Motivation is what gets you started, Habit is what keeps you going

My 6 weeks challenge began today! I am so excited and cannot believe that I am actually going to do it! I went to the gym, I've done some working out - just taking it easy. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to go to the Step class and later do some work alone. I even managed to survive cross-trainer - my most dreaded torture machine EVER.

It was a busy day. In the morning I went to the work experience office and I've written some letters. Later, I went to collect a parcel from my aunt (of course Post Office only delivered delivery notice) and then to the gym! I am happy, I am full of energy. 

I am gathering my strength, because tomorrow at 10am I am talking to the psychiatrist, who will decide what kind of treatment I need. I am a little bit nervous and scared that I'll by crying throughout the conversation. I try not to think about it, so I won't waste my energy on being scared.

Swans and King's Speech

King's Speech is one of the major contenders for Oscars this year. It has 12 nominations including for Best Picture, Best Actor (Colin Firth) and Best Supporting Actress (Helena Bonham Carter). I truly hope that it will win most of them and certainly one for Mr Firth and my personal favourite - Miss Carter. The movie is great! Amazing thing is that it does not have any special effects or over-the-top Hollywood style. It's simple, rather raw. I love the fact that the camera concentrates on the close-ups (thankfully, no Botox in sight!) but you can see a blurred background.

On the way to the cinema we decided to make a quick walk in the Reservoir. Boyfriend had his dangerous encounter with the swans, who were very unhappy about the fact that we didn't bring them any food (we always forget about it). All of a sudden he was encircled with the swans, which started to hiss and put their beaks to his pockets. I only took a couple of photos with my BlackBerry, because we forgot to put a card into my camera, but this will be certainly something to remember! Maybe it's good that we didn't see Black Swan today - Boyfriend could have nightmares!

Day full of art

Today we finally went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. The movie was GREAT! Honestly, I was preparing for the worst, because I'm not a fan of the Harry Potter movies - I believe that the books are so much better. Of course, it was the same in this case, but after hearing some horrible reviews and moaning of my friends how they wanted their ticket money back, I can only say that they're all wrong. The storyline is almost the same as in books (one of the most important things for me) and even though some plots are not shown, I secretly hope that they will put it into extended edition or in the DVD extras. It was scary, it was magical, it was emotional. I was growing up with these books and reading them on the planes, in New York, Poland and London, so maybe that's why they have a special place in my heart.

After the cinema we went to Wagamama, but I wasn't really in the mood for it, so I didn't eat much. Then we decided to go and see the exhibition I was DYING to see in a National Portrait Gallery. It's Isabella Blow by Noble and Webster. Isabella Blow was an English magazine editor and international style icon. She was the muse of the hat designer Philip Treacy, to whom she gave recognition and she has also discovered Alexander McQueen. So it's not a surprise that I was so disappointed. I was expecting her signature hats and dresses and all I got was this sculpture made of rats and crows, which - when underlit - shows Blow's profile.

That's all I got

This is the ONLY object in the tiny room, except a small board with Blow's life history. I was suspicious when I saw that the entry is free, but I would rather pay to see something special that this. To ease my pain we went to see three other exhibitions:  

From Where I Stand: Photographs by Mary McCartney (daughter of Paul McCartney)  - dsplay celebrates the publication of McCartney's first book, From Where I Stand, selected from her archive from the 1990s to the present and include photographs of Helen Mirren and Gwyneth Paltrow;

Ballet In Focus - collection of photographs and the richness and variety of dance on the British stage in the early decades of the twentieth century aka another disappointment;

Twentieth Century Portraits Photographs by Dmitri Kasterine - one of the most significant portrait photographers working in Britain from the late 1960s to the mid-1980s, the display presents a cross section of the most eminent cultural figures of the twentieth century like Samuel Beckett and Stanley Kubrick.

AB's birthday party

Last night we went for the AB's birthday party. When it was time to get ready I was not exactly in a party mood, because the club we were supposed to go to - Abacus - is in the City. This means that it could be in a middle of nowhere for me. Because the London tube does NOT work after 1am, the only options of how to get home that you have when you go clubbing is (1) take a night bus - not a good option when you are going alone, plus, you may still need to take a long walk as the bus routes are not that many; (2) take a cab/mini cab - very pricey option, not good if travelling alone, because you can't split the bill with others. I am still shocked by the fact that the public transport in London is so horrible. I know that they need to do maintenance of tracks and everything, but still - the lines are usually closed completely at weekends. I was voting for Boris Johnson, because he promised that the tube will be open on Friday and Saturday until 3am. Never trust a politician.

Anyway, I was not happy about Abacus choice, because this would mean that I would go for only 2 hours of clubbing! Besides the last tube our other option was changing 3 buses which would last around 1,5h. Not fun at all. And because recently in London it's freaking freezing, I was not keen on going outside. In the end, I gathered my strength and we went there. It was even worse than I expected, but hey - I knew it anyway - from the last time I've been there. I only had one Sex on the Beach and that was it for me. 

AB was freaking out, because Boyfriend came with me. I think she was secretly hoping that he wouldn't come - even though she sent him an invitation. The reason for her uneasiness was that the guy she is cheating her boyfriend with was also there! His every attempt of talking to the Boyfriend was quickly suppressed by AB and all the time she was telling me to keep them separated. I think that if she wouldn't be that drunk, she probably would have a heart attack. She will get caught eventually. I've done a little catching up with Dom-dom and AP too, but what we need is a proper girls' night out. 

Lady Gaga for Mugler

J'adore Lady Gaga. Ever since I've listened to Poker Face, Bad Romance and Alejendro I knew she was special. She is a true artist who dedicated her whole life to being one - a rare thing these days. The only disappointment for me was when she wore that meat dress. Since I am a true animal lover and animal rights fighter I could never agree on that. 

Last year I went to her concert. O M G. There are no words. She really connects with the audience and you have a feeling that she is talking and performing only for you. On 13 February 2011 she releases a new single Born This Way - from her upcoming album of the same title. I cannot wait! 

Nicola Formichetti who is Lady Gaga's personal stylist was involved in development of Thierry Mugler's new collection. As a sneak preview of her album, Lady Gaga's remix of Scheiße was played during the catwalk show.

6 weeks experiment

For a while I have been thinking about loosing some weight and shape-up in a serious way (not the usual I'll start on Monday crap). For a long time I've had a huge pile of Zest magazines on my bedside table and when I started to read them I've felt that I need to change myself, to get better and healthy. It's also one of my New Year Resolutions, so I had to at least attempt to do something.  

"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, 

you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." 

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

So to kick start my new healthier approach to life I need to do two things: go on a diet and start exercising. 

I do have problems with dieting - if I let it slip once - I'm done. However, if I want to and commit to something - I can do it. Last year I went on a 10-days detox when I drank only water mixed with honey and lemon (my own version of Lemon Detox Diet). Now I simply need to eat less and more healthy and stop eating all these sugary desserts and sweets. 

As for getting moving I've decided to join the gym for six weeks. I know that six weeks is VERY little, but I do not want to commit myself to buying a full membership. Firstly, I don't have that kind of money and the six weeks option is cheaper. Secondly, I've already was a gym member and I was so committed to exercise that I went there only a couple of times. So now - when I have only six weeks - I want to commit myself to these six weeks only. Maybe later I'll buy a full membership, maybe not. But for now, because I have time frame and I know when this will actually end - I have better motivation not to waste the money and use it! 

After two visits at the gym, where the incompetency of the customer manager forced me to write a letter of complaint, I simply couldn't buy this 6 weeks membership. They were so pushy and invasive that I just backed out and bought it on-line (thankfully, it was possible to do it on the website). I just can't wait to see their faces when they will give me my membership card on Monday! 

When you don't have strength anymore

Today I went to Kent to visit AW. She has only two or three pregnant pictures, so I took Boyfriend's camera (it's SO heavy) and I hopped on a train. I was little shaky in the morning, because of what happened yesterday, but I was determined not to bail out on AW and simply go there. Plus, what's the point in being completely alone all day - it would be much worse, with no distractions whatsoever. 

The Shard is going up

Time to hop off

She is huge! We made some pictures, we had some lunch and we talked, talked and talked. It was so good to tell her stuff and knew that she listens.

Me and AW are similar in terms of upbringing. We're both only children, so it's easier for her to understand me. Because when there are brothers and sisters, parents' bad energy is spread more-or-less evenly. On the other hand, when you're an only child, this energy concentrated on you. It's really true. I am so grateful that I can talk to her. She also struggled with her parents - just like I do. Then she slowly started to stop being afraid of what will happen when she won't do as she's told. This is exactly what aunt is telling me: "Stop being afraid of her! What can she do to you?!". And all I can remember is how I was punished when I behaved in a way that mother didn't want me to - even if it was a lesser grade. She was and she still uses emotional blackmail and I'm surrendering to it. 

Aunt talked to her doctor and he prescribed some herbal pills for me - a full-on 10 days treatment, so I can heal and calm my nerves. I know that I should talk to someone like psychiatrist, because I still can't sleep, I have nightmares and suicidal thoughts. I want someone to help me. I want someone to hear me. I just don't have the strength anymore to fight alone.

My nerves are shattered

In the end, my day ended in tears. But these were tears of stress and nerves. Mother called and she put me in such a state I had a full nervous attack - just like in the old days. She said nothing new - that I don't look for a job, I waste my time spending it with friends and that I should study Spanish, that she is disappointed and "let's be honest - you have nothing now, you don't have the job and I am horrified what's going to happen to you".

I am fed up. I am literally fed up. I didn't respond to one thing she was saying and when her tirade ended I simply said that I won't be talking to her or father until I have a job - even if it would be six months. I simply can't take it anymore. Instead of keeping my spirits up and saying positive things like "something will come up", she is always accusing ME - that it is my fault that I don't have a job. I'm just spinning in a circle and I can't get out. She never sees me as a person, she never listens to me and my needs, she shrugs it off like a dust.

Immediately after the phone call, I called my aunt. I couldn't breath, so only after a while I took some medicine to calm me down. Now I have strict instructions from my aunt that I am banned to talk to my parents. They simply don't understand that I am trying and that I simply can't get a job. Their attitude and things they say to me - in their eyes - for my benefit - have caused a serious problems. I don't know how to solve them alone.

AM came to London!

Today was CRAZY! In the morning I went to the work experience office, because they asked me yesterday and I've helped with some witness statement documents. I also had a nice chat with D. about horse riding. Oh, how much I miss it. The fact that I can't afford it makes me so sad, especially because horse riding is one of these things which really makes me happy no matter what.

Then, I travelled to Bond Street to meet AM!!! She came to London for her graduation, which was yesterday. It was AMAZING to see her - we had sushi and went to Selfridges to buy her mom a birthday present - Louis Vuitton bag. Apparently, LV does not sell two the same items to Asians. There was an Asian lady, who was buying a wallet and a bag and the shop assistant told her, that this combination is OK, but she is not allowed to buy two wallets or two bags at the same time - she has to come back next day! I was so surprised! It sounds like a discrimination and a breach of EU law - freedom of movement of goods (Articles 28-30), but then - China and Japan are not in the EU (obviously), so they can't do anything... Apparently, the same restrictions are in the Parisian LV stores and there are people who are willing to pay a white person to do extra shopping for them. This reminds me when Jimmy Choo for H&M collection hit the stores and I was queuing with AB for 5 hours to get the bag and shoes. The girl outside the queue asked AB to get her shoes and she even wanted to pay, but AB simply said: karma.

Anyway, I had a long and  nice chat with AM. She assured me that everything's going to be fine and I just have to keep trying. She is miserable back home and was so depressed she couldn't even eat the food. She simply started crying every time her mom put a plate in front of her. I am so glad I've spent half day with her! We both had tears in our eyes when we said goodbye, but it is for now. And she will visit more often.

Nothing much

The weekend was lazy and I can only sum it up as "the usual". Nothing exciting. Today I went to the work experience office. I like going there, I like sitting in the office with D. and our gossiping about everything, I like the clients and their stories and I like the fact that when I'm there I feel needed and I can help. 

I have to start my Spanish intensive course. I've been putting it back - no motivation, laziness - it's all me, I know. I need to prepare and then really enroll on the course. DELE exams are in May, August and November and I would like to pass at least Intermediate this year. It is possible. It's even possible for me to pass level Superior, but I want to take it easy and within moderation, so this won't overwhelm me.

On the job front - nothing. I've sent some applications today, but more for the sake of sending it rather than anything else. I'm really, really worried. AW told me that at the end of the month is the firms will know their budget (after filing tax forms), so probably it'll get better. I don't want to think about it.

Gleek!

Nothing really happened since my short escapade to AW except I watched an enormous amount of Glee episodes and I love it! So that makes me an official GLEEK! I better get a badge or something. I wasn't so convinced about this show at the beginning, because I'm not a fan of musicals, but Glee is much more than that!

The show was created by Ryan Murphy, who was also behind one of my all time favourite TV series - Popular. There were only two seasons of Popular, but I remember how I watched it religiously every Saturday evening. Even though I already had a computer then (with 512 MB hard-disk = SCORE!), I didn't even dream of  something called Internet, so imagine my anticipation for every episode! Of course now I watch it on-line or... erm... I find different means to do it.

I like Glee, because it covers difficult areas like being an outcast, sexual orientation, bullying and disability. I also like the fact that they use contemporary songs - but I bet that in 10-15 years my children will give my pity looks when I will turn Glee on.

I am also getting better in styling my hair! Now, because it is much shorter, I can easily and more quickly operate all the machinery. So far I tried my Braun Satinstyler for waves/curls and BaByliss You Curl for the bohemian waves. It works, but I think I need to invest in better hairspray and keep checking not to switch the styler off. After watching some inspiration video tutorials on YouTube I'm thinking about BaByliss Glamour Waves Curling Tong - PERFECT for creating these large loose waves, because it has 38mm barrel. When I complained that I can never achieve this look, the hairdresser suggested getting a perm on a huge rollers, but I'm pretty scared I'll damage my healthy hair, so it's a no for me. 

Stylish Blogger Award

The Queen of Whatever awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award - thank you Queen!
If you haven't checked out her blog please do - she lives a crafty royal lifestyle.

Thank you Queen!

Now I am supposed to reveal 7 mysterious facts about myself:

• I still have my teddy bear (it's actually a little dog with "HUG ME" written on his belly) which I got when I was three and sometimes when I'm lonely or sad I sleep with him;
• I always sing and dance in the shower;
• I don't know how to ski - even though all my friends tell me that I'll learn fast and will love it, I have a horrible suspicion that it's going to be just like Bridget Jones moment when she went skiing;
• because Boyfriend is colour-blind I was able to convince him that the dust is RED and everyone was lying to him all his life - however I only managed to live with this lie for 5 minutes;
• I don't like jokes or stand-up comedy - I never get it and usually I'm rolling my eyes and just saying "let's get it over with";
• I can only go to the tanning places where you stand, because those where you lie down remind me of coffin;
• there was no car in my household since I was 3 years old, so I had to walk everywhere and use public transport - nearest bus stop was 11 minutes away.

And nominate fellow Bloggers:

• Klarka Mrozek - recently a collection of her blog posts was published into a book!
• What Katie Found - super-stylish crafts!
• Amanda and Don - great wife with not one, but two Great Danes!

Visiting AW

Today I went to Kent to visit VERY pregnant AW - she only has 7 weeks left! Showing off my new hair I've finally dusted my curler and actually used it. I love having wavy hair and I didn't even complain (as always) that despite spraying on at least half bottle of the hairspray they still uncurled. The weather in London was fantastic - you know, one of these sunny mornings with blue sky and even though it is colder than a couple of last days, I prefer sun over rain - even though you need to wear gloves and scarf. 

This time on Charing Cross I managed to get on the right platform and off I went. 

I bet you recognize it

When I get there, at the station I first saw a huge bump and then AW herself. It is so scary funny how she looks. But I can see that she's already had enough - even though her due date is March 11. She has nesting syndrome which forced her to re-paint baby's room 3 times already. They still don't know the name and my offer of ME choosing one for them was declined. I wonder why? I'm visiting her next week, because she has so few pregnancy photos that we're going to make some photo session. She managed to squeezed me in between hospital visits, pregnancy classes and hairdresser.

Even though she's tired as hell, has terrible deficiency in beauty and make-up products (she had to throw all of her lipsticks and lipglosses away because she couldn't stand the smell!) and pregnancy diabetes (she says that she had all of the pregnancy "things" except two) I can see she's so happy. Both of them are - I saw 3D photos of little Lord W and saw him tongue sticking out and covering his eyes with his hands (apparently 3D photo machine was blinding him with the light and he did not approve) - and this photo is the wallpaper on both AW's and her hubby's mobiles. My first reaction was to laugh, but then I thought - how cute is that? 

On a different note it is actually AMAZING what a modern technology can do. Forget about times when people knew the sex of the baby when it was coming out - now we can see  baby  throughout the pregnancy, know the sex, and even check when it ate lunch, because apparently you can see his stomach being full on the scan!

Brand new hair

OMG I just came back from the hairdresser and I have a brand new HAIRCUT! 

{pause}

The pause above was for swishing and swooshing my new hair! My head feels so light and shiny! After all he did cut around 10cm of my precious long hair! I'm a little bit sad, but I know it will grow back and now I don't have to struggle with it when washing. The haircut is not ideal, but I'll worry about it tomorrow when there's gonna be my turn to style it. I know I am paranoid about going to the hairdresser, the subject I covered a little bit here.

So I just can't believe I actually went there today! After Friday fiasco (I had an appointment but stylist bailed on me) I was uneasy about coming back. But I'm glad I did and I'm glad it's over. 

I can't believe how short is my hair! {shriek} OK, it's just shoulder-length, but that's short for me! Everyone is going to DIE - no one knows I went today - even Boyfriend! 

Swoosh!

What happened to my foot?

Another sleepless night... I don't know what's going on but circa 3.30am I'm waking up. Today it wasn't the nightmare, it was my left foot. During sleeping I felt a terrible pain - a ripping nerve underneath my ankle. I thought I was dreaming it, but then I wake up and sit up straight when the attack came. I was crying for 2 hours when the attacks came and went. I took some pills and something to calm me down - I was so shaken up, I couldn't even swallow the pills - this never happens to me - since I was a little child I was always able to swallow the tablets. I've finally went to sleep past 5am and I am still tired. I have no idea what caused it - it may be lack of iron, potassium or simply because my foot was in a bad position during my sleep. 

I am still freaked out. And angry, because it's another reason to my list of "I'm afraid to go to sleep, because something bad will happen". I don't remember when was the last time I slept peacefully a whole night! 

Thankfully, my foot is OK in the morning and I'm going to buy some fresh salads and spinach. I also need to take vitamins regularly. I know I've been kinda slacking off with healthy diet lately, but it was honestly only this weekend. Usually I try to keep the balance.

La panthère ose - Paris Vogue

Another editorial from the issue of Paris Vogue I was writing about in this post features Crystal Renn, who is photographed by Tom Ford. Crystal Renn is famous for being the "fat" model, who was breaking the taboos of the modeling world and actually walked on the catwalk being UK size 14. Yet every time I see her she is thinner and thinner (simultaneously blaming it on Photoshop) - her weight simply changes as fast as the London weather. 

Here, she plays the cougar recovering after series of plastic surgeries. I like how it mocks all these artificially enhanced stars, who claim to have their perfect looks thanks to good genes, diet and exercises (for example Nicole Kidman denying Botox)!

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Yesterday we ventured to the outside world - finally - after all the illnesses, fevers and bad cough. I was so happy! We went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I am a MAJOR fan of the books. I got them as a Christmas present from my uncle when I was six years old. I was reading them all the time throughout the years and I love them! The books are pure magic. I am fortunate to have them in two big hardcover editions, which are sturdy and full of the coloured original illustrations. I remember that there was a time when I was reading all stories so often, that I've known them by heart. My personal favourite is The Horse and His Boy, which I have also in English, French and I also recently purchased one copy in Spanish - I am mad! But I know the story by heart, I know all the sentences and it's a good way to learn a language - to read something you know so well - only in a "slightly" different manner. 

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader - the movie - was of course made in a Hollywood style. There were some over the top scenes, but in the end - I liked it. Of course, as a usual practice, they've altered the storyline and bended it for better filming, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I was really impressed by the fact that they've managed to actually insert a meaning into a movie - we can see the internal struggles of the characters and how they are giving in or how they are trying to fight with them. I was surprised by it, because the book differs in that respect - it's more about the journey, while the movie is about different journey - the one which takes you to the darkest places of your own mind and soul. So, now I am very interested in watching Black Swan.

Today I wanted to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (I am SO behind), but because Boyfriend has (so far) a mild attack of the kidney stones, we've stayed inside. I also wanted to see two exhibitions in the National Gallery, but this also had to be postponed for the next weekend.

Cadeaux - Paris Vogue

One of the very few luxuries which I am treating myself these days is purchase of the Paris Vogue almost every month. The last edition was a double-issue December 2010/January 2011 under the direction of the famous fashion designer Tom Ford under the supervision of the editor-in-chief Carine Roitfeld. It is one of the Roitfeld's last issues, because on 17 December 2010 she has announced her resignation and will leave the magazine at the end of January 2011 to be replaced by Emmanuelle Alt. Right now, I just can't imagine Paris Vogue without her. Time will show if Alt will continue Roitfeld's vision of breaking the taboos and showing grey areas - showing the unspeakable. 

Of course under Roitfeld's reign Paris Vogue was controversial. She has put painted in black Lara Stone on the cover - for which she was criticized - that she doesn't give black models a chance. She still managed to actually PUT models on the front cover - not like Anna Wintour who prefers actresses. Also, despite recession Roitfeld still kept the magazine going - it is full-on magazine - not like a shrank version of US Vogue, which literally has 20 pages. I still have old US Vogue magazines - especially the September 2008 edition (surprisingly, right before the Lehman brothers collapse...) with Keira Knightley on the cover. The magazine is HUGE. I remember telling my dad to buy me one copy when he was flying to Poland from New York and he complained that it is heavier than a book! And now look at it! It's not even worth to buy it - such a shame!

I the Dec/Jan issue of the Paris Vogue are three controversial editorials. Especially "Cadeaux". There has been a lot of discussion on this editorial - some on the forums, some on the blogs and some on my Facebook. One of my friends attached a link with the pictures and condemned a whole thing saying that it is a "treat for paedophiles", asking "what is wrong with this world" and concluding "fashion is bad, because it treats little girls like objects". There were of course others who totally agree with her and when me and the other girl tried to present our point of view we were almost branded "paedophiles in disguise". This really got under my skin. To start with, I don't think that any paedophile will buy a Paris Vogue. Second of all, the magazine is about FASHION and it is controversial - as it is supposed to be. Another thing is that there are A LOT of children, who are not much older than these girls, who are putting their nude or almost-nude pictures on all kinds of websites with no parent or adult stopping them. Personally, I think that the editorial is great, of course the girls are made into adult women, but to me, it's not a big deal. They have make-up and they've been Photoshopped - who isn't in the fashion magazine these days? Besides, the whole subject is Cadeaux - what the pictures don't show is that all photos are attached to a particular theme of gifts. 

The photo on the right is from the different editorial which asks 

what make-up to put when you're 13 and 70.

 

Which little girl didn't dress up in her mother's clothes, high heels 

and put the make-up on? 

To me, these editorial portrays exactly that - 

- only in the very expensive clothes and professional make-up.

Jersey Shore thing

OK, so I'm watching Jersey Shore and now I miss summer, wearing simple summer clothes - dresses, t-shirts, shorts - NOT layers of clothes. And I'm still repelled by drinking straight vodka. Dom-dom's birthday party last year was too much for me. I will never forget when at one point I was given an ultimatum - get up from the floor (where I was having convulsions) and go to bed OR go to the hospital for lavage of the stomach. Given this ultimatum I swiftly collected myself and went to bed - for a very long beauty sleep. 

It's not a mystery that I am a suck up for TV shows - I watch vast number of them. To be honest most of my closest friends don't have any idea how addicted I am. Now - when I'm not working, I've even made a little digital Post-It on the laptop's wallpaper to keep track what is when. I know - there's something wrong with me (and I have lots of free time). The third season of Jersey Shore started two weeks ago and there already has been a cat fight. Meow!

Jersey Shore is one of my guilty pleasures. When I watched first few episodes I was AMAZED how stupid and ignorant people can be. And at the same time - how entertaining. I keep my lips sealed about this one, because when people can excuse me for watching Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives or even 90210, they are not forgiving about the Jersey Shore. Maybe it's because they think they're better than Snooki and the gang? Oh, and I do like Snooki and JWoww, even if sometimes they act really stupid. I have soft spot for Snooki especially, because she is the same height as me - I know - I'm pint-size! The one thing about the Jersey Shore I don't get is The Situation (who nicknames himself "The Situation" anyway?!) - come on - he is SO ugly it's beyond words! OK, he has a fab six-pack but on the daily basis I wouldn't manage to constantly look on his face and this horrific haircut!

The Worst Nightmare

Today I went to help D. with her UCAS application. I basically completely rewritten her entire personal statement. Oh, how I hate these things! Writing crap about yourself which someone barely reads and it's just a formality.

AB is not feeling very good. She has her birthday bash on the 28th - and she had to postpone it because her grandmother is in a hospital. She feels guilty, because she's not back home with her family, so I tried to comfort her. What could she do anyway? My high school friend, K., who lives in London too recently posted that he's going on an emergency trip back home - his grandfather ended up in a hospital. Just when I read that he came back to London for 3 days, he updated his status with RIP and that he's going back on the same day.

On a more positive note, on Tuesday I'm going to Kent to visit AW. She is huge and can't move, so we're not meeting in London. Besides, I'm happy, because it's going to be good for me - going away from this shit-hole - even if for a couple of hours.

I also had The Most Horrible Nightmare EVER. Until this day I always thought that dreaming about my mother in her wedding dress in a coffin when I was circa 13 was the worst thing. This night changed it all. I have never felt my heart beating so fast when I woke-up. Even after running. I don't want to think about it, but it comes like a punch to a face when I close my eyes. I still have a major trouble sleeping. I wake up around 3-4am and I am restless until 5-6am. I just can't go back to sleep. I'm even thinking about drinking this drug I got from my aunt - she gave it to me to calm my nerves. I don't know how long I'll stand it.

Restless

Well, I'm feeling alive and healthy, but Boyfriend is off sick until next Monday. He went to the doctor again yesterday, he is taking antibiotic and has to rest all week. He has really serious cough and random fever increases, so we got scared a little, because there are new swine flu cases in the UK.

Nothing much happens really. I've sent some CVs and applications today, but there's nothing at the moment. All my hopes of the New Year and increase of the job offers are vanishing. It makes me more and more stressful so I can't fall asleep and when I do, I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm restless for a couple of hours tossing and turning. I need to study Spanish, but I'm lacking motivation - so not good considering my previous post about New Year resolutions and its Number 23... I am SO NOT impressed with myself.

2011 resolutions

I wasn't supposed to be writing this today - after shutting down the laptop few hours ago I decided to read and just spend a peaceful evening. But when I was laying in bed I thought of few more New Year resolutions I can add to my list. 

I was inspired by Amy Blackwell's idea for this year's resolutions and I made a list of 23 things to achieve/complete/do - while I'm 23. Hopefully, it will encourage me to change my life for a better one.

My list of 23 things:

1. Find a job
2. Study Spanish and pass certificate exam
3. Study French and prepare for certificate exam
4. Produce more drawings
5. Paint an oil painting
6. Read more poetry
7. Be more patient
8. Decide what I want to do in life
9. Decide on the tattoo's design
10. Write and send more letters
11. Keep up my friendships and don’t wait for friends to write to me – write myself first
12. Eat healthy
13. Exercise – I don’t have bike for just admiring it (even though it is cute)
14. Take care of myself – more positive thinking and chin up
15. Read more  in different languages
16. Make a new friend
17. Spend less evening-time on the computer – so I can go peacefully to sleep
18. Keep up blogging – maybe I’ll have 50 Followers or more!
19. Celebrate every anniversary and holiday – even if it is a walk in the park
20. Use my British Museum Pass
21. Learn how to tame my hair
22. Find a way to help others
23. Motivate myself when I'm lazy

Every home needs a Harvey

Oh, how I miss my dog Krecik - every time I watch this:

If for some reason you cannot watch the video type:  
Dogs Home TV Ad (every home needs a Harvey) 
into the YouTube search box.

I'm not saying that Krecik is perfect like that - far from it! - but it's just the idea of having a dog. All my life I've wanted one and now I'm away and would give almost anything - even my Jimmy Choos - to have one. 

Relaxing during break from filming

Reflections

We're both ill. I am slightly less, so I'm making all the teas, I cleaned and even done laundry and ironing. Boyfriend had really high fever in the morning, so he decided to stay at home and take a day off. He's feeling much better (so better he can actually play on his mobile on surf on the Internet), but he'll probably stay at home tomorrow. It is easy to figure out that I'm going to be sick for longer - the normal pattern is that I'm infecting him and vice versa. 

I started reading yesterday one of the books I got from Santa: "One Moment, One Morning" by Sarah Rayner. I wasn't expecting nothing like this. I know that you should never judge a book by its cover (with reference to people too) - I've made this mistake several times and got acquainted with the Tolkien's Hobbit much later as a result - but I was expecting a chick-lit. It is nothing like that. It's about death, loss, sorrow and friendship. 

It is hard for me to read - I start to recall my first encounter with death - when my first granddad died. I was still in primary school and couldn't really understand it. I didn't want to go to the actual funeral, but it was out of the question - my parents were so upset I didn't even  ask if I can stay. Right now I feel that it's good that I went, but that's probably only because I understand it better (if you can ever understand death). I still remember how I prayed to God for granddad to live and go swimming in the summer. Obviously it didn't happen and I just felt overwhelming feeling of betrayal when my dad called and told me that granddad is dead. I guess right then and there I just got angry and stopped believing in some things.

Cold?

So I'm getting ill. I have funny feeling in my throat and a little fever - nothing serious...yet. I so don't want to be ill right now. My state can be only blamed on the vanilla milkshake consumed two days ago. I remember two things: sitting in a car and saying that it's madness to have milkshake on the second of January and then coming up the stairs and saying that my throat feels weird. So there it is. My own fault (but it tasted really good). I'll do almost anything (except drinking Lemsip - I HATE it - and even word "hate" is an understatement) to feel better. 

I can't be having a cold - I need to send CV and apply for jobs. Today was the first time this year (it sounds so "uprising"... NOT) when I logged on all the dreaded websites. I was really expecting some more ads, but so far - as I see it - nothing which may turn into a job interview. I've sent some CVs, but as I say - I won't be expecting any calls. To be honest I was surprised, because I thought that there will be plenty of ads, but I try to convince myself that it's only fourth of January and in the UK it's the first day when people actually went to work (yesterday was a Bank Holiday). So I'll be checking and sending more CVs on Thursday and Friday - then the usual weekend break and back on Monday. Tomorrow I'll be talking to Mother and I just need to be strong and don't care what she says. It's so hard, but I need to do it for my own sanity.

Playing cards

I still remember when I was little how I played card games with my grandparents or all kids from the neighbourhood gathered at my place and we played in the summer until it was dark outside and all the parents were calling them to come home. I remember all the names of the games, but how to actually play them - not so much. At the moment I can only play Battle (duh!), Mau Mau (Makao) and Poker. But it is so much fun! I got cute little cards from Santa and I fully intend to use them!

Play me

.

Why is that the whole world is telling me and I still can't believe them. Why is that only her words validate me and my actions. Why is that she - who is supposed to love me unconditionally - hurts me the most and no matter what I do is still not satisfied. Why is that I always have to watch my tongue and I can never tell her everything. Why is that every time I first have to check in what mood is she. Why is that my Mother will never listen to me, truly listen - not only worlds, but listen with understanding. Why she doesn't have any respect for me - just because I don't have a fucking job.

NYE report

O M G. My feet hurt. They hurt like crazy. My feet are numb. I danced like crazy person. Honestly, like if there was not going to be tomorrow. I'm thankful to Santa that he brought me a Body Shop foot mask, which will be very helpful today.

NYE party was fun. The music was loud, the drinks were strong and the girls were great as always. The balance is: drink spilled on me: 5 (three by Dom-Dom), drinks spilled by me: 4 (it's not my fault that Monx pushed me through the crowd!). Drunken messages sent: ONLY one!

I just have one question: Why is that your boyfriend is always the worst dancer? OK, considering what I saw yesterday, maybe not the worst, but very near.

At least the tube was working all night and we came back around 5am. We slept, we ate some breakfast around 2pm. I am tired. On the outside I try to convince everyone that I'm happy, but on the inside I'm sick to my stomach - I'm scared that even in New Year I still won't find a job. I'm afraid of what will happen next.