of my achievements in her opinion are only thanks to her. 

I needed to get it out of my system. I've just finished to talk to her on Skype and it was a first decent conversation we had since 2 weeks ago I told her firmly that I don't want to talk about job thing and she went ballistic. When I listen to Madonna's "Miles Away" I always think about her and Father. 

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud

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